How To Be A Good Wife?

[Anonymous]

1. Be kind and respectful
2. Maintain your own separate life, but be clear that your marriage comes first
3. Upkeep healthy sex life
4. Don’t nag
5. Give your husband proper alone time
6. Keep your husband first even after kids come
7. Take care of yourself physically
8. Pull proper weight around the house with chores
9. Stay interesting and once kids come don’t just talk about logistics
10. Don’t get too serious, remember to play and nurture your friendship
11. Trust him (if he deserves it, if not leave)

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

OP sounds very naive. Which is to be expected from someone newly married. I believed in outdated gender roles when I was a young newlywed, too. Probably most of us did.

Once you’ve been in the trenches a few years, have had a couple kids, and face real hardships, you figure out that being a good spouse has absolutely nothing to do with gender roles, men providing, and women being submissive. Probably quite the opposite, my first marriage was very traditional and fell apart. Same with my female friends in the same role.

My second marriage is equal, in fact many of the “gender roles” are reversed, and we’re rock-solid. We do so well because we decided to base our marriage off of things like friendship, mutual respect, genuinely cherishing each other, etc rather than superficial things like “good provider” or “hot”.

If you want a solid marriage, I’d recommend going through Gottman Institute courses. They’re extremely helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Be kind and respectful
2. Maintain your own separate life, but be clear that your marriage comes first
3. Upkeep healthy sex life
4. Don’t nag
5. Give your husband proper alone time
6. Keep your husband first even after kids come
7. Take care of yourself physically
8. Pull proper weight around the house with chores
9. Stay interesting and once kids come don’t just talk about logistics
10. Don’t get too serious, remember to play and nurture your friendship
11. Trust him (if he deserves it, if not leave)

Good luck!

Spot on!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Be kind and respectful
2. Maintain your own separate life, but be clear that your marriage comes first
3. Upkeep healthy sex life
4. Don’t nag
5. Give your husband proper alone time
6. Keep your husband first even after kids come
7. Take care of yourself physically
8. Pull proper weight around the house with chores
9. Stay interesting and once kids come don’t just talk about logistics
10. Don’t get too serious, remember to play and nurture your friendship
11. Trust him (if he deserves it, if not leave)

Good luck!

Agree.

RE: #3 - losing interest in sex later on is a medical disorder; luckily there are several FDA approved medications to treat this. Don’t just blow off your marital sex-life the way so many bitter, divorced women on this forum seem to do. Intimacy is important throughout the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Sex, listening/being emotionally available, equitably splitting childcare/cooking/cleaning, apologizing when you're wrong, being aware of your own emotions, liking (or at least tolerating) his family - try really hard with this, encouraging his friendships, and giving him time to do things he loves (this is easy without kids, but tough with kids).

By the way, he should do all of these things for you too!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sex, listening/being emotionally available, equitably splitting childcare/cooking/cleaning, apologizing when you're wrong, being aware of your own emotions, liking (or at least tolerating) his family - try really hard with this, encouraging his friendships, and giving him time to do things he loves (this is easy without kids, but tough with kids).

By the way, he should do all of these things for you too!

PP. Forgot to mention- stay fit!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Feminism is part of what makes a good wife, IMO. Part of feminism is being on guard for internalized patriarchy. That crops up a lot when wives send signals to men that they don’t want their husbands to look weak, and that they believe that how much money a man earns is related to their value as a partner.

So I say become more of a feminist if you want to be a good wife.

OP here. No thanks.

NP here. Huh, OP? Do you believe a man's worth is tied to his earnings? Do you believe men should keep up appearances of strength? Really?

OP here. Not fully, no. Men do have a place in the world as a provider and protector. All woman, feminist or not, seek men who make a good living. It’s in our DNA too seek out men to help provide for us. I think part of what makes a good spouse is his potential to earn ands provide, whether that be $50k or $500k/year.

+1. OP is very naive but she’s right. Do you think your husband and many other men married you for earning potential? NO! They married you because you’re hot ( to them) and were willing to sleep with them. Men are simple - food and sex is really all they need. Thai thread has proven many times most men care very little about a woman’s education and career, but they care if she’s hot, fit, and willing to give then sex. Men who are making money don’t want a partner who makes money. They want someone to feed them and f*ck them.

Men in the top 5% of earners don’t care if their partners make money. The rest living in high cost areas care. This doesn’t mean they will marry a dog for money. It just mens most men will date/have sex with any hot woman. They will only marry the attractive ones that can contribute to the HHI. DH dates tons of women before me. He didn’t want to marry any of them. Many were objectively more attractive than me. He’s said he like my fun personality, caring nature, smarts and job, and that I’m always DTF. I can’t cook and we have a cleaning lady.

Just be yourself OP. He married you for who you are now. Whatever you’re doing, it’s working.

This is untrue based on some threads. Many men on here said they and most men don’t care about a woman’s education or how much they earn. They just want someone who is hot and will have sex with them.

PP is right. Mine was in top 5% and still wanted a certain income for a wife.

Same here. My husband wasn’t even open to a serious relationship with a non-professional woman (casually dated several nice women like that, but he did not bring them home to meet the parents). I have a pretty good career and happen to be conventionally attractive as well.

[Anonymous]

What works for your marriage won’t necessarily work for anyone else’s. A marriage is more than the sum of the partners, and it is insulting to both partners to reduce their relationship to something merely transactional. There is no one size fits all. So ask your DH want he wants most from marriage, and listen to him.

[Anonymous]

Space. Give the guy some space. He does not always want to talk about how he feels.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here.

OP: keep his interest. No one can say how to do that, except you. But whatever it means for the two of you, stay interested.

So many divorcées repeat the phrase: “we drifted apart” - and I think that should be a lesson for the rest of us: stay interested and stay interesting to each other.

For me: my “type” is a very smart woman. I married well: my wife is brilliant, and that is what I need to stay interested.

I will add: don’t let your love for your children result in abandoning your love for your husband (I’ve seen that happen to women in couples we know). Keep that marital bond as strong as you can.

They use that phrase because they are not going to tell you the real reason for the divorce. It is almost never “we drifted apart.”

Eh I disagree. If a partner strays, or wants to stray, I think quite often the "drifting apart" came before that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am a feminist and a very good wife. I am also a good mom. A good DD, DIL, SIL, friend, employee, boss, neighbor, citizen etc etc.

Being a feminist did not mean bra-burning or being anti-men. I immigrated from a very conservative country. I am non-White and not a Christian. I became a feminist because my father was a feminist. . My father supported me because my grandfather was an educated man who had deep respect for women in all their roles and he was a very decent man. My father grew up respecting women and seeing empowered women in his life like his mom, his sisters, sister in laws, wife, MIL, aunts, cousins etc.

My father did not curtail my educational aspirations. He wanted me to be strong and deal with life and be able to provide for my kids if something bad ever happened (death of husband or divorce). Being educated meant that I had economic options. It also meant that I was able to not be pressured into marrying young and it also meant that once I got married I had currency over my reproductive choices. No one controlled my womb and I got pregnant at my will after I was well settled for several years in my married life.

Being a feminist did not translate into my having premarital sex or having boyfriends. Not as a moral judgement but mainly as my own choice. I did not want boyfriend(s) or romantic entanglement before I became established in my career. I did not want any distractions and I did not also find anyone who was worthy of me. Being a feminist meant that I did not have to have sex or have a boyfriend just because everyone else was. I did not have to give in to peer pressure. I was more focused in leaving my hometown to go to the big city to live alone and attend university for my post-grad and research work. I was confident enough to go to a male dominated industry on my own merit.

A very easy thing in my country to humiliate a woman who rejects you is to spread rumors about her. That happened to me too by all the jerks who could not understand why I was not flattered by their sexual or romantic interest. Being a feminist meant that I had high standards and did not have to follow the gender norms. Finally, the man I did fall in love with was also a feminist and he had to prove himself to be worthy of me. Being a feminist made me evaluate him on his moral character and decency and of course I could only marry a fellow feminist, right?

What is a feminist? It is just a humanist. It is a person who treats everyone with respect, equality and consideration regardless of their race, gender, sexual orientation, religion, age, disability, country of origin. And in a marriage if each spouse treats each other with respect, equality, consideration, love, loyalty, then it is a good marriage. If you and your spouse extend the same to your children then you have a good family. It is not rocket science.

All the other stuff - sex, chores, HHI etc, every thing is workable. From the outside, my marriage looks like a conservative marriage. We probably play traditional roles because there is some natural affinity to it. However, I feel supremely empowered and fulfilled in my marriage. My DH feels supremely empowered and fulfilled in our marriage. Marry the person who shares the same values, principles and goals as you and it will be easy to be a good wife.

You're so boring. Do you bore him as much as you just bored us?

Back to sex!

I thought the previous post was great, and very interesting. Yours is the yawn-worthy contribution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here.

OP: keep his interest. No one can say how to do that, except you. But whatever it means for the two of you, stay interested.

So many divorcées repeat the phrase: “we drifted apart” - and I think that should be a lesson for the rest of us: stay interested and stay interesting to each other.

For me: my “type” is a very smart woman. I married well: my wife is brilliant, and that is what I need to stay interested.

I will add: don’t let your love for your children result in abandoning your love for your husband (I’ve seen that happen to women in couples we know). Keep that marital bond as strong as you can.

They use that phrase because they are not going to tell you the real reason for the divorce. It is almost never “we drifted apart.”

Eh I disagree. If a partner strays, or wants to stray, I think quite often the "drifting apart" came before that.

It is not always cheating at all or just "drifting apart." a lot of times, the marriage was a mistake to begin with, a bad match, people stayed for kids only, for finances only, for appearances only, and/or it was emotinally abusive, sexless, mental illness, the list goes on. People are not going to advertise all of those reasons and the easiest way to shut people up is to say "drifted apart."

[Anonymous]

Get him a girlfriend.

[Anonymous]

If he is as much of a control freak as OP suggests, simply having sex won’t do. He will be into something really kinky. Figure out what it is. Probably the more sadistic the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH here.

OP: keep his interest. No one can say how to do that, except you. But whatever it means for the two of you, stay interested.

So many divorcées repeat the phrase: “we drifted apart” - and I think that should be a lesson for the rest of us: stay interested and stay interesting to each other.

For me: my “type” is a very smart woman. I married well: my wife is brilliant, and that is what I need to stay interested.

I will add: don’t let your love for your children result in abandoning your love for your husband (I’ve seen that happen to women in couples we know). Keep that marital bond as strong as you can.

They use that phrase because they are not going to tell you the real reason for the divorce. It is almost never “we drifted apart.”

Eh I disagree. If a partner strays, or wants to stray, I think quite often the "drifting apart" came before that.

It is not always cheating at all or just "drifting apart." a lot of times, the marriage was a mistake to begin with, a bad match, people stayed for kids only, for finances only, for appearances only, and/or it was emotinally abusive, sexless, mental illness, the list goes on. People are not going to advertise all of those reasons and the easiest way to shut people up is to say "drifted apart."

Which is kind of ironic. Because implying you gave up on your marriage for no good reason makes you sound way worse than if there were actually a reason.