Do you check your teenagers’ texts / chats / social media accounts?

[Anonymous]

I did at first (6th and 7th), but didn’t see anything concerning. During pandemic closures last year, I backed off because it was really the only way she was talking to her friends. Her group don’t really do FaceTime or anything, and I’m not sure most kids her age even know how to work the phone part of their phones!

I figured without regular in-person conversations, kids need somewhere private to vent.

[Anonymous]

Almost 16 year old, yes, I spot check. She has some mental health issues that could be dangerous if they get worse, so I check in sometimes to see where her head is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What age are we talking about?
New to texting and 13- yes.
16- no, unless you have reason to really worry.

Agree with this. The maturity of a 13 year old, a 15 year old, and an 18 year old varies widely.

Agree with this. But, as a follow-on question, what would be the big deal if a parent saw some of the activity if a kid isn't hiding anything?

[Anonymous]

I don't (my twins are 15). I don't want to know the ins and outs of their friendships. It doesn't feel appropriate to me and makes me anxious. I have a touch of social anxiety myself and
knowing that so-and-so said this or didn't say that to my kids would just worry me. I learned a long time ago to just let them handle their own lives. I once got slightly involved in a dispute
with my daughter and a friend when they were both 10 or 11. It didn't end well. In about 4 hours they had both moved on and meanwhile I was left feeling very awkward.
So no, I don't read their texts.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What age are we talking about?
New to texting and 13- yes.
16- no, unless you have reason to really worry.

Agree with this. The maturity of a 13 year old, a 15 year old, and an 18 year old varies widely.

Agree with this. But, as a follow-on question, what would be the big deal if a parent saw some of the activity if a kid isn't hiding anything?

Honestly, I feel like my daughter needs to feel free to complain about me and her dad and whatever else. When you’re a teenager, you need an outlet to vent to your friends without your parents eavesdropping.

We used to complain and gossip and plan on the phone, of course, but nowadays kids text. The only difference is that the texts are more permanent, but I’m positive she’s aware of that because we’ve had plenty of conversations and I checked her texts when she was younger.

[Anonymous]

When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

Agree 100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

Agree 100%

Our phones were in public place in the house (parents room, living room, kitchen), so there wasn’t really privacy the way you’re making it sound. Kids have a reasonable amount of privacy but know that their phones may be monitored.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

1000%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

Agree 100%

Our phones were in public place in the house (parents room, living room, kitchen), so there wasn’t really privacy the way you’re making it sound. Kids have a reasonable amount of privacy but know that their phones may be monitored.

My parents were pretty strict about nearly everything, but even they gave me privacy to talk to my friends. I never felt like they were monitoring me beyond how long I was on the phone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

Agree 100%

Our phones were in public place in the house (parents room, living room, kitchen), so there wasn’t really privacy the way you’re making it sound. Kids have a reasonable amount of privacy but know that their phones may be monitored.

I had my own extension in my room. So I had quite a bit of privacy.

[Anonymous]

I don't now but I did when they got their phones.

I also have all their passwords and they know I could do random checks...I don't, but if I do they are not surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious what you parents of older teens think will tip you off to safety concerns. Do you think your child will have noticeable behavior changes? Do you think s/he will come to you if something is going on? Do you have parental controls on? Have you talked extensively about predators online? Do your children know that everything they do on that phone can and will be saved in perpetuity and possibly harm them in college or their professional life?

Yes, we've talked many times about all the ways someone can figure out what school you go to, where you hang out, groom you, pretend to be a 14 yr old when really they're a 44 yr old, etc. My kids know how searches work, and have seen both parents search social media on prospective employees. One of my daughters even showed me how her assistant principal in middle school had his account wide open and she told me all about his hobbies and what he was doing on weekends, and I had to go tell him to lock it down. And yes, my kids have come to me when something is going on - when they've had a friend post about being raped, when they were sent d**k pics, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

Nope, my parents never listened in on my phone calls, unless I was on the phone in the room they were also in. No, they never read my diary. No, they weren't listening in when I had friends over in my bedroom. I remember us coming down to the kitchen and my mother saying she could hear us laughing and what was so funny? But she wasn't listening in - we were just laughing hysterically pretty often and loud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you were growing up, did you think it was appropriate for your mother to secretly pick up the phone in the kitchen and listen into your conversations with your friends on the phone in their bedroom? How about reading your diary? How about putting her ear to the basement door while you're with your friends?

Today's standards should be no different.

That’s BS. It’s SO different today. My kids interact online with people that I have never met, in some cases my kids themselves have only met them briefly or a long time ago and they now have an online “friendship.” Also phone calls were usually just conversations. Now the kids are exchanging photos and videos and all the other garbage that’s available on the internet.