College age kid home out til 12 or later many nightd

[Anonymous]

I totally understand how you feel OP. MY DH sometimes works late and I cannot fall into a deep sleep until he gets home. It's not that I don't trust him. I just can't fall asleep until everyone who lives at my house it tucked in for the night. I have a fear of waking up in the morning and finding that someone who is supposed to be home never got home last night. Call it anxiety, but I think it's pretty normal to feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Can you ask them to text you/tell you when they plan to be home-ish? Even if the understanding is that you won't necessarily be awake? And explain that it helps you feel better? My kid has been pretty good about doing this and sticking to what he says. It does help.

This is what I do. I'm on my 5th young adult BTW. It's about mutual respect and it works well for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I'm asking as gently as possible... what happens after college? When your child moves out and does not live under your roof? Can you think of this as training for that time? It will come eventually and if you work on stress/anxiety reducing efforts now, you'll be better off in the future.

New poster. Those of you posting that OP needs professional help for anxiety, what about after college, etc....Please read with more care. OP said she can sleep fine when DC is away at college. She will be fine, then, when DC has moved out for good, too.

I think a lot of people here are eager to accuse the OP of somehow being a bad parent, not "letting go" (clearly she does, if she's OK when DC's at college) and being clinically anxious; but I think those of you doing that fail to understand what it's like to be a person for whom falling asleep is not something that's simply at one's command.

You can tell OP all day long that she needs to get over this, but that does not magically undo 18-plus years of your body and brain becoming wired to be alert if your child, of whatever age, is not where you know they are safe. That's not diagnosable anxiety or lack of trust -- it's instinct some people develop and it's actually a good thing when our kids are younger and, yeah, when they're teens. It's not easy to tamp down when they go off to college, but we do it over time -- and OP has done that too. The issue is that when college kids return home, especially the first few times, some parents' years of wiring kick back in. Why is that so hard for some to understand? My own college kid comes home next week and I know I will find bedtimes rockier for a while, partly because the mom part kicks back in, and partly because I simply am not used to having ANY other person in the house other than spouse and myself.

OP's situation is compounded by the staying out late thing and and that's a case of sitting down to talk with the DC. OP, your DC needs to be approached like an adult: One part of having no leash at college is accepting responsibility at college, and responsibility extends to home. Everyone in a household needs to act in ways that work for everyone else's peace of mind. DC doesn't need to stay in all the time for your sake, but DC and you need to work out a system like the alarm clock one person mentioned earlier.