Shopping for gifts for a spouse when you're angry with them

[Anonymous]

Things are tense and not good.

However, I'm trying to set that aside and still come up with a few gifts for Christmas. It's the right thing to do.

Thing is, I have been given no suggestions and my heart is not in it. And there are certain categories of things that I just won't attempt, especially clothing (given personal tastes/insecurities about sizing, etc). I realize things can be exchanged, but I really don't know that I can handle a look of disappointment and rejection in Christmas morning, especially in front of the kids.

I'm not trying to "fix" our problems with gifts, by the way. Just trying to find some things that are sincere and would be welcomed.

Any ideas?

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch, but we need more information to be able to answer....is it your husband? wife? what do they like? hobbies?

[Anonymous]

You want gift suggestions? We need more info: gender/age/hobbies/likes dislikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You want gift suggestions? We need more info: gender/age/hobbies/likes dislikes.

Female, early 50s, no real hobbies per se. Seems to dislike everything these days.

[Anonymous]

Buy chocolate, books, gift cards - all pretty impersonal. Do you have kids ask for their suggestions or have them make something. If you want something cool Bose make a small wireless speaker that is great. It's just over $100 and comes in 4 colors.

[Anonymous]

Candles, lotions, makeup, scarves, pjs, bracelets - just go to bloomies or Nordstrom and look around. Ask the sales,girls for help.

[Anonymous]

Gift certificate to the Mandarin Oriental spa. She can choose what she wants to do. I love that place.

[Anonymous]

Spa GC
Warm scarf
A new fiction book
A getaway for the two of you to try and work things out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spa GC
Warm scarf
A new fiction book
A getaway for the two of you to try and work things out?

Yes, on the first three. I wouldn't force it with #4 right now. OP, is your wife having a hard time with menopause?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spa GC
Warm scarf
A new fiction book
A getaway for the two of you to try and work things out?

Yes, on the first three. I wouldn't force it with #4 right now. OP, is your wife having a hard time with menopause?

No, that's not it. For reasons I really can't get into.

I've recently learned that she concealed some mental health issues from me before we got married and I think they're coming back. I've asked her to get help, particularly since she struck our teenager the other day. Didn't hurt the child -- at least physically. But, I've kind of drawn a line in the sand now about insisting she do something about her anger. She's always angry at everyone. We walk around on eggshells around the house. I've put up for it for far too long.

Sorry, it just really has me down. I know this is supposed to be a happier time of the year, but I'm sitting downstairs bearing the silent treatment this morning because I'm refusing to indulge what I've come to recognize as a pattern -- an angry outburst at my child, followed by me calling her out on it, followed by notification that she will sulk for 3 or 4 days until she's ready to talk about it. So, I'm kind of done.

Just the timing sucks.

[Anonymous]

Agree with getting away by yourselves. Have a plan if what you will do - visit historic places, go to a restaurant, plan a movie, walk i.e. bike ride. She may not feel she will be ambushed into constantly interacting with you. See if you can revive companionship

[Anonymous]

Since the issues involve the family, what about something like movie tix for everyone?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spa GC
Warm scarf
A new fiction book
A getaway for the two of you to try and work things out?

Yes, on the first three. I wouldn't force it with #4 right now. OP, is your wife having a hard time with menopause?

No, that's not it. For reasons I really can't get into.

I've recently learned that she concealed some mental health issues from me before we got married and I think they're coming back. I've asked her to get help, particularly since she struck our teenager the other day. Didn't hurt the child -- at least physically. But, I've kind of drawn a line in the sand now about insisting she do something about her anger. She's always angry at everyone. We walk around on eggshells around the house. I've put up for it for far too long.

Sorry, it just really has me down. I know this is supposed to be a happier time of the year, but I'm sitting downstairs bearing the silent treatment this morning because I'm refusing to indulge what I've come to recognize as a pattern -- an angry outburst at my child, followed by me calling her out on it, followed by notification that she will sulk for 3 or 4 days until she's ready to talk about it. So, I'm kind of done.

Just the timing sucks.

Sorry OP. Sounds like she needs to get some time with a mental healthcare provider. Just make it through the next couple of days and then have the sit-down: "Here's the pattern-you have an angry outburst, get called out and then sulk. Rinse and repeat. This is not okay. I love you and hate to see you in pain like this. And I'm not going to have you continue to do this to our family. I need you to make an appointment with a therapist by the end of the week. If you need help in finding names, I can do that. If you want me to go with you, I will. But not doing anything isn't an option."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spa GC
Warm scarf
A new fiction book
A getaway for the two of you to try and work things out?

Yes, on the first three. I wouldn't force it with #4 right now. OP, is your wife having a hard time with menopause?

No, that's not it. For reasons I really can't get into.

I've recently learned that she concealed some mental health issues from me before we got married and I think they're coming back. I've asked her to get help, particularly since she struck our teenager the other day. Didn't hurt the child -- at least physically. But, I've kind of drawn a line in the sand now about insisting she do something about her anger. She's always angry at everyone. We walk around on eggshells around the house. I've put up for it for far too long.

Sorry, it just really has me down. I know this is supposed to be a happier time of the year, but I'm sitting downstairs bearing the silent treatment this morning because I'm refusing to indulge what I've come to recognize as a pattern -- an angry outburst at my child, followed by me calling her out on it, followed by notification that she will sulk for 3 or 4 days until she's ready to talk about it. So, I'm kind of done.

Just the timing sucks.

Sorry OP. Sounds like she needs to get some time with a mental healthcare provider. Just make it through the next couple of days and then have the sit-down: "Here's the pattern-you have an angry outburst, get called out and then sulk. Rinse and repeat. This is not okay. I love you and hate to see you in pain like this. And I'm not going to have you continue to do this to our family. I need you to make an appointment with a therapist by the end of the week. If you need help in finding names, I can do that. If you want me to go with you, I will. But not doing anything isn't an option."

Thanks. I've actually tried that and end up getting attacked. But I guess it's worth another try. She's very good at gaslighting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spa GC
Warm scarf
A new fiction book
A getaway for the two of you to try and work things out?

Yes, on the first three. I wouldn't force it with #4 right now. OP, is your wife having a hard time with menopause?

No, that's not it. For reasons I really can't get into.

I've recently learned that she concealed some mental health issues from me before we got married and I think they're coming back. I've asked her to get help, particularly since she struck our teenager the other day. Didn't hurt the child -- at least physically. But, I've kind of drawn a line in the sand now about insisting she do something about her anger. She's always angry at everyone. We walk around on eggshells around the house. I've put up for it for far too long.

Sorry, it just really has me down. I know this is supposed to be a happier time of the year, but I'm sitting downstairs bearing the silent treatment this morning because I'm refusing to indulge what I've come to recognize as a pattern -- an angry outburst at my child, followed by me calling her out on it, followed by notification that she will sulk for 3 or 4 days until she's ready to talk about it. So, I'm kind of done.

Just the timing sucks.

Sorry OP. Sounds like she needs to get some time with a mental healthcare provider. Just make it through the next couple of days and then have the sit-down: "Here's the pattern-you have an angry outburst, get called out and then sulk. Rinse and repeat. This is not okay. I love you and hate to see you in pain like this. And I'm not going to have you continue to do this to our family. I need you to make an appointment with a therapist by the end of the week. If you need help in finding names, I can do that. If you want me to go with you, I will. But not doing anything isn't an option."

Thanks. I've actually tried that and end up getting attacked. But I guess it's worth another try. She's very good at gaslighting.

Then I'm amending my post: I would suggest YOU make the appointment for therapy. Invite her to come. YOU go and figure out how you're either going to continue in this marriage or how you're going to end it. Your children do not need to live with someone who is unstable and unwilling to get help. Again, make the appointment for yourself and invite her to come.