Do you check your teenagers’ texts / chats / social media accounts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

This was going to be my response exactly. I have no doubt my mom did all these things to me when I was a teen. It is an invasion of privacy and destroys trust.

If you demonstrate to your kid that you trust them, they will act in a trustworthy manner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

This was going to be my response exactly. I have no doubt my mom did all these things to me when I was a teen. It is an invasion of privacy and destroys trust.

If you demonstrate to your kid that you trust them, they will act in a trustworthy manner.

That sounds good but it isn’t always reality.

[Anonymous]

I'm a PP who does monitor texts - it's not just about how trustworthy your child is, it's also about the people who interact with them. People (adults and adolescents) loose their filters when online and part of my role as a parent is helping my kids navigate the cruel/bullying behaviors that occur. These are not anything new, but growing up in the pre-social media era meant you got away from those comments (from school mates) when you left school, not anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Spouse and I disagree about whether checking teen’s phone is reasonable parenting, so I would love to hear from others on this issue….

In middle school, yes.

In high school, no. Although I do follow him on some things like instagram and youtube. And when I do see comments they are almost always fine. They weren't in the past, and we've discussed them. It's a learning curve. At least for some kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

This was going to be my response exactly. I have no doubt my mom did all these things to me when I was a teen. It is an invasion of privacy and destroys trust.

If you demonstrate to your kid that you trust them, they will act in a trustworthy manner.

Oh no, the horror... Still resentful about it, huh?

[Anonymous]

Laughing at parents who think their kids are only on twitter. These kids have "finstagram" accounts, and hide them all from you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

This was going to be my response exactly. I have no doubt my mom did all these things to me when I was a teen. It is an invasion of privacy and destroys trust.

If you demonstrate to your kid that you trust them, they will act in a trustworthy manner.

Oh no, the horror... Still resentful about it, huh?


Are you kidding? I would still be resentful if my mom had done that and never apologized. And I do check DD’s texts. Reading your kid’s journal is so not okay. A journal is your place to work out your feelings and if taking away that space is an awful thing to do.

[Anonymous]

DD is 12 and I check. One thing she has done is change the names of all her friends to nicknames, so she feels like at least when I meet her friend I won’t know what conversation was had between them.

But when she’s older, probably high school, I won’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

This was going to be my response exactly. I have no doubt my mom did all these things to me when I was a teen. It is an invasion of privacy and destroys trust.

If you demonstrate to your kid that you trust them, they will act in a trustworthy manner.

That sounds good but it isn’t always reality.

+1
Teens can be quite good at presenting one front while living another. Just as we all were at that age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

That’s BS. It’s SO different today. My kids interact online with people that I have never met, in some cases my kids themselves have only met them briefly or a long time ago and they now have an online “friendship.” Also phone calls were usually just conversations. Now the kids are exchanging photos and videos and all the other garbage that’s available on the internet.

+100
The pace of everything is so different now than it was back then. Years ago you had to catch your friends on the phone or hang out with them but now everything is instantaneous and things develp so much faster. This absolutely leads to a different dynamic and now there is more chances for problems to arise quickly.

I think a parent is being foolish to think that the same "rules" apply now that applied when we were kids. The world back then does not compare at all to what is our kids' reality today.

Agree with this.

Social media makes things so much different now than when we were kids. I don’t listen in on my kids’ phone conversations, but do check the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

This was going to be my response exactly. I have no doubt my mom did all these things to me when I was a teen. It is an invasion of privacy and destroys trust.

If you demonstrate to your kid that you trust them, they will act in a trustworthy manner.

That sounds good but it isn’t always reality.

+1
Teens can be quite good at presenting one front while living another. Just as we all were at that age.

I didn't do that when I was a teen. My dad gave me privacy, my mom pried. So I talked to my dad about big issues. But I didn't hide who I was and I certainly didn't live another life.

I sometimes think parent/teen relationships on this site are so messed up.

[Anonymous]

100% yes. Mine are 13 and 15. They know this. I check it in front of them alot. For kids I know, I don't go into those conversations. I'm looking for kids they don't know, inappropriate group chats (ie. porn videos sent to my son from other kids, etc). I also check for secret apps. They have Instagram. They are not allowed Snapchat. Ever. I am 100% transparent about this. I tell them they do not have privacy. They did not pay for their phones. They do not pay the bills. They are too young. Privacy is a privilege, not a right, when it comes to the internet and social media. They know I can't wait until they have privacy, and they know that I support that fully. For our house, it will be when they go to college. They don't like this, but honestly they don't hate it either. And my son has used it (with my permission) to get out of some really dice group text chats (many of which were even on the FCPS system). He says "Dude, don't send me that stuff, you know my Mom checks my phone....." It has given him a filter, and a way out, without being a social pariah. There is NO comparison to when we were growing up and having a parent listen in on your phone call. We live in a different world, with different risks. And right now, they are on my watch......

[Anonymous]

Yes. We monitor and DS, who is 13, knows it. We have been transparent and set that expectation before even providing him the phone. We have ongoing conversations about appropriate use of the phone and communications with others.

Agree with other posters that the analogy to invasion of privacy/when we were teens is not an accurate. The other posters already stated why, and I will just emphasize that the idea of privacy with what they are communicating is ludicrous. That’s one of the big issues! Anyone can screen shot their texts/content and pass it around. Once you put the content out there, it is potentially out there for anyone - he has no control over it. I am baffled that some of the posters think about this from a privacy standpoint. You don’t want to infringe on their privacy, yet there are no safeguards keeping the content private.

[Anonymous]

My DS age 12 just started texting and my approach is to check once in a while to see how it is going and make sure he's acting somewhat ok before we get him his first phone. Of course, I just saw that in a group chat he said "what's up fukers" - - ugh not only is he cursing but he spelled it wrong.

[Anonymous]

We gave our kids phones with the understanding that we could/would check them occasionally to monitor. They barely seem to text, and they don't have apps like snapchat with disappearing messages installed (unless there are ways to hide what apps are installed?).