Unusual MIL dynamic

[Anonymous]

OP, I know you have good intentions but you really need to let your DH handle this and (within reason) go with his plan. So apologize to him for shifting his idea down. If it doesn’t work this time, he’s learned a lesson for next time without you having to hound and criticize him.

[Anonymous]

Your heart is in the right place OP but this falls into the category of “when someone shows you who they are, believe them”. DH and his mom aren’t super into each other— that’s ok. Unless there is a habit of springing last minute visits to mom on you, which it doesn’t seem is the case, leave him in charge of that relationship until there’s a reason you need to intervene— don’t, for example, leave your child with a badly trained or dangerous dog and if that mean he freaks out and the visit is shorter, so be it.

Also, the dog is likely a permanent fixture so if you want to have your MIL travel to you, say so to your DH in a context outside this plan. After this visit say “Jr was really struggling with the dog/a nightmare in the car, so next time we see your mom let’s have her come here.”

[Anonymous]

First--I think it's important to let go of the idea of what a "good" grandparent/parent relationship should look like. There are a zillion different ways to be a family, and that's completely fine.

Maybe there's some old hurt in the relationship. Maybe your DH and his mom are just not the type of people who need to be in touch frequently. That's out of your control.

What is in your control is supporting your husband with the relationship he is trying to have with his mom. yeah, a two-hour drive with a toddler wouldn't thrill me. But if this is a monthly (or less) effort, isn't it worth it ... again, just to support what relationship your husband wants to have?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You let your dh handle.
Mine is like that too. When I tried to encourage interactions it always backfired.

+1

Some moms aren't the "talk every day" kind of personality, and some moms just make everything difficult. Just let him handle her, or not.

[Anonymous]

Get a hobby that isn't trying to manage the relationship of fully grown and capable adults. They have clearly decided for themselves that their relationship/closeness/their family isn't a top priority. Move on with your day.

[Anonymous]

I'm coming in late here. But early on in my marriage I realized dh and his families dynamics and never pushing to call or see his family. When and if he ever wanted to he did and if he didn't oh well. Its his mom so just drop it and if she never sees your dh or kids its no loss to you or them. Its ultimately her loss to not see or know them. Move on and don't bring up seeing her again until he foes thdn ho along with what he wants to do. You all will be happier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know why everyone is getting so upset at OP. Her husband didn't even start thinking about this until *2* days before Thanksgiving. That would drive me bananas.

Because it has nothing to do with how you or OP feel. It is not like her husband is waiting until the last minute and then expecting the day to be arranged by his new plans. He is ok not talking to his mom on thanksgiving. The mom is also ok with it. The op is creating a problem where there is none and then shooting down an easy solution because it is not the one she wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really don't think it's unusual to want your mother-in-law to have a vested interested in seeing your grandchildren....The piling on is quite weird.

You can want it, but you can't pressure someone who is clearly disinterested in that kind of relationship.

Cool. So what about Thanksgiving? Most people plan ahead. It's nuts that OP's DH and his own mother haven't decided how they want to handle Thanksgiving. And of course that affects OP, too.

No plan is a plan. Both the DH and his mom were fine without talking on Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dh made a suggestion and you shot it down. The dog won’t be outside with you and the size of her condo and backyard are irrelevant because you’re just going to be sitting outside. Of course you go...an elderly woman shouldn’t he we to drive because you want her to come to you. Let your DH manage the relationship and stop trying to conform it to what you think it should be. It’s his mom. Apologize hero him for shooting it down and say you will go up on Sunday..

Talking to your mom every day seems excessive, IMO.

How can you say that talking to her mom every day is excessive if they both want to then it’s not excessive to them.
why is it something you even need to put a value judgment on?

[Anonymous]

I’ll be that was totally up to you if you want it now you can reach out to his mom or not and whatever happens happens

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband suggestion is good and you did kind of shoot it down.

But why is it good to sit with an aggressive animal? I'm confused.

Oh lord.

Just ask her to keep the animal inside. Leave if she won't. Obviously.

Rrrrrighhhhtttt. Like abruptly leaving isn’t awkward at all.