Horrible sister having a hard time
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Anonymous
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I have two sisters. My middle sister (let's call her Melissa) and I get along great. We talk every day. Little sister (Let's call her Lili) is in a perpetual fight with pretty much everyone except my parents and her husband. My parents are both narcissists (according to my therapist) and Lili is their golden child. Melissa and I alternate between black sheep and between black sheep and golden child. Both of us have (with the help of our therapists) distanced ourselves to occasional phone calls and rare visits. Lili lives in the same town as my parents and visits every single day. She considers them to be their best friend. She is unbelievably cruel every time I've spoken to her, saying horrible things about my special needs child, accusing my husband of "destroying their wedding" because he lost a cuff link (and other reasons she claims but never articulates), and being generally horrible. Her trick is to pretend to be nice on the phone or in person saying "sarcastic" things such as "your son is never going to bring home a pregnant girlfriend at least!" Later she will tell our parents that we were horrible to her. My husband stood up to her one time, ten years ago, and she never forgets it. He told her to not speak to me in that manner and tossed my dress on the bed. She twisted that around and told my parents that he threw it in her face, hit her with it, pushed her to the ground and screamed at her. The only issue is that Melissa and I were both in the room and none of that happened. My parents naturally believe Lili. She has repeated this exact thing pretty much with Melissa and claims that Melissa's husband hacked into her phone and threw them out of his house (also false).
Lili's husband just came out as gay. My parents are pushing my sister to live together anyway, and her husband seems like that's the route he wants to take as well. He will just have his relationships and my sister will pretend like everything is fine. She hasn't told me anything, but she did tell Melissa who told her to get divorced. My parents don't want her to divorce because her gay husband is very, very wealthy and my parents love mooching off his family. His family is staying neutral. Part of my wants to call her and tell her to leave this man and try to find her own happiness. But I suspect she won't listen to me anyway. Furthermore I can't forget how she tormented my son and husband and me over the years. She spent so much time turning my parents and anyone who would listen away from us. Of course my parents are horrible on their own merits, but she absolutely enabled their behavior too. My dad just called and told me it's time to "bury the hatchet". He caught me at s bad time and I said that I had no desire to talk to someone who has repeatedly told lies about my family. I told him that it was unsurprising that she is telling a similar story about Melissa's husband. At the same time I'm worried about her. Thoughts? |
Anonymous
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You bring this all on yourself by staying in their business. I would have said goodbye the first time she insulted my child. You will never come out unscathed and it will always beat you down and eat you up inside. Your parents have made the choice to side with her in spite of proof she lies. You cannot win.
MYOB and make a pact with Melissa that you both will not speak of it. |
Anonymous
| You're a fool if you willingly get engaged with these people again. It will only result in more drama. Ignore them and focus on your friends and family who treat you well and you enjoy spending time with. Don't get involved again with these losers. |
Anonymous
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Time to walk away from the mess. If you have to see or talk to your sister for the holidays, just tell her you are sorry about the issues with her husband and go on your way. No advice. It will not end well for you, as you have seen, if you engage any more than the absolute minimum.
As the other pp said, make a pack with Melissa to MYOB and go about your lives. |
Anonymous
This. |
Anonymous
| MYOB |
Anonymous
| Not your circus, not your monkeys. |
Anonymous
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Rare DCUM consensus. Definitely staying out of it.
Thanks! OP |
Anonymous
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Do not have relationship with sister Lilli. Keep relationship with parents as best you can, but do not let them tell you you need to "bury the hatchet". Keep in close touch with sister you get along with. Not dealing with bad sister will help you more than you know.
If you are visiting with parents and they say you must so whatever for your sister. Tell them this is not up for discussion, leave room. Keep doing this. It may get to that you need to stay in a hotel if parents continue to harass you. And then after you make that step, if it does not stop, do not visit parents. Sorry. I have a mean horrible mentally ill sister and parents who used to guilt me into trying to be friends with sister or do stuff for her. Do not let parents guilt you into anything. I'm surprised your therapist has not told you to disengage. |
Anonymous
I stopped seeing a therapist a few years back. She told me sister is toxic and stay away. I really do feel guilty but she is seriously tormented. I haven't said a word since I found out (via Melissa) about her cruel impression of my son at Melissa's baby shower. Thank you DCUM- I was feeling guilty for telling my dad off when he told me to bury the hatchet yesterday. |
Anonymous
| Send her a free subscription of an explicit lesbian magazine and see the fireworks that follows |
Anonymous
Better yet, send and explicit gay magazine to her husband! |
Anonymous
Amusing but it is a pretty heartbreaking situation. My sister feels like this is the love of her life, but her husband is into dudes. I really think part of the reason that my sister is so cruel to Melissa and I is because she is jealous that we have kids and presumably a normal heterosexual relationship. My sister weighs less than 100 pounds and is constantly dieting or spending money on beauty treatments. She's gorgeous (so is her husband), but i haven't seen her smile since high school. She's an awful person, but I can't help but feel for her. However I no longer feel guilty about continuing not to contact her. Op |
Anonymous
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OP, get yourself a therapist to help you do this. If you want to offer any help to bad sister, give her the name of (another) therapist so she can work through this. Do not pester her, do not check to see if she got a therapist. Just give her the information and let go.
That is the help you offer, you need to help yourself let go and you need a therapist to help you get there. |
Anonymous
OP, get yourself a better therapist. Any decent therapist wouldn't be diagnosing your parents as "narcissists." It's obvious that your youngest sister is in a co-dependent relationship with them. Youngest daughters were often groomed to live at home and care for the parents in many different cultures. She's not the "golden child," she's their gal Friday. |