Racist relative wants to see my kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 years is a very long time to be unforgiving of a few remarks. If Aunt Becky wants to make amends you should try. Or font if you still want to hold your grudge snd hurt feelings.

“ a few remarks”
Exhibit number one of why America is still grappling with racism.
Sheesh!

[Anonymous]

One of the reasons that America is still grappling with racism is that people don't actually talk honestly to each other. Yes, Aunt Becky's behavior was horrid. And no, I don't think OP should risk exposing her kids to Aunt Becky when she won't be there to crisis manage the situation in the event she hasn't changed. But maybe have an honest conversation with your MIL, assuming you have a good relationship with her, and air it all out. Maybe MIL wants to take the kids to Aunt Becky's to make her own point to her old friend, i.e. "These are MY grandkids, old friend Becky, and I think they are AWESOME." And yes, old people---particularly those who grew up in a more racist time---can change. My cousin adopted transracially. Prior to the adoption, my aunt expressed privately concern to my mom that she didn't know if she could ever the feel the same about the adopted child as she did about cousin's bio DD. But once the child arrived, all my aunt's concerns disappeared, and 20 years later she cannot believe she ever held that thought and regrets that she did. People are complicated and people evolve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, 20 years ago you heard from someone that she said you were “no good”? Couldn’t she just as easily say: “This woman has hated me for 20 years for something that I said that got twisted and misinterpreted?” This is why with family you should always try to assume best intentions. Have you ever had a real conversation with her?

Explain how this could have been a perfectly innocent statement that was misinterpreted by multiple other family members: "said some very racist things about me to his mother. and others. Aunt Becky said people from my race were no good and that my husband should break up with me and even lobbied some relatives to push for our breakup (for the record, this was seconded by multiple people, so it is not mere hearsay)."

Absolutely anything second-hand could be misinterpreted. The number of people who believe something has nothing to do with how true it is.

The only way we are going to get over our divisions in this country is to actually talk to one another, not repeat rumors of what we heard people said about us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up in the south, I had multiple incredibly racist relatives. I also had some relatives who were very forward thinking. For example, one married a Cherokee woman and another married an Eskimo (I don't know if it's kosher to say that rn but that is how they described her). Some relatives would be like "don't know what he saw in her, her face is so flat and small eyes!" Don't get me started on comments about black people. But, they were always nice to me. They loved me and were good family members. I benefited from being in their presence. When they said racist stuff, I knew they were idiots in that regard - ignorant, uneducated, and backward. People are complex. What is harmful about being around a family member with a stupid view (unless it puts you in direct danger)? If anything it's a learning experience and a foil of how not to behave

PP again. As I think about this more, I just want to add that I think this part of the larger cultural push to surround yourself with people who create an echo chamber. I've seen so many posts that are like "could you be friends with a Trump supporter?!" Of course, why not? I am an atheist and have been friends with Christians, Muslims and Jews my whole life. Why could i not be friends with someone who has different political views? He loves guns, I don't. How does that affect our relationship? It strikes me as very callous when people extend that thinking to their own family members. The idea that everyone should think the same as you, even if their views are ridiculous in your eyes (which I think 99% of us can agree racist views certainly are), it seems very egotistical and I would say narcissistic, as well as sheltered, to only surround yourselves with people who share all your same views.

As someone else who grew up in the South, you are an idiot. You are literally comparing being a white person listening to (and not arguing against, I might add) racism against other races and OP being discriminated against personally. And then saying that if she chooses to protect her mixed-raced children from racism, she is a narcissist.

You are genuinely unintelligent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, 20 years ago you heard from someone that she said you were “no good”? Couldn’t she just as easily say: “This woman has hated me for 20 years for something that I said that got twisted and misinterpreted?” This is why with family you should always try to assume best intentions. Have you ever had a real conversation with her?

Explain how this could have been a perfectly innocent statement that was misinterpreted by multiple other family members: "said some very racist things about me to his mother. and others. Aunt Becky said people from my race were no good and that my husband should break up with me and even lobbied some relatives to push for our breakup (for the record, this was seconded by multiple people, so it is not mere hearsay)."

Absolutely anything second-hand could be misinterpreted. The number of people who believe something has nothing to do with how true it is.

The only way we are going to get over our divisions in this country is to actually talk to one another, not repeat rumors of what we heard people said about us.

Why do you assume, with no basis, that OP and the other relatives all misunderstood Aunt Becky? And why is this OP's responsibility to fix? If Aunt Becky were interested in reconciling, don't you think she would have reached out at some point during the past 20 years? Why do people like you always put the onus on victims of racism to do all the work to fix the rifts that ensue from that racism?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One of the reasons that America is still grappling with racism is that people don't actually talk honestly to each other. Yes, Aunt Becky's behavior was horrid. And no, I don't think OP should risk exposing her kids to Aunt Becky when she won't be there to crisis manage the situation in the event she hasn't changed. But maybe have an honest conversation with your MIL, assuming you have a good relationship with her, and air it all out. Maybe MIL wants to take the kids to Aunt Becky's to make her own point to her old friend, i.e. "These are MY grandkids, old friend Becky, and I think they are AWESOME." And yes, old people---particularly those who grew up in a more racist time---can change. My cousin adopted transracially. Prior to the adoption, my aunt expressed privately concern to my mom that she didn't know if she could ever the feel the same about the adopted child as she did about cousin's bio DD. But once the child arrived, all my aunt's concerns disappeared, and 20 years later she cannot believe she ever held that thought and regrets that she did. People are complicated and people evolve.

Whopppeee doooo for your aunt,(by the way loving people does not mean you cannot be racist towards them, proximity does not change that)
And maybe 0P doesn’t want to use her kids as some kind of Repentant Racist experiment.
You know your inability to understand that maybe some folks do not want to chance having an encounter within a racist MUCH LESS THEIR D**** KIDS..
Geez
The gaslighting is astounding!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Never let anyone make you believe that it's worse to call out someone as racist than to actually BE a racist. Somehow that's gotten twisted. If you understand that, declining the invitation will be easy. Can you imagine if Aunt Becky says something terrible to your kids? You will never forgive yourself.

As a mom this is the part that would worry me. My skin is thick enough to not care about what stupid Aunt Becky says, but I'd be really upset if she said something awful to my kids. I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As someone who grew up in the south, I had multiple incredibly racist relatives. I also had some relatives who were very forward thinking. For example, one married a Cherokee woman and another married an Eskimo (I don't know if it's kosher to say that rn but that is how they described her). Some relatives would be like "don't know what he saw in her, her face is so flat and small eyes!" Don't get me started on comments about black people. But, they were always nice to me. They loved me and were good family members. I benefited from being in their presence. When they said racist stuff, I knew they were idiots in that regard - ignorant, uneducated, and backward. People are complex. What is harmful about being around a family member with a stupid view (unless it puts you in direct danger)? If anything it's a learning experience and a foil of how not to behave

PP again. As I think about this more, I just want to add that I think this part of the larger cultural push to surround yourself with people who create an echo chamber. I've seen so many posts that are like "could you be friends with a Trump supporter?!" Of course, why not? I am an atheist and have been friends with Christians, Muslims and Jews my whole life. Why could i not be friends with someone who has different political views? He loves guns, I don't. How does that affect our relationship? It strikes me as very callous when people extend that thinking to their own family members. The idea that everyone should think the same as you, even if their views are ridiculous in your eyes (which I think 99% of us can agree racist views certainly are), it seems very egotistical and I would say narcissistic, as well as sheltered, to only surround yourselves with people who share all your same views.

As someone else who grew up in the South, you are an idiot. You are literally comparing being a white person listening to (and not arguing against, I might add) racism against other races and OP being discriminated against personally. And then saying that if she chooses to protect her mixed-raced children from racism, she is a narcissist.

You are genuinely unintelligent.

+1

OP isn't trying to create an echo chamber. She's trying to shield her kids from a "family" member telling them they are no good. You are quite stupid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:20 years is a very long time to be unforgiving of a few remarks. If Aunt Becky wants to make amends you should try. Or font if you still want to hold your grudge snd hurt feelings.

Doesn't sound like Aunt Becky is trying at all to make amends...

[Anonymous]

As a Black mother of three multiracial children, no, I would not allow my kids to be around Aunt Becky. While I agree that people can change, it does not seem like Aunt Becky has made any attempts to engage your family within the past 20 years.

As others have stated, the onus is not on you, nor your children, to engage and educate someone who has made disparaging remarks about you and your people. If MIL wants to make a point to her old friend, as someone suggested above, that should not require your children being present and being used to convince someone that their train of thought was and is (if Aunt Becky has not changed) racist. Your MIL should know better and have declined the invitation from the get go. For her to put you in the position of being the reason the kids can't go makes me scratch my head.