Are you offended when someone says they “didnt want someone else to raise my kids”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. More than working status, I do think the education standards of the mother matter greatly. DH and I both attended top colleges and our kids expect and also want to attend a top school. I see a huge difference in kids whose parents went to an ivy or other top school and guiding their kids. An uneducated or SAHM who was never professionally successful is different than your Harvard law educated SAHM married to a big law partner.

People keep trying to claim most SAHMs fit this profile, but they do not. Successful and ambitious women want to keep being successful and ambitious. Sure, they may take a break for 4-5 years while the kids are little, if they don’t have a spouse or grandparents to share the childcare load, but it’s a sacrifice and they go back as soon as the youngest hits K. They don’t want to live that lifestyle forever.

The long-term SAHMs I know (in McLean, Arlington, Vienna, and two private schools) were average in terms of education and career but lucky enough to marry rich. Or they do fit the profile above but are dealing with medical or SN issues in themselves or their children.

Pp here. I’m Harvard educated and a SAHM. I know many former lawyers married who stay home. Most people I hang out with are former lawyers. I also know several doctors who are credentialed and work a few shifts a year but basically a SAHM. Maybe it is because I’m a well educated SAHM that I hang out with other well educated SAHMs or very part time working moms. We all have a high earning spouses. I would estimate the husbands all earn seven figures.

“Harvard educated”. Is that supposed to be impressive?

Also how does a doctor work a few “shifts” a year? What specialty? Any doctor that only works a handful of hours a year isn’t a doctor I want to encounter. But let me guess, also Harvard educated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. More than working status, I do think the education standards of the mother matter greatly. DH and I both attended top colleges and our kids expect and also want to attend a top school. I see a huge difference in kids whose parents went to an ivy or other top school and guiding their kids. An uneducated or SAHM who was never professionally successful is different than your Harvard law educated SAHM married to a big law partner.

People keep trying to claim most SAHMs fit this profile, but they do not. Successful and ambitious women want to keep being successful and ambitious. Sure, they may take a break for 4-5 years while the kids are little, if they don’t have a spouse or grandparents to share the childcare load, but it’s a sacrifice and they go back as soon as the youngest hits K. They don’t want to live that lifestyle forever.

The long-term SAHMs I know (in McLean, Arlington, Vienna, and two private schools) were average in terms of education and career but lucky enough to marry rich. Or they do fit the profile above but are dealing with medical or SN issues in themselves or their children.

Pp here. I’m Harvard educated and a SAHM. I know many former lawyers married who stay home. Most people I hang out with are former lawyers. I also know several doctors who are credentialed and work a few shifts a year but basically a SAHM. Maybe it is because I’m a well educated SAHM that I hang out with other well educated SAHMs or very part time working moms. We all have a high earning spouses. I would estimate the husbands all earn seven figures.

Interesting that you are well educated but not highly educated. 😀

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work and honestly don’t care. When your kids are all school age like mine, nobody talks about this any more. At that point, if you stay home you want to not work, you aren’t “raising” anything more than anyone else.

This doesn’t apply if you are a homeschooler, in which case we likely won’t get along for different reasons.

I work in an elementary school and I definitely see a lot of people who are just checked out from raising their kids. It's pretty frustrating. Just because your kid is in school does not mean you don't have to teach them and interact with them at home. I cannot tell you how many kids come to school in shoes they cannot tie, lunches they cannot open and the lists goes on. We have had parents who will walk the school from calling because they don't want to be contacted about their child's absences or behavior issues. It's frustrating

This is either a random off-topic observation, or (I prefer) a testimony to how much raising of kids happens outside of prime daytime hours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work and honestly don’t care. When your kids are all school age like mine, nobody talks about this any more. At that point, if you stay home you want to not work, you aren’t “raising” anything more than anyone else.

This doesn’t apply if you are a homeschooler, in which case we likely won’t get along for different reasons.

As a working mom confused at how obsessed these SAHMs are with the topic of this thread, thank you for articulating what I was planning to reply. Goes to show that having a job teaches you how to think, and write clearly.

Also, to the women who are proud of having fancy degrees only to stay at home, how sad that you likely took the place of an ambitious young woman who wanted a real career—and not just a chance to interact with Ivy League men to marry one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. More than working status, I do think the education standards of the mother matter greatly. DH and I both attended top colleges and our kids expect and also want to attend a top school. I see a huge difference in kids whose parents went to an ivy or other top school and guiding their kids. An uneducated or SAHM who was never professionally successful is different than your Harvard law educated SAHM married to a big law partner.

Oh my, wait until you find out that Princeton had a 25% acceptance rate back when you applied, but has a 7% now. How will you “guide” them to your version of success now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think of it this way. If you had a 2-year-old and got divorced and got 50% custody, the child would only physically be in your presence half the time. In a different scenario, if you used to stay at home with your 2-year-old but switch to working 8 hours a day, you now also only have your child physically in your presence half the time. This is math.

If the verb “raise” is what is offending people, maybe moms should just say “I want to be around my child most of the day instead of have someone else around my child most of the day.”

SAHMs use the word raise because they are defensive of their life choices.

No one tells a man that they’re not raising their children when a man works full time paid employment to provide for their family.

All mothers are defensive of their life choices because people incessantly attack our life choices. And because as you point out men are not presented with the same choices and thus get to live "default" lives that don't get incessantly judged and picked apart by others. Though men who choose to be SAHDs absolutely do get treated this way. But women get this treatment whether they stay home or work whereas working dads never have anyone question their choices.

That's why even though I'm a working mom I am empathetic to SAHMs who feel like they need to justify their choices. And I can also see how the strong reaction so many working moms are having to this little phrasing in this thread is actually their own defensiveness at work.

So you're a working mom who empathizes with SAHMs while dogging on working moms. Make it make sense. They aren't going to f you, gal.

[Anonymous]

It's just a bonkers inflammatory way to phrase your own choices. I honestly don't care and have been both, but you don't start out with this phrasing unless you're looking to pick a fight.

[Anonymous]

https://apple.news/AxCPrBn7DT5uYHTvOHKPldw

Oh look, a female F500 CEO who is confident enough to say she spends 30% of her time with her children. She’s saying this works best for her. What she’s not doing is pretending that she is 100% available to her children. She is not claiming that because her children are in school it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t see them in the morning and at night. She’s saying that she’s very intentional when spending time with her kids and that works for her. She’s not saying her neighbor who is a SAHM parents less than she does because of x or y or that it doesn’t matter at all, but that she is comfortable with the trade off.

Maybe if more women could accept the reality that work life balance is a lie in the US, women would stop vilifying women who make different choices around parenting and find some respect for each other and the people who provide childcare/work in early childhood education. Instead of anonymously saying SAHMs are too stupid to make grocery lists, which is 100% internalized misogyny, we should be telling our reps that the US should invest more in these areas and that we also need standard parental leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://apple.news/AxCPrBn7DT5uYHTvOHKPldw

Oh look, a female F500 CEO who is confident enough to say she spends 30% of her time with her children. She’s saying this works best for her. What she’s not doing is pretending that she is 100% available to her children. She is not claiming that because her children are in school it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t see them in the morning and at night. She’s saying that she’s very intentional when spending time with her kids and that works for her. She’s not saying her neighbor who is a SAHM parents less than she does because of x or y or that it doesn’t matter at all, but that she is comfortable with the trade off.

Maybe if more women could accept the reality that work life balance is a lie in the US, women would stop vilifying women who make different choices around parenting and find some respect for each other and the people who provide childcare/work in early childhood education. Instead of anonymously saying SAHMs are too stupid to make grocery lists, which is 100% internalized misogyny, we should be telling our reps that the US should invest more in these areas and that we also need standard parental leave.

You really are comparing a CEO’s schedule to your average worker bee?

Glad I can anonymously say you’re pretty dumb!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work and honestly don’t care. When your kids are all school age like mine, nobody talks about this any more. At that point, if you stay home you want to not work, you aren’t “raising” anything more than anyone else.

This doesn’t apply if you are a homeschooler, in which case we likely won’t get along for different reasons.

I work in an elementary school and I definitely see a lot of people who are just checked out from raising their kids. It's pretty frustrating. Just because your kid is in school does not mean you don't have to teach them and interact with them at home. I cannot tell you how many kids come to school in shoes they cannot tie, lunches they cannot open and the lists goes on. We have had parents who will walk the school from calling because they don't want to be contacted about their child's absences or behavior issues. It's frustrating

This is either a random off-topic observation, or (I prefer) a testimony to how much raising of kids happens outside of prime daytime hours.

This is not positive though. Children’s home lives matter a great deal, not just the absence of chaos and trauma, a strong connection with caregivers, manners, teaching non-academic age appropriate milestones (zipping coats, tying shoes, riding a bike, keeping a space neat, writing a thank you note, and so on), but practicality and resourcefulness as well as self-reliance. Schools will not raise your children for you. Not even expensive schools. A lot of academics need to be reinforced at home, but more than that, socialization and all the other things mentioned above need to be taught at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:https://apple.news/AxCPrBn7DT5uYHTvOHKPldw

Oh look, a female F500 CEO who is confident enough to say she spends 30% of her time with her children. She’s saying this works best for her. What she’s not doing is pretending that she is 100% available to her children. She is not claiming that because her children are in school it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t see them in the morning and at night. She’s saying that she’s very intentional when spending time with her kids and that works for her. She’s not saying her neighbor who is a SAHM parents less than she does because of x or y or that it doesn’t matter at all, but that she is comfortable with the trade off.

Maybe if more women could accept the reality that work life balance is a lie in the US, women would stop vilifying women who make different choices around parenting and find some respect for each other and the people who provide childcare/work in early childhood education. Instead of anonymously saying SAHMs are too stupid to make grocery lists, which is 100% internalized misogyny, we should be telling our reps that the US should invest more in these areas and that we also need standard parental leave.

You really are comparing a CEO’s schedule to your average worker bee?

Glad I can anonymously say you’re pretty dumb!

Well you’ve missed the entire point of what I wrote, so looks like you should work on reading comprehension. But also, why do you feel so threatened that you have to name call? Most of us are moms and we tell our kids not to call people things, like dumb, but you are so undisciplined you can’t even do that yourself.

[Anonymous]

I wonder if I "had" to work or "chose" to work. We could have made it on DH's income but he does not want me to stay home because he wants an UMC lifestyle instead of a MC one, which I would have been fine with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think of it this way. If you had a 2-year-old and got divorced and got 50% custody, the child would only physically be in your presence half the time. In a different scenario, if you used to stay at home with your 2-year-old but switch to working 8 hours a day, you now also only have your child physically in your presence half the time. This is math.

If the verb “raise” is what is offending people, maybe moms should just say “I want to be around my child most of the day instead of have someone else around my child most of the day.”

SAHMs use the word raise because they are defensive of their life choices.

No one tells a man that they’re not raising their children when a man works full time paid employment to provide for their family.

There’s a reason for that. it’s the same reason that by an amazing coincidence it just happens to work out best logistically for the family for the woman to stay at home, 90% of the time.

The reason rhymes with “matriarchy”.

Capitalism is the pinnacle of the patriarchy, ma’am. Stop kidding yourself that forcing women to act like men (because men are the default, right?) is feminism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work and honestly don’t care. When your kids are all school age like mine, nobody talks about this any more. At that point, if you stay home you want to not work, you aren’t “raising” anything more than anyone else.

This doesn’t apply if you are a homeschooler, in which case we likely won’t get along for different reasons.

I work in an elementary school and I definitely see a lot of people who are just checked out from raising their kids. It's pretty frustrating. Just because your kid is in school does not mean you don't have to teach them and interact with them at home. I cannot tell you how many kids come to school in shoes they cannot tie, lunches they cannot open and the lists goes on. We have had parents who will walk the school from calling because they don't want to be contacted about their child's absences or behavior issues. It's frustrating

This is either a random off-topic observation, or (I prefer) a testimony to how much raising of kids happens outside of prime daytime hours.

This is not positive though. Children’s home lives matter a great deal, not just the absence of chaos and trauma, a strong connection with caregivers, manners, teaching non-academic age appropriate milestones (zipping coats, tying shoes, riding a bike, keeping a space neat, writing a thank you note, and so on), but practicality and resourcefulness as well as self-reliance. Schools will not raise your children for you. Not even expensive schools. A lot of academics need to be reinforced at home, but more than that, socialization and all the other things mentioned above need to be taught at home.

None of which has anything to do with whether or not women work outside the home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp again. More than working status, I do think the education standards of the mother matter greatly. DH and I both attended top colleges and our kids expect and also want to attend a top school. I see a huge difference in kids whose parents went to an ivy or other top school and guiding their kids. An uneducated or SAHM who was never professionally successful is different than your Harvard law educated SAHM married to a big law partner.

People keep trying to claim most SAHMs fit this profile, but they do not. Successful and ambitious women want to keep being successful and ambitious. Sure, they may take a break for 4-5 years while the kids are little, if they don’t have a spouse or grandparents to share the childcare load, but it’s a sacrifice and they go back as soon as the youngest hits K. They don’t want to live that lifestyle forever.

The long-term SAHMs I know (in McLean, Arlington, Vienna, and two private schools) were average in terms of education and career but lucky enough to marry rich. Or they do fit the profile above but are dealing with medical or SN issues in themselves or their children.

Pp here. I’m Harvard educated and a SAHM. I know many former lawyers married who stay home. Most people I hang out with are former lawyers. I also know several doctors who are credentialed and work a few shifts a year but basically a SAHM. Maybe it is because I’m a well educated SAHM that I hang out with other well educated SAHMs or very part time working moms. We all have a high earning spouses. I would estimate the husbands all earn seven figures.

“Harvard educated”. Is that supposed to be impressive?

Also how does a doctor work a few “shifts” a year? What specialty? Any doctor that only works a handful of hours a year isn’t a doctor I want to encounter. But let me guess, also Harvard educated?

You can work shifts for ER and anesthesia. You can also work locum tenens.

I also know lawyers who work pro bono or PT doing immigration or family law for little or a loss of money. They are basically SAHMs because this work is essentially volunteer work.