Horrible sister having a hard time

[Anonymous]

wow. all this precision makes me wonder how anonymous this board is sometimes.

when a person feels the need to present this much detail and venom, I say "time for therapy"

I'm sorry your sister is difficult and has such a big problem. She needs a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

Been there, done that, although not with a sister.

First.
Your sister *behaves* awfully, but is not awful. She's sick. She has a mental disorder. Seeing her as a person who is ill will help you find some measure of peace with what she has done in the past (same consideration for your parents).
My mother said incredibly hurtful things to me over the years, and about my husband and children, and I nearly cut her off, but my husband persuaded me not to. Today, many years later, we are on good terms. I have understood many things about her, not the least of which is that she is mentally unstable and that extreme anxiety will set her off and make her say and do irrational and cruel things. This does not mean that she does not love us.

Second.
Don't engage just now. If ever there is a reconciliation, it will take years, so what you're going to do is to lay the groundwork and be patient. If someone in the family contacts you about this, relay the message that you are devastated this is happening, that you feel for your sister, and that you encourage her to take time to think how best to navigate the situation, perhaps by taking a relaxing vacation without her husband, if she can.
Sex or emotional exclusivity are not everything in life, OP. Having a comfortable home and a partner who is there in time of need, as he may continue to be, since they don't appear to hate each other, is not to be sneezed at. My aunt chose to stay with her gay husband. He fell into a diabetic coma one afternoon and she was instrumental in saving his life and bringing him to the hospital. He may very well do the same to her one day.

[Anonymous]

Is this a novel plot?

[Anonymous]

dysfunction junction

There is no way in hell I'd stay married to a gay man. His whole life has been a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:wow. all this precision makes me wonder how anonymous this board is sometimes.

when a person feels the need to present this much detail and venom, I say "time for therapy"

I'm sorry your sister is difficult and has such a big problem. She needs a lawyer.

What? What detail are you talking about? You sound like you need therapy honey.

[Anonymous]

Whether she leaves him or not is none of your business. Don't get intp that issue.

It seems that there is more to this story. What happened at her wedding with your husband's cuff links?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You bring this all on yourself by staying in their business. I would have said goodbye the first time she insulted my child. You will never come out unscathed and it will always beat you down and eat you up inside. Your parents have made the choice to side with her in spite of proof she lies. You cannot win.

MYOB and make a pact with Melissa that you both will not speak of it.

Yes to this. Stop engaging in the reindeer games.

[Anonymous]

diabetic coma one afternoon and she was instrumental in saving his life and bringing him to the hospital. He may very well do the same to her one day

If you think this guy is going to stick around when your aunt develops a health problem I have a bridge in NJ to sell you. It's a nice fantasy to suggest they're just supportive partners to each other who defy convention but the reality is that a same-sex oriented person who enters into an opposite sex union has big issues at best, is just a taker at worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

diabetic coma one afternoon and she was instrumental in saving his life and bringing him to the hospital. He may very well do the same to her one day

If you think this guy is going to stick around when your aunt develops a health problem I have a bridge in NJ to sell you. It's a nice fantasy to suggest they're just supportive partners to each other who defy convention but the reality is that a same-sex oriented person who enters into an opposite sex union has big issues at best, is just a taker at worst.

Except I know him and you don't. He's a decent man. They're approaching 70, and have lived together most of their lives. Don't speak of things you don't know, PP.

[Anonymous]

I hope for your aunt's sake I'm wrong.

[Anonymous]

I'm unclear about why you still speak to her. I get it if you need to be in contact during family gatherings or holidays or whatever, but why in the world would you ever pick up the phone just to chat or say hello or offer her advice about her marriage? She's a horrible person, leave her alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm unclear about why you still speak to her. I get it if you need to be in contact during family gatherings or holidays or whatever, but why in the world would you ever pick up the phone just to chat or say hello or offer her advice about her marriage? She's a horrible person, leave her alone.

This.

[Anonymous]

You had me at "Lili's husband is gay". For life-there is nothing she could continue to do to piss me off that wouldn't make me simultaneously LOL at her and also feel bad for her. I wouldn't give my opinion, I would just continue to stay away. Let them all continue their dysfunction junction together.

[Anonymous]

My thoughts are you are way too engaged in this situation. None of this is your concern. I don't even think you should have told off your father. your response could have been, I love my sister and always will, Dad.

There is nothing you can do here. It's your sister's business and decision. Given your history, if she asks you for an opinion, you could say "this sounds awfully complicated and I think you'd benefit from talking to a professional" and then offer a therapist or two. You could also let go of everything in the past and just be a listener. But as it stands right now you are far too entangled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My thoughts are you are way too engaged in this situation. None of this is your concern. I don't even think you should have told off your father. your response could have been, I love my sister and always will, Dad.

There is nothing you can do here. It's your sister's business and decision. Given your history, if she asks you for an opinion, you could say "this sounds awfully complicated and I think you'd benefit from talking to a professional" and then offer a therapist or two. You could also let go of everything in the past and just be a listener. But as it stands right now you are far too entangled.

I haven't spoken to her in years for a variety of reasons, mostly her cruelty towards my special needs son. Agree that she could use a listener, but I don't think she'd want me to know she's struggling. I gave this more thought and continue to think its best I stay away from her and the situation. Probably I should not have gone off on my dad, but the reality is that I am frustrated with how he gives her awful behavior a pass.

-op