How to handle three generations staying at parents house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I hear you. My parents insist that we cannot stay at hotels, so we mostly don’t visit or I go solo with my toddler. My parents’ house has two bathrooms but a tiny hot water heater and messed-up plumbing. My mom will not share a bathroom and has an elaborately long getting-ready routine. So everyone else gets cold showers and has to announce everything they’re doing that involves running water, flushing, or showering, because if you do anything while someone is showering, you’ll freeze or scald them. We can’t shower at night because “the house is shut down for the night” and it’s too noisy. More than two adults getting ready within an hour is impossible and it seems like every conversation is about bathroom schedules.

Let me guess, they also close the kitchen and seem perplexed that they salad you ate for dinner won’t tide you over until 7 AM because it was “hearty” salad.

It is insane. Mine get up at 5 AM and start rattling pots and pans in the kitchen. Hotel all the way.

Ok, found my sister. Yup, my mom loves to end the night with a “hearty” salad because she thinks lunch should be the main meal. She turns the kitchen lights off as soon as the dishes are done and comments if you turn them on to get anything. And yes, 5 am is her preferred time for moving around pots and pans and unloading the dishwasher. As a bonus, she stays up late and gets up early because she naps from 2-5, so we get to tiptoe around with a toddler who’s already napped on east coast time. My dad spends most of this time blowing his nose, snoring in a chair, or snoring in their room.

[Anonymous]

My IL's had a 3 bedroom house; the master bedroom and then two "guest rooms." This was not the house Dh and his (3) siblings grew up in.
MIL was a bit of a hoarder so each of these guestrooms had way more furniture than they could reasonably fit--basically there were narrow pathways between dressers, shelves, beds, etc. Closets and dressers were crammed with clothes so you definitely couldn't unpack.
MIL didn't think it was a big deal and wanted all 4 of her kids, kids' spouses, and any grandchildren to sleep over there. She figured everyone would just end up in a sleeping bag on the living room floor like they did when they had sleepovers with their friends when they were young!
Needless to say, after the first time, I insisted that we stay in a hotel. They lived in a fairly remote area so the hotels were about half an hour away. she threw a fit but we just ignored it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My IL's had a 3 bedroom house; the master bedroom and then two "guest rooms." This was not the house Dh and his (3) siblings grew up in.
MIL was a bit of a hoarder so each of these guestrooms had way more furniture than they could reasonably fit--basically there were narrow pathways between dressers, shelves, beds, etc. Closets and dressers were crammed with clothes so you definitely couldn't unpack.
MIL didn't think it was a big deal and wanted all 4 of her kids, kids' spouses, and any grandchildren to sleep over there. She figured everyone would just end up in a sleeping bag on the living room floor like they did when they had sleepovers with their friends when they were young!
Needless to say, after the first time, I insisted that we stay in a hotel. They lived in a fairly remote area so the hotels were about half an hour away. she threw a fit but we just ignored it.

Haha! The theme of all these posts is that elderly relatives think it’s fun(!) for you to sleep in an uncomfortable bed or have no bed, control what you eat, wake you up at the crack of dawn, etc. Thats no fun and that’s not family togetherness- that’s just your parents imposing their will on you. Just say no and stay in a hotel.

(Note: if you think this is fun, have at it. I’m writing to the people who aren’t happy with this setup, but feel some sort of guilt about not making their parents happy.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early on in our relationship, my future wife brought me along to her family’s beach house in Delaware. Well, it turns out us younger people were expected to sleep on air matresses in the living floor.

I did it for one night because I didn’t have any choice. In the morning, I got up and told her if that ever happened again, we were done. It’s never happened again.

You sound like quite the diva.

No, I’m not a diva. I just think it’s rude to invite so many people to your house that they have to sleep on the floor. My rule is pretty simple- every guest should get their own room and bed. That includes kids (though putting kids in bunk beds is fine). Couples can of course share a bed, but nothing smaller than a full size. And no fewer than one bathroom per bedroom.

If you can’t accommodate this, I’m staying at a hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early on in our relationship, my future wife brought me along to her family’s beach house in Delaware. Well, it turns out us younger people were expected to sleep on air matresses in the living floor.

I did it for one night because I didn’t have any choice. In the morning, I got up and told her if that ever happened again, we were done. It’s never happened again.

You sound like quite the diva.

No, I’m not a diva. I just think it’s rude to invite so many people to your house that they have to sleep on the floor. My rule is pretty simple- every guest should get their own room and bed. That includes kids (though putting kids in bunk beds is fine). Couples can of course share a bed, but nothing smaller than a full size. And no fewer than one bathroom per bedroom.

If you can’t accommodate this, I’m staying at a hotel.

You are a diva. Some sharing is ok. 8 people to 1 bathroom is not ok. But every bedroom having a bathroom is a ridiculous request.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early on in our relationship, my future wife brought me along to her family’s beach house in Delaware. Well, it turns out us younger people were expected to sleep on air matresses in the living floor.

I did it for one night because I didn’t have any choice. In the morning, I got up and told her if that ever happened again, we were done. It’s never happened again.

You sound like quite the diva.

No, I’m not a diva. I just think it’s rude to invite so many people to your house that they have to sleep on the floor. My rule is pretty simple- every guest should get their own room and bed. That includes kids (though putting kids in bunk beds is fine). Couples can of course share a bed, but nothing smaller than a full size. And no fewer than one bathroom per bedroom.

If you can’t accommodate this, I’m staying at a hotel.

And you were going to scrap your relationship over THAT? Your future wife got an eye-opening insight into your personality! I would have tossed you to the curb just for being so arrogant in general.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early on in our relationship, my future wife brought me along to her family’s beach house in Delaware. Well, it turns out us younger people were expected to sleep on air matresses in the living floor.

I did it for one night because I didn’t have any choice. In the morning, I got up and told her if that ever happened again, we were done. It’s never happened again.

You sound like quite the diva.

No, I’m not a diva. I just think it’s rude to invite so many people to your house that they have to sleep on the floor. My rule is pretty simple- every guest should get their own room and bed. That includes kids (though putting kids in bunk beds is fine). Couples can of course share a bed, but nothing smaller than a full size. And no fewer than one bathroom per bedroom.

If you can’t accommodate this, I’m staying at a hotel.

You are a diva. Some sharing is ok. 8 people to 1 bathroom is not ok. But every bedroom having a bathroom is a ridiculous request.

Shrug. I can always get a hotel. I don’t get the drama on this thread. Who cares if parents get offended. An invitation isn’t a summons, and adults have no obligation to stay somewhere if they aren’t comfortable.

I like my space.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Early on in our relationship, my future wife brought me along to her family’s beach house in Delaware. Well, it turns out us younger people were expected to sleep on air matresses in the living floor.

I did it for one night because I didn’t have any choice. In the morning, I got up and told her if that ever happened again, we were done. It’s never happened again.

You sound like quite the diva.

No, I’m not a diva. I just think it’s rude to invite so many people to your house that they have to sleep on the floor. My rule is pretty simple- every guest should get their own room and bed. That includes kids (though putting kids in bunk beds is fine). Couples can of course share a bed, but nothing smaller than a full size. And no fewer than one bathroom per bedroom.

If you can’t accommodate this, I’m staying at a hotel.

And you were going to scrap your relationship over THAT? Your future wife got an eye-opening insight into your personality! I would have tossed you to the curb just for being so arrogant in general.

If she had told me about the arrangements ahead of time, I could have gotten a hotel room and there wouldn’t have been any problem. It was a recurring theme in our relationship early on- she assumed that the type of arrangement her family had for situations like that (older people get the bedrooms, kids sleep wherever) was fine. By that point, we were in our late 20’s. No, it’s not okay to expect someone of that age to be comfortable sleeping on an air mattress surrounded by people they barely know. It was a miserable experience, and could’ve been avoided if she’d given it some thought ahead of time.

People need to understand that not everyone wants to do things the way your family has always done it.

[Anonymous]

My parents are thrilled when we visit them and stay in a hotel because it's much less work for my mom!

[Anonymous]

There are downsides to a hotel too though. It means you have to be back at the hotel for the kids’ bedtimes, and then have to keep the room dark and quiet after they fall asleep. In my family that would mean missing out on the most fun part of our family get-togethers - after dinner when the kids are asleep and the adults drink/play games/chat/watch a movie etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are downsides to a hotel too though. It means you have to be back at the hotel for the kids’ bedtimes, and then have to keep the room dark and quiet after they fall asleep. In my family that would mean missing out on the most fun part of our family get-togethers - after dinner when the kids are asleep and the adults drink/play games/chat/watch a movie etc.

Great point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are downsides to a hotel too though. It means you have to be back at the hotel for the kids’ bedtimes, and then have to keep the room dark and quiet after they fall asleep. In my family that would mean missing out on the most fun part of our family get-togethers - after dinner when the kids are asleep and the adults drink/play games/chat/watch a movie etc.

Great point.

Excellent point. Which is why we always tough it out. The parents get the bed, with one or two little kids in with us. Then all the other kids are in sleeping bags and air mattresses on the floor. If they're old enough then a bunch of kids can have a sleep over in the family room and parents take individual shifts to be up and make sure they are all okay. I dunno why but it works for our family. We'd rather be all together even if it is a little physically unconventional or uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are downsides to a hotel too though. It means you have to be back at the hotel for the kids’ bedtimes, and then have to keep the room dark and quiet after they fall asleep. In my family that would mean missing out on the most fun part of our family get-togethers - after dinner when the kids are asleep and the adults drink/play games/chat/watch a movie etc.

Great point.

Excellent point. Which is why we always tough it out. The parents get the bed, with one or two little kids in with us. Then all the other kids are in sleeping bags and air mattresses on the floor. If they're old enough then a bunch of kids can have a sleep over in the family room and parents take individual shifts to be up and make sure they are all okay. I dunno why but it works for our family. We'd rather be all together even if it is a little physically unconventional or uncomfortable.

See, the reason it works for your family is that you enjoy the wine drinking/game playing/chatting that happens when the kids get to bed.

In a lot of families, basically the ones where the elderly relatives try to dictate everything - that’s not happening. Grandma closed the kitchen, remember!

Basically, I keep harping on this point, because my life got so much better and my family interactions got much more satisfying when I started focusing on what I wanted/needed. Basically:

We’ve decided to stay in a hotel. Everyone we’ll get a better night sleep, dad!

We’re going out to lunch because the kids do better when they eat at noon!

We’re thinking of going to the zoo tomorrow! Do you want to join us?

The visit where ^ that happened went well.

The visit where we were all trapped in a condo, my parents tried to make one can of soup for 5 people for lunch, my parents didn’t get dressed before noon, wondered why 7:30 PM dinner reservations didn’t work for kids who normally go to bed at 8 PM...

You gotta speak up/stand up and just be say no, that’s not really going to work (while being nice about it)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are downsides to a hotel too though. It means you have to be back at the hotel for the kids’ bedtimes, and then have to keep the room dark and quiet after they fall asleep. In my family that would mean missing out on the most fun part of our family get-togethers - after dinner when the kids are asleep and the adults drink/play games/chat/watch a movie etc.

Great point.

Excellent point. Which is why we always tough it out. The parents get the bed, with one or two little kids in with us. Then all the other kids are in sleeping bags and air mattresses on the floor. If they're old enough then a bunch of kids can have a sleep over in the family room and parents take individual shifts to be up and make sure they are all okay. I dunno why but it works for our family. We'd rather be all together even if it is a little physically unconventional or uncomfortable.

I totally agree about the downsides to a hotel and we toughed it out for a while. Then my parents downsized and the 3rd bedroom is actually an open-air loft. Considering my mom is hard of hearing and is banging pots and cupboards around without a care in the world, and wouldn't turn off the TV until after the 11pm news, whoever slept in the loft just didn't sleep. So we started alternating with my sister's family so that every other visit we could stay at my parents and then the next time at a hotel/airbnb. It's been a worthwhile compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are downsides to a hotel too though. It means you have to be back at the hotel for the kids’ bedtimes, and then have to keep the room dark and quiet after they fall asleep. In my family that would mean missing out on the most fun part of our family get-togethers - after dinner when the kids are asleep and the adults drink/play games/chat/watch a movie etc.

Great point.

Excellent point. Which is why we always tough it out. The parents get the bed, with one or two little kids in with us. Then all the other kids are in sleeping bags and air mattresses on the floor. If they're old enough then a bunch of kids can have a sleep over in the family room and parents take individual shifts to be up and make sure they are all okay. I dunno why but it works for our family. We'd rather be all together even if it is a little physically unconventional or uncomfortable.

See, the reason it works for your family is that you enjoy the wine drinking/game playing/chatting that happens when the kids get to bed.

In a lot of families, basically the ones where the elderly relatives try to dictate everything - that’s not happening. Grandma closed the kitchen, remember!

Basically, I keep harping on this point, because my life got so much better and my family interactions got much more satisfying when I started focusing on what I wanted/needed. Basically:

We’ve decided to stay in a hotel. Everyone we’ll get a better night sleep, dad!

We’re going out to lunch because the kids do better when they eat at noon!

We’re thinking of going to the zoo tomorrow! Do you want to join us?

The visit where ^ that happened went well.

The visit where we were all trapped in a condo, my parents tried to make one can of soup for 5 people for lunch, my parents didn’t get dressed before noon, wondered why 7:30 PM dinner reservations didn’t work for kids who normally go to bed at 8 PM...

You gotta speak up/stand up and just be say no, that’s not really going to work (while being nice about it)

+1 Your post brought back memories of being hungry regularly when visiting. My mother didn't bother buying/making food because she used the excuse that she didn't know we "allowed" DC to eat. So we'd come to town and have to go buy groceries first thing and take care of all eating in and eating out for the whole visit, which is extra work when you're away from home.

DH's parents would eat everything so late. And would be so deeply offended if we brought food to fill in the gaps. We did anyway because we were so hungry.

The best thing we ever did was start to get a hotel room.