More than four kids

[Anonymous]

Hi, OP. I am one of eight kids, and have four kids. My parents probably were influenced by religion, but that played no role in decision-making for me and my husband. My DH and I are also both attorneys, though I stopped working shortly after my fourth was born because finding reliable childcare that could also do all the carpooling that multiple kids in multiple activities entails became too stressful. Financially, we are really lucky that my DH is a high earner. I do think you know when you are done. After three, I just didn't feel like our family was complete. I knew I was definitely done after four. So, that would weigh in favor of having another based on your mindset.

On the other hand, all of the issues (logistical, emotional, financial, mental health, etc.) get bigger as your kids get older. Bigger kids, bigger problems for sure. That can be very emotionally draining for a parent. It's true that you are only as happy as your least happy child, and when you have a lot of kids, there are a lot of emotions involved. There is also something to be said about one-on-one time with the kids (which a couple of our kids really seem to want) AND with your spouse. So many of our weekends are spent going in different directions with different kids that we DH and I will sometimes go weeks in a row without seeing much of each other. Of course, that is changing as our oldest has now left the house and the other kids don't always need/want us there. Someone else pointed out how expensive older kids are. It is so, so true. Just don't underestimate those expenses, and be aware of potential expenses for therapy, expensive sports (including travel), tutors, etc.

We have never, ever wished we didn't have four, and I can't imagine a smaller family working for us.

Only you and your DH can decide what's right for your family. I would just suggest thoroughly discussing some of these issues. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi, OP. I am one of eight kids, and have four kids. My parents probably were influenced by religion, but that played no role in decision-making for me and my husband. My DH and I are also both attorneys, though I stopped working shortly after my fourth was born because finding reliable childcare that could also do all the carpooling that multiple kids in multiple activities entails became too stressful. Financially, we are really lucky that my DH is a high earner. I do think you know when you are done. After three, I just didn't feel like our family was complete. I knew I was definitely done after four. So, that would weigh in favor of having another based on your mindset.

On the other hand, all of the issues (logistical, emotional, financial, mental health, etc.) get bigger as your kids get older. Bigger kids, bigger problems for sure. That can be very emotionally draining for a parent. It's true that you are only as happy as your least happy child, and when you have a lot of kids, there are a lot of emotions involved. There is also something to be said about one-on-one time with the kids (which a couple of our kids really seem to want) AND with your spouse. So many of our weekends are spent going in different directions with different kids that we DH and I will sometimes go weeks in a row without seeing much of each other. Of course, that is changing as our oldest has now left the house and the other kids don't always need/want us there. Someone else pointed out how expensive older kids are. It is so, so true. Just don't underestimate those expenses, and be aware of potential expenses for therapy, expensive sports (including travel), tutors, etc.

We have never, ever wished we didn't have four, and I can't imagine a smaller family working for us.

Only you and your DH can decide what's right for your family. I would just suggest thoroughly discussing some of these issues. Good luck!

Wow, you do realize you pointed out the concerns. You have to pay someone to do the majority of the parenting including your share in a carpool. As another parent I would not be thrilled with your nanny doing your carpool share nor comfortable as I'd feel we had to pay them. Older kids are far more expensive but you can choose not to do any activities, tutors and other things that many parents choose not to do, especially in larger families.

[Anonymous]

We have five, OP. All young adults now. We are both liberal Dems. Not Catholic or Mormon. More spiritual than religious. Most definitely NOT fundie Christians. My DH is a Fed. I work part-time. We are both educated and financially stable, but not wealthy. We love having a big family! It was so much fun when they were little. And honestly, it’s almost more fun now! Our oldest (DS30) is a college professor. He is also a Captain in the National Guard. He and my daughter-in-love have two children. My granddaughter is 3. My grandson is 6 months. My second (DS27) is an Army Officer stationed at Ft. Bragg. He is getting married in six months. My third (DD25) is a teacher. My fourth (DD22) is an analyst. My youngest (DS17) is a rising senior. My girls share an apartment in Alexandria. All five of the kids are still very close despite living all over the country. I feel really, really lucky.

I’m sure people made all kinds of assumptions about us when the kids were little. I was too busy with my own life to worry about what random people thought about our choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The problem in the US isn’t overpopulation. We aren’t in the position of Europe yet but we do have to pay attention because we need our workforce to be strong and large enough to support the retirees. Currently our birth rate is the lowest it has been in more than thirty years. But our real problem is who is having kids. We need people who can afford kids (both financially and emotionally) to have more and people who can’t to have fewer. OP clearly has the means and heart for more kids so is not the problem.

I totally agree with this.

[Anonymous]

^ +2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Once you get past 4, it is like falling off a bike to add another kid to the group. Some people look at the capacity to love as finite and you're seeing some of those posts here. It sounds like you and your husband know that love is NOT finite and that you have the capacity for an infinite supply of love. I say go for it, OP! The world could use a lot more love these days.

Oh please, this is not about love. This is about having enough hours in the day to properly care for and responsibly raise a human being. Love is infinite. That’s true. But creating a human being is not about love! It’s a tremendous responsibility, both for your child and the larger community. Condensing this down to love is overly simplistic and, honestly, harmful! Raising children is not just about love, even drug addicts love their children, but dying in your basement of an overdose when your kid is 7 (true story, a coworker) doesn’t exactly set them up for a healthy and well adjusted life.

Huh. You got all of that from the first post? Interesting … Lady, you've got bigger problems than the first poster's post. Just sayin'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have five, OP. All young adults now. We are both liberal Dems. Not Catholic or Mormon. More spiritual than religious. Most definitely NOT fundie Christians. My DH is a Fed. I work part-time. We are both educated and financially stable, but not wealthy. We love having a big family! It was so much fun when they were little. And honestly, it’s almost more fun now! Our oldest (DS30) is a college professor. He is also a Captain in the National Guard. He and my daughter-in-love have two children. My granddaughter is 3. My grandson is 6 months. My second (DS27) is an Army Officer stationed at Ft. Bragg. He is getting married in six months. My third (DD25) is a teacher. My fourth (DD22) is an analyst. My youngest (DS17) is a rising senior. My girls share an apartment in Alexandria. All five of the kids are still very close despite living all over the country. I feel really, really lucky.

I’m sure people made all kinds of assumptions about us when the kids were little. I was too busy with my own life to worry about what random people thought about our choices.

All 2-3 years apart, then 5 years until number 5?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just not enough time for each child IMO. At some point they become a herd rather than individuals.

It depends how they're spaced.

Even if kids are spaced out, there is only so much time during the day. You cannot spend quality time with each one individually.

Can you pay for college and graduate school, at least a state school for all 4-5 kids?

Can each kid be in 1-2 activities where you drive them?

What will you do about child care? Will they spend more time with the nanny than you?

Lots of big families work, but lots gets neglected because too many kids or the older ones parent the younger ones.

I am someone who has a mixed family that results in six (I posted on the first page) and the answer to all your questions except the last one is yes. Keep in mind that *I* am not their only parent. Four of the kids have two parents and two of the kids have three parents. So while one kid may have to wait a couple of hours to talk through a problem with us, that can easily happen in a household with two children also.

There is a big different in a mixed family with that many parents and two parents with 5 kids. OP husband works a lot and if she works to, that's not a lot of time for 5 kids. If they are rich, money still does not replace time. And, the kids will be raised by the older kids/themselves or a nanny. Kids will be fine but they need a strong parent relationship.

I don't know why you're so sure of this. It's certainly not the case in my family. ANY time the older kids have been asked to watch the younger ones for more than 20 minutes, we've asked if they want to babysit and if yes, we pay them. All six kids in our family have strong parent relationships. When my ex and I had four, we had a part time nanny who would take care of the youngest two in the afternoons when the older two came home from school. It worked out very well. I assure you, it IS possible to have a big family and have all the kids get all the love and attention they need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have five, OP. All young adults now. We are both liberal Dems. Not Catholic or Mormon. More spiritual than religious. Most definitely NOT fundie Christians. My DH is a Fed. I work part-time. We are both educated and financially stable, but not wealthy. We love having a big family! It was so much fun when they were little. And honestly, it’s almost more fun now! Our oldest (DS30) is a college professor. He is also a Captain in the National Guard. He and my daughter-in-love have two children. My granddaughter is 3. My grandson is 6 months. My second (DS27) is an Army Officer stationed at Ft. Bragg. He is getting married in six months. My third (DD25) is a teacher. My fourth (DD22) is an analyst. My youngest (DS17) is a rising senior. My girls share an apartment in Alexandria. All five of the kids are still very close despite living all over the country. I feel really, really lucky.

I’m sure people made all kinds of assumptions about us when the kids were little. I was too busy with my own life to worry about what random people thought about our choices.

All 2-3 years apart, then 5 years until number 5?

Number five was a total surprise. I was told it was impossible for me to get pregnant again. Turns out...it was possible. He is pretty awesome! So we are keeping him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just not enough time for each child IMO. At some point they become a herd rather than individuals.

It depends how they're spaced.

Even if kids are spaced out, there is only so much time during the day. You cannot spend quality time with each one individually.

Can you pay for college and graduate school, at least a state school for all 4-5 kids?

Can each kid be in 1-2 activities where you drive them?

What will you do about child care? Will they spend more time with the nanny than you?

Lots of big families work, but lots gets neglected because too many kids or the older ones parent the younger ones.

I am someone who has a mixed family that results in six (I posted on the first page) and the answer to all your questions except the last one is yes. Keep in mind that *I* am not their only parent. Four of the kids have two parents and two of the kids have three parents. So while one kid may have to wait a couple of hours to talk through a problem with us, that can easily happen in a household with two children also.

There is a big different in a mixed family with that many parents and two parents with 5 kids. OP husband works a lot and if she works to, that's not a lot of time for 5 kids. If they are rich, money still does not replace time. And, the kids will be raised by the older kids/themselves or a nanny. Kids will be fine but they need a strong parent relationship.

I don't know why you're so sure of this. It's certainly not the case in my family. ANY time the older kids have been asked to watch the younger ones for more than 20 minutes, we've asked if they want to babysit and if yes, we pay them. All six kids in our family have strong parent relationships. When my ex and I had four, we had a part time nanny who would take care of the youngest two in the afternoons when the older two came home from school. It worked out very well. I assure you, it IS possible to have a big family and have all the kids get all the love and attention they need.

If you have a nanny and pay the older ones to watch the younger ones, how much time is each parent spending with each child? Even if you pay them, they are still responsible for caring for the younger kid. It worked out well for you as you made it work but how well did it work for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have five, OP. All young adults now. We are both liberal Dems. Not Catholic or Mormon. More spiritual than religious. Most definitely NOT fundie Christians. My DH is a Fed. I work part-time. We are both educated and financially stable, but not wealthy. We love having a big family! It was so much fun when they were little. And honestly, it’s almost more fun now! Our oldest (DS30) is a college professor. He is also a Captain in the National Guard. He and my daughter-in-love have two children. My granddaughter is 3. My grandson is 6 months. My second (DS27) is an Army Officer stationed at Ft. Bragg. He is getting married in six months. My third (DD25) is a teacher. My fourth (DD22) is an analyst. My youngest (DS17) is a rising senior. My girls share an apartment in Alexandria. All five of the kids are still very close despite living all over the country. I feel really, really lucky.

I’m sure people made all kinds of assumptions about us when the kids were little. I was too busy with my own life to worry about what random people thought about our choices.

All 2-3 years apart, then 5 years until number 5?

Number five was a total surprise. I was told it was impossible for me to get pregnant again. Turns out...it was possible. He is pretty awesome! So we are keeping him.

LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’ve have five. I have three step (now adopted) daughter and two biological children. We are truly blessed financially but still have just 24 hours in a day. I stopped working and still don’t feel I have enough time for each child.

Of course, I wouldn’t change anything and I love my kids. But keep in mind the time you have, OP. Your love is limitless but your time is very much finite.

This. I was one of five kids with fairly wealthy parents and a stay-at-home mother and never felt like I had anyone’s full attention for more that two minutes. The squeaky wheel got the grease and I wasn’t squeaky enough I guess. I felt invisible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was young, I romanticized big families.

But, it’s pretty narcissistic to want to overpopulate the world with your offspring isn’t it? And selfish. Even if you have all the money I’m the world, what makes you think you and your family are actually “value add?” And if you aren’t thinking about it that way, you should be.

The United States has a fertility rate of less than replacement (1.8). There is absolutely nothing wrong with a particular family having as many kids as they want.