Racist relative wants to see my kids
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Anonymous
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I'm currently visiting family of my husband in another state. My husband and I are from different races -- he's white, I'm a minority. We have been together for 20 years. When we first started dating, an aunt of my husband (not actually an aunt, but a cousin of his mother, let's call her "Aunt Becky") said some very racist things about me to his mother. and others. Aunt Becky said people from my race were no good and that my husband should break up with me and even lobbied some relatives to push for our breakup (for the record, this was seconded by multiple people, so it is not mere hearsay). Anyway, I was very hurt at the time but since Aunt Becky lives in another state, we don't deal with her and my husband could care less about her opinion, the whole thing was forgotten.
Fast forward 20 years. We have three beautiful children. His mother still has a good relationship with Aunt Becky. His mother now wants to take the kids to Aunt Becky's house to use her pool and spend the afternoon there. I don't know how to feel about it. Even though it was a long time ago, I was deeply affected by Aunt Becky's racism (I had never really experienced something so direct like that) and was really hurt as I very much loved (and still love) my husband and couldn't believe someone I never met could hurl a desire to break us up on account of my race. I also have some fears that this person could be nasty to my children or say something hurtful. My question is: am I being petty here? Should I say something? Should I say that I don't want my children spending time with Aunt Becky? I don't want to make an issue out of something 20 years old but I have this physical reaction to the name "Aunt Becky" and for me the wound is still raw. What do you think I should do? |
Anonymous
| Nope. MIL can find another pool or something else to do with the kids for the afternoon. |
Anonymous
| Another nope. Your husband explains to his mother than Aunt Becky has been pointedly rude about people of your race and he doesn't want his children to be exposed to people who think and talk that way. Mom can find something else to do with the kids when she has them, another pool or another venue entirely. |
Anonymous
| Firm no and tell MIL exactly why. |
Anonymous
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My parents are from different races and my white grandmother told my mother and myself that different races should not marry, in general. However, she was quite fond of me and my father. We did go to visit her, and she was unfailingly courteous. This is the type of racism that I have experienced most often: people who have a general prejudice about other races, but when confronted with an actual live human, and particularly a child, can't bring themselves to be unkind. My grandmother's views on race considerably mellowed with age, as did the views of most of my relatives of the same generation on that side of the family.
In your place, I would ask whether my kids have been specifically invited by this erstwhile racist person. I would not agree to their going if the invitation doesn't originate with the aunt. I would remind my MIL what happened 20 years ago, and that I am concerned my children may hear racist comments from this person or others if they visit, so unless this aunt's views have changed and she really wants to meet them, I do not want my kids to visit her. |
Anonymous
| Agree with above poster. If Aunt Becky wants to meet them, this could be a great move towards education/reconciliation/acceptance. |
Anonymous
| Nope, I would not. I'm not seeing our anti-LGBTQ+ relatives. Not putting my kids through that. Later the kids will know. |
Anonymous
| Your spouse should make an issue of this. If I had a relative who had pulled that, we would have no relationship and she would never meet my kids. I would be happy to communicate to my parents why their trash relatives are dead to me. |
Anonymous
| Nope. |
Anonymous
| Never let anyone make you believe that it's worse to call out someone as racist than to actually BE a racist. Somehow that's gotten twisted. If you understand that, declining the invitation will be easy. Can you imagine if Aunt Becky says something terrible to your kids? You will never forgive yourself. |
Anonymous
| This is OP. I suppose I'm torn between the "hard nopes" and the posters who wrote re: "conciliation/education". I do believe Aunt Becky wants to see the kids and it was her idea -- although I have no idea if she is holds racist views or has reformed in her older age. I recognize this is a petty feeling and probably below me, but I also want for some "consequences" to fall upon Aunt Becky (i.e., you were racist to me, so the price to pay for that is you cannot have a relationship with my family). |
Anonymous
| Nope I’m on your side. Do not expose your kids to people like that. Tell MIL why. Hopefully she will tell aunt Becky and she will call and apologize. Won’t make up for it, but at least a step in the right direction. |
Anonymous
Then Aunt Becky can apologize to OP. It’s not her kids’ job to educate the old racist. |
Anonymous
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I think if you were going to be there with the children at the pool and give "Aunt Becky" a chance to make things right, that would be one thing and I would go.
I would not send the children without me, or with just their grandmother. |
Anonymous
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How close are you to your MIL? Could you let her know your hesitation? Ask her if Aunt B had changed and if she would treat your kids differently because of their race?
Also, are your kids good swimmers because another concern of mine would be that no one would keep an eye on them and there’s a risk of drowning. |