Unusual MIL dynamic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to manage the relationship of two grown adults? What makes you the authority on how much they should talk or interact, or how close THEY should be?

They somehow managed their own relationship for 30 years or so before you came along. What credentials do you have as a fa,ily therapist, and when did they hire you?

You seem to have a strangely passionate interest in this.

How interesting that you can't answer these simple questions.

I'm the OP.

I actually met my husband in college while his parents were going through a bitter divorce, which affected his relationship with both parents.
I'm not trying to manage their relationship. I'm trying to do a fairly normal thing - orchestrate a family get-together on Thanksgiving. This is something performed by families nationwide every year.
I'm not an authority on when they should interact. You might note in my post that I acknowledge how every family relationship is different.
Nobody hired me to be a therapist. Nobody hired you to be DCUM's resident prosecutor, either. I suggest you offer advice or back off the aggressive questioning. It's not very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Don’t try to initiate a Zoom. If he only speaks to her in the phone every few weeks, a Zoom is going to be super awkward for everyone. I think his idea of going to visit her at her condo on Sunday is totally reasonable, and ask if she wouldn’t mind keeping the dog inside. If your husband already rejected the idea of inviting her to your house, drop it. Not happening.

[Anonymous]

Go with your husbands idea. Ask that the dog be inside or have your husband mind the dog.

Don’t let a shit dog get in the way of a relationship that won’t be around for too long.

[Anonymous]

In your OP, you stated that you asked your husband if you "could find a way to meet outside." When your husband suggested just that, you told him no. You should apologize to him and go along with what he suggested if you're really intent on making this work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your OP, you stated that you asked your husband if you "could find a way to meet outside." When your husband suggested just that, you told him no. You should apologize to him and go along with what he suggested if you're really intent on making this work.

Why apologize for a difference of opinion? Marriage is about compromise, not rolling over to do what the other person suggests and apologizing for having a different idea.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to manage the relationship of two grown adults? What makes you the authority on how much they should talk or interact, or how close THEY should be?

They somehow managed their own relationship for 30 years or so before you came along. What credentials do you have as a fa,ily therapist, and when did they hire you?

You seem to have a strangely passionate interest in this.

How interesting that you can't answer these simple questions.

I'm the OP.

I actually met my husband in college while his parents were going through a bitter divorce, which affected his relationship with both parents.
I'm not trying to manage their relationship. I'm trying to do a fairly normal thing - orchestrate a family get-together on Thanksgiving. This is something performed by families nationwide every year.
I'm not an authority on when they should interact. You might note in my post that I acknowledge how every family relationship is different.
Nobody hired me to be a therapist. Nobody hired you to be DCUM's resident prosecutor, either. I suggest you offer advice or back off the aggressive questioning. It's not very helpful.

Uh it's a pandemic, dummy. "Orchestrate" complying with CDC guidelines and stay home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband suggestion is good and you did kind of shoot it down.

But why is it good to sit with an aggressive animal? I'm confused.

Oh lord.

Just ask her to keep the animal inside. Leave if she won't. Obviously.

+1

And if she doesn’t and the dog scaring your kid then cut the visit short. Really there’s not much more to this and it’s a pretty simple solution.

So they’re going to drive an hour with a toddler and turn around and drive another hour to get home after the dog scares the kid? This is a stupid plan. OP, why don’t you suggest a zoom call tomorrow?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you trying to manage the relationship of two grown adults? What makes you the authority on how much they should talk or interact, or how close THEY should be?

They somehow managed their own relationship for 30 years or so before you came along. What credentials do you have as a fa,ily therapist, and when did they hire you?

You seem to have a strangely passionate interest in this.

How interesting that you can't answer these simple questions.

I'm the OP.

I actually met my husband in college while his parents were going through a bitter divorce, which affected his relationship with both parents.
I'm not trying to manage their relationship. I'm trying to do a fairly normal thing - orchestrate a family get-together on Thanksgiving. This is something performed by families nationwide every year.
I'm not an authority on when they should interact. You might note in my post that I acknowledge how every family relationship is different.
Nobody hired me to be a therapist. Nobody hired you to be DCUM's resident prosecutor, either. I suggest you offer advice or back off the aggressive questioning. It's not very helpful.

Uh it's a pandemic, dummy. "Orchestrate" complying with CDC guidelines and stay home.

Complying with CDC guidelines includes gathering outdoors in small groups safely spaced and masked. And who calls someone a "dummy"? Oh dear.

[Anonymous]

Somebody put the freakin dog on a leash and it will be okay.

[Anonymous]

OP, he knew what he wanted to do. He spoke it. You rejected it. You shouldn't have. You didn't have solid reasons to reject his idea. Your fault.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your husband suggestion is good and you did kind of shoot it down.

But why is it good to sit with an aggressive animal? I'm confused.

Oh lord.

Just ask her to keep the animal inside. Leave if she won't. Obviously.

+1

And if she doesn’t and the dog scaring your kid then cut the visit short. Really there’s not much more to this and it’s a pretty simple solution.

So they’re going to drive an hour with a toddler and turn around and drive another hour to get home after the dog scares the kid? This is a stupid plan. OP, why don’t you suggest a zoom call tomorrow?

See- unless grandma is a jerk she will put the dog inside if it’s upsetting the kid so much.

[Anonymous]

He did handle it. Just not the way you wanted. Is it your way or the highway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Let sleeping dogs lie.

I don’t know why you think there is a problem here. They’re two introverts. They’re OK with not talking often. Why are you literally picking a fight over a non-issue?!?

Sigh.

+1. I’m a DW who talks to my parents about once a month. They are nice people, we just live separate lives. It’s not a problem for any of us. We see them once a year. DH stays out of it, but thinks it’s strange and somehow reflective of a poor relationship.

DH is very close with his mom and talks/texts with her multiple times a week. He used to really encourage me to talk with his mom independently. I think he wanted her to be my substitute mom. I hated feeling like I had to talk to her to please him. I eventually stopped. I’d bet your husband is frustrated with you trying to dictate his relationship with his mom. Everyone’s relationship is different and neither one is right or wrong.

Wow, that would drive me crazy as well!

[Anonymous]

I don’t see what the big deal is, OP. Your DH had a reasonable suggestion and it’s his mother. You can’t read her mind. Go on Sunday as he suggested. When you’re there, you can say, “we would love to see you more. Would you like for me to reach out an invite you sometime? I don’t want to impose but I want you to know you are welcome.” And just see. But really, follow your DH’s lead. Speaking every three weeks sounds very reasonable to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You let your dh handle.
Mine is like that too. When I tried to encourage interactions it always backfired.

+1