College age kid home out til 12 or later many nightd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to train yourself to sleep when he’s not home. Devise a system where he turns off a hall light or something you can see from your bed when he gets home. You’ll get used to it, OP.

Your nearly grown son is learning to self-regulate and trust himself to make time management decisions.

Good idea.

[Anonymous]

I'd only be worried if it is partying every night, in which case, I do think you have an issue and maybe need to check out al-anon or something?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is your house. You are not running a free boarding house. Explain why it bothers you. I knew as a college student that what I did while away at school in terms of staying out late was not going to be okay with my parents and I respected that it was their house and adjusted behavior accordingly. Not talking about coming home at 9 but midnight on weeknights is reasonable compromise.

But Mom doesn't have a problem, generally, with kid staying out late (and since kid is 20, that's as it should be). And kid doesn't wake Mom up when she gets home. It's that Mom can't mak herself sleep until kid gets home. This is Mom's issue, and it's pretty ridiculous to ask kid to solve it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Generally speaking as I know every case is different--I also wonder if there is a difference if you have a boy vs. a girl.

As a mom of a girl, yeah I just cannot sleep as I worry about her safety. One extra thing of concern with girls is the vulnerability within their own friend group (i.e. guys in their friend group).

I mean--totally generally speaking, and also theoretically speaking, since I don't have an adult son...but my friend's son is 6'2" and was on the football team. He's also a level-headed, non-partier kid. My friend doesn't worry about him getting beat up or raped.

And I think another aspect is the personality of the kid--if you have a risk-taker etc or not. And even small things: I have one DD who sometimes forgets to shut the garage door or might not lock the front door. But I've got a younger one who is really good with that kind of stuff.

But the DD is more likely to be in an unsafe position if she's "spending the night with a friend" or staying elsewhere. I did a lot of unsafe things and often didn't have a place to sleep because my parents had an 11pm curfew and I couldn't make it home in time for curfew. Even slept in my car. We weren't huge partiers either, but friends got together around 10pm and would hang out all night.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We work up early. As a Mom I can’t sleep til kid home . I know I know. Trying to give freedom but also hoping for advice on compromise use at least during work week. 2nd summer after college.

Get over it. My mom tried this when I came home for summers. So I stopped coming home and moved out right after college. It is fine to ask for (some general) plans and ETA of when they'll be home. This is what respectful adults do. It is not fine to go much beyond that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We work up early. As a Mom I can’t sleep til kid home . I know I know. Trying to give freedom but also hoping for advice on compromise use at least during work week. 2nd summer after college.

Get over it. My mom tried this when I came home for summers. So I stopped coming home and moved out right after college. It is fine to ask for (some general) plans and ETA of when they'll be home. This is what respectful adults do. It is not fine to go much beyond that.

It's totally fine to set boundaries if there are noises, but otherwise, I agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is your house. You are not running a free boarding house. Explain why it bothers you. I knew as a college student that what I did while away at school in terms of staying out late was not going to be okay with my parents and I respected that it was their house and adjusted behavior accordingly. Not talking about coming home at 9 but midnight on weeknights is reasonable compromise.

But Mom doesn't have a problem, generally, with kid staying out late (and since kid is 20, that's as it should be). And kid doesn't wake Mom up when she gets home. It's that Mom can't mak herself sleep until kid gets home. This is Mom's issue, and it's pretty ridiculous to ask kid to solve it.

Yup! If your brother in law or any other adult was staying with you would you set a curfew?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came home after freshman year and had a midnight curfew. That is the last time I lived in my parents' house.

This. Mom’s insane anxiety just pushed me out of the house earlier.

[Anonymous]

Benadryl + white noise machine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the reasons I could not wait to move out after college. My parents were the same. They would say the same thing.."I can't sleep until I know you are home'.

I get it.. I have kids now, and maybe I might end up the same way, which is why I would ecourage my kids to leave the nest if they don't want to adhere to my rules.

Same and as a parent I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep either. My parents were not that strict with me but it was definitely their house, their rules. They said I could get a full time job and rent an apartment if I wanted to live somewhere else. That’s what I ended up doing and it was much better for our relationship. They helped pay rent since it was less than the campus housing during the year but I had to pay for all of it in the summer.

[Anonymous]

^the only summer I lived with them was after freshman year.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is a roommate situation. You wouldn't "not sleep" because your roommates were out. That's way out of line. You would expect others to be very quiet and not disturb you when they come in. You can insist on that. They need to be considerate --- but do not need to be 1 once considerate because you worry. Now, if you own the car and have real reason to be concerned about your liability with them out in it, you can impose any rules you want on your property.

[Anonymous]

^ I'm a parent of young adults, btw

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We work up early. As a Mom I can’t sleep til kid home . I know I know. Trying to give freedom but also hoping for advice on compromise use at least during work week. 2nd summer after college.

Could you ask them to text you at midnight or whatever the latest is that you want to stay up until?

I think it's reasonable to say you want them to come home at some point in the overnight and not stay elsewhere. Yes, 18/19 is an adult and yes they were at college but the truth is that most college campuses offer a isolated environment where everyone is there for the same reason and in the same age range. This just isn't the case in the real world and yes, 18/19 years old are still young and just don't have that much real world adult experience even when they think they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We work up early. As a Mom I can’t sleep til kid home . I know I know. Trying to give freedom but also hoping for advice on compromise use at least during work week. 2nd summer after college.

Could you ask them to text you at midnight or whatever the latest is that you want to stay up until?

I think it's reasonable to say you want them to come home at some point in the overnight and not stay elsewhere. Yes, 18/19 is an adult and yes they were at college but the truth is that most college campuses offer a isolated environment where everyone is there for the same reason and in the same age range. This just isn't the case in the real world and yes, 18/19 years old are still young and just don't have that much real world adult experience even when they think they do.

You didn’t go to a college in a city if you think they are all isolated environments where everyone is there for the same reason. I lived off campus starting my sophomore year in a walkable city, like many college students do.