How does a man getting turned down by his wife feel?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently divorcing my wife of over 20 years largely because of rejection. I'm a very attractive man, hard worker, good income, great father, funny, blah, blah, blah...never strayed. She finally rejected me so much to the point my mental/emotional and even physical health was greatly impacted. Occasional rejection is manageable, but persistent rejection eats away at a man's soul (I'd imagine a woman's, too)

Rejection turned this very faithful man into a bitter person for a while who now has filed for divorce, separated and having incredible sex with a woman who is the antithesis of my soon to be ex-wife. I can't believe I took so long to leave that selfish woman. Once I had a taste of what real intimacy was...no way I was going to reconcile with my wife.

In the beginning, your XW had lots of sex with you, right? Or you wouldn't have married her. What's to say that if you marry this new woman, then 5-7 years later you are back in the dead bedroom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My best friend got her DH to understand by repeatedly offering him an Italian sub (his favorite food at one time). It was the funniest thing I’ve read on social media.

Wut?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Currently divorcing my wife of over 20 years largely because of rejection. I'm a very attractive man, hard worker, good income, great father, funny, blah, blah, blah...never strayed. She finally rejected me so much to the point my mental/emotional and even physical health was greatly impacted. Occasional rejection is manageable, but persistent rejection eats away at a man's soul (I'd imagine a woman's, too)

Rejection turned this very faithful man into a bitter person for a while who now has filed for divorce, separated and having incredible sex with a woman who is the antithesis of my soon to be ex-wife. I can't believe I took so long to leave that selfish woman. Once I had a taste of what real intimacy was...no way I was going to reconcile with my wife.

I feel for your wife. 20 years of marriage and getting you where you are ends up in nothing but this. I mean no matter how she would have compromised, it would have been not good enough and so it seems like divorce and new sex is the goal. I know what gets said is that is not the case, I would have tried etc. but what you are talking about is new sex that is great. It’s just finding a reason for new sex. Just sad for your wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hurt, angry, unappreciated, unattractive. Need I say more?

Stop farting and burping and grabbing your nuts like you’re alone. Try making love to her instead of just pouncing. Take her out. Give her time to make herself feel attractive. Talk to her like you’re not always right. Stop making her do 100% of the emotional labor.
Yes, women tire of their husbands. You need to be playful and give her imagination space so she can be motivated to have sex with you again. Sorry but this is the truth.
She has responsibilities too. She needs to pull her weight without complaint, tell you you’re sexy, flirt, do thoughtful things. Just thought you’d want the woman’s perspective too.

Oh, did you forget to read the fine print in the marriage contract that says you, the dancing monkey, will have to dance faster and faster and faster as her interest inexorably declines? Too bad for you. Now dance, monkry, dance!

Does taking your wife out sometimes and watching your own children for a few minutes while she makes herself attractive really make you feel like a dancing monkey?
What did you think your life would be like when you got married and had children? Did you think it would be exactly the same as being alone except that you now have a clean home, cooked meals, nightly sex, and double the income? You never thought she would want anything in return? Not even that you recognize her existence and don’t fart in front of her?

What are you talking about? Maybe start your own thread? OP asked men what they feel when they get turned down. OP did not ask about you and your martyrdom. You seem to hate your husband and your life. These are all things you chose. You are not a princess and the world does not revolve around you. I know this is hard but think about someone else besides yourself.

I don’t hate my life. I am just puzzled by the “dancing monkey” comment. And now the princess thing.
The pp’s list all seems totally normal.

Does everything your wife asks you to do make you feel like a dancing monkey?

Really stop farting and burping and grabbing your nuts? Emotional labor? Make me feel attractive while I belittle you and your contribution to the household? Maybe I will give you sex and you should be very appreciative that I even entertain having sex with you.WTF lady? Who is stupid enough to stay in a relationship like that? You think anyone(man or woman) would want a one sided relationship like that? It is not sustainable. You need to self reflect and check your ego.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently divorcing my wife of over 20 years largely because of rejection. I'm a very attractive man, hard worker, good income, great father, funny, blah, blah, blah...never strayed. She finally rejected me so much to the point my mental/emotional and even physical health was greatly impacted. Occasional rejection is manageable, but persistent rejection eats away at a man's soul (I'd imagine a woman's, too)

Rejection turned this very faithful man into a bitter person for a while who now has filed for divorce, separated and having incredible sex with a woman who is the antithesis of my soon to be ex-wife. I can't believe I took so long to leave that selfish woman. Once I had a taste of what real intimacy was...no way I was going to reconcile with my wife.

I feel for your wife. 20 years of marriage and getting you where you are ends up in nothing but this. I mean no matter how she would have compromised, it would have been not good enough and so it seems like divorce and new sex is the goal. I know what gets said is that is not the case, I would have tried etc. but what you are talking about is new sex that is great. It’s just finding a reason for new sex. Just sad for your wife.

Well, you're making a lot of assumptions. We did NOT have lots of sex in the beginning. In fact had a sexless marriage many years...no kissing and never received oral sex ever in almost a quarter century. 3 to 4 counselling sessions over the years and at some point you realize you just aren't a priority and you're a schmuck for putting up with it as long as you have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently divorcing my wife of over 20 years largely because of rejection. I'm a very attractive man, hard worker, good income, great father, funny, blah, blah, blah...never strayed. She finally rejected me so much to the point my mental/emotional and even physical health was greatly impacted. Occasional rejection is manageable, but persistent rejection eats away at a man's soul (I'd imagine a woman's, too)

Rejection turned this very faithful man into a bitter person for a while who now has filed for divorce, separated and having incredible sex with a woman who is the antithesis of my soon to be ex-wife. I can't believe I took so long to leave that selfish woman. Once I had a taste of what real intimacy was...no way I was going to reconcile with my wife.

I feel for your wife. 20 years of marriage and getting you where you are ends up in nothing but this. I mean no matter how she would have compromised, it would have been not good enough and so it seems like divorce and new sex is the goal. I know what gets said is that is not the case, I would have tried etc. but what you are talking about is new sex that is great. It’s just finding a reason for new sex. Just sad for your wife.

New poster and I see nothing in his post that made him seem unreasonable or his wife look like a victim. To people with a normal libido, sex is essential part of marriage. It's not the only part but there is no marriage without it. Whether his wife was selfish is subjective but she is ultimately going to be happier alone and without someone bothering her for intimacy she doesn't want. And he filed for divorce instead of cheating like most men do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently divorcing my wife of over 20 years largely because of rejection. I'm a very attractive man, hard worker, good income, great father, funny, blah, blah, blah...never strayed. She finally rejected me so much to the point my mental/emotional and even physical health was greatly impacted. Occasional rejection is manageable, but persistent rejection eats away at a man's soul (I'd imagine a woman's, too)

Rejection turned this very faithful man into a bitter person for a while who now has filed for divorce, separated and having incredible sex with a woman who is the antithesis of my soon to be ex-wife. I can't believe I took so long to leave that selfish woman. Once I had a taste of what real intimacy was...no way I was going to reconcile with my wife.

I feel for your wife. 20 years of marriage and getting you where you are ends up in nothing but this. I mean no matter how she would have compromised, it would have been not good enough and so it seems like divorce and new sex is the goal. I know what gets said is that is not the case, I would have tried etc. but what you are talking about is new sex that is great. It’s just finding a reason for new sex. Just sad for your wife.

New poster and I see nothing in his post that made him seem unreasonable or his wife look like a victim. To people with a normal libido, sex is essential part of marriage. It's not the only part but there is no marriage without it. Whether his wife was selfish is subjective but she is ultimately going to be happier alone and without someone bothering her for intimacy she doesn't want. And he filed for divorce instead of cheating like most men do.

Agree. I think people also think we are sex starved people. What we want is physical affection. Yes, sex is the ultimate, but we'll (I'll) settle for willing hugs/kisses/snuggles/etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently divorcing my wife of over 20 years largely because of rejection. I'm a very attractive man, hard worker, good income, great father, funny, blah, blah, blah...never strayed. She finally rejected me so much to the point my mental/emotional and even physical health was greatly impacted. Occasional rejection is manageable, but persistent rejection eats away at a man's soul (I'd imagine a woman's, too)

Rejection turned this very faithful man into a bitter person for a while who now has filed for divorce, separated and having incredible sex with a woman who is the antithesis of my soon to be ex-wife. I can't believe I took so long to leave that selfish woman. Once I had a taste of what real intimacy was...no way I was going to reconcile with my wife.

In the beginning, your XW had lots of sex with you, right? Or you wouldn't have married her. What's to say that if you marry this new woman, then 5-7 years later you are back in the dead bedroom?

NP: 5-7 years of something is better than the current nothing. That's a no brainer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently divorcing my wife of over 20 years largely because of rejection. I'm a very attractive man, hard worker, good income, great father, funny, blah, blah, blah...never strayed. She finally rejected me so much to the point my mental/emotional and even physical health was greatly impacted. Occasional rejection is manageable, but persistent rejection eats away at a man's soul (I'd imagine a woman's, too)

Rejection turned this very faithful man into a bitter person for a while who now has filed for divorce, separated and having incredible sex with a woman who is the antithesis of my soon to be ex-wife. I can't believe I took so long to leave that selfish woman. Once I had a taste of what real intimacy was...no way I was going to reconcile with my wife.

In the beginning, your XW had lots of sex with you, right? Or you wouldn't have married her. What's to say that if you marry this new woman, then 5-7 years later you are back in the dead bedroom?

NP: 5-7 years of something is better than the current nothing. That's a no brainer.

yep, plus age by the time the 5-7 years is up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently divorcing my wife of over 20 years largely because of rejection. I'm a very attractive man, hard worker, good income, great father, funny, blah, blah, blah...never strayed. She finally rejected me so much to the point my mental/emotional and even physical health was greatly impacted. Occasional rejection is manageable, but persistent rejection eats away at a man's soul (I'd imagine a woman's, too)

Rejection turned this very faithful man into a bitter person for a while who now has filed for divorce, separated and having incredible sex with a woman who is the antithesis of my soon to be ex-wife. I can't believe I took so long to leave that selfish woman. Once I had a taste of what real intimacy was...no way I was going to reconcile with my wife.

I feel for your wife. 20 years of marriage and getting you where you are ends up in nothing but this. I mean no matter how she would have compromised, it would have been not good enough and so it seems like divorce and new sex is the goal. I know what gets said is that is not the case, I would have tried etc. but what you are talking about is new sex that is great. It’s just finding a reason for new sex. Just sad for your wife.

Well, you're making a lot of assumptions. We did NOT have lots of sex in the beginning. In fact had a sexless marriage many years...no kissing and never received oral sex ever in almost a quarter century. 3 to 4 counselling sessions over the years and at some point you realize you just aren't a priority and you're a schmuck for putting up with it as long as you have.

This just reinforces my point that you stayed with her until it was convenient for you. She was like this from the beginning and so the goal is new sex now that it is convenient for you.

New sex is the goal now that it is convenient for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My best friend got her DH to understand by repeatedly offering him an Italian sub (his favorite food at one time). It was the funniest thing I’ve read on social media.

Wut?

I think the point was that no matter how much you like something, there might be times that you don’t want it.

The fact that sometimes you don’t want an Italian sub doesn’t mean that you don’t love Italian subs or that you have an issue with the cook. Sometimes you just aren’t hungry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a woman, I’m curious to know why this hurts men so much. I’ve heard lots of women say the moment they turn their husband down, they get all nasty and sulky.

They feel their husband’s behavior is unreasonable. However, from a male’s perspective, is this reasonable?

It depends on many things. In an otherwise-healthy sexual relationship, you don’t even notice, really. It’s not a big deal. When it goes dysfunctional, and you get actively turned down or your wife demonstrates obviously lack of interest, however, you begin to feel like your marriage is a sick joke, that it’s just pretend. Over time this becomes corrosive.

It is foolish and counterproductive to either get nasty or sulky, however. Often men are shamed for their continued desire, and that gets to many of them emotionally. It’s a bad place to be, and often brings out the worst.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently divorcing my wife of over 20 years largely because of rejection. I'm a very attractive man, hard worker, good income, great father, funny, blah, blah, blah...never strayed. She finally rejected me so much to the point my mental/emotional and even physical health was greatly impacted. Occasional rejection is manageable, but persistent rejection eats away at a man's soul (I'd imagine a woman's, too)

Rejection turned this very faithful man into a bitter person for a while who now has filed for divorce, separated and having incredible sex with a woman who is the antithesis of my soon to be ex-wife. I can't believe I took so long to leave that selfish woman. Once I had a taste of what real intimacy was...no way I was going to reconcile with my wife.

I feel for your wife. 20 years of marriage and getting you where you are ends up in nothing but this. I mean no matter how she would have compromised, it would have been not good enough and so it seems like divorce and new sex is the goal. I know what gets said is that is not the case, I would have tried etc. but what you are talking about is new sex that is great. It’s just finding a reason for new sex. Just sad for your wife.

Well, you're making a lot of assumptions. We did NOT have lots of sex in the beginning. In fact had a sexless marriage many years...no kissing and never received oral sex ever in almost a quarter century. 3 to 4 counselling sessions over the years and at some point you realize you just aren't a priority and you're a schmuck for putting up with it as long as you have.

This just reinforces my point that you stayed with her until it was convenient for you. She was like this from the beginning and so the goal is new sex now that it is convenient for you.

New sex is the goal now that it is convenient for you.

Oh, geez, why can't I resist the urge to stop responding? Seems I have touched a nerve. Maybe you are my ex-wife? Are you from Vancouver, 5' 4" and 130lbs? Do you complain online about your "needy" teenage daughter moments after she talks (seriously) about suicide and cries about the rape wmshe went through (which her mother gaslights) Are you the mother who told her daughter she is the reason the divorce is happening? Did your daughter's therapist plead with her father that mom is apparently a narcissist and doing serious psychological harm to her--that perhaps if you left she might have a stable normal parent to turn to and a safe place? Did you poison all your kids against their father when he said he wanted a divorce over Christmas so much that their father laid in the floor of the shower Christmas morning in the fetal position from the smear campaign you launched? Did you empty your husband's life savings without consulting him and smirk about it after the fact?

Look, had I known what I know now. I would have left long ago. I WOULD HAVE NEVER MARRIED HER. I didn't know my wife was going to cut me off after we married, and a father/mother does what he has to in best interest of his/her kids until he/she realizes maybe it isn't in the best interest of the kids. And when those kids are grown up and empty nesting looks bleak, how can you fault a guy for leaving?

Intimacy has many forms. I've never had any of them with my ex. Excuse me if I don't let some random person guilt me for finding it. And the fact is most good guys don't want sex...They crave intimacy and that is far more complex. If you find it, you better hold onto it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently divorcing my wife of over 20 years largely because of rejection. I'm a very attractive man, hard worker, good income, great father, funny, blah, blah, blah...never strayed. She finally rejected me so much to the point my mental/emotional and even physical health was greatly impacted. Occasional rejection is manageable, but persistent rejection eats away at a man's soul (I'd imagine a woman's, too)

Rejection turned this very faithful man into a bitter person for a while who now has filed for divorce, separated and having incredible sex with a woman who is the antithesis of my soon to be ex-wife. I can't believe I took so long to leave that selfish woman. Once I had a taste of what real intimacy was...no way I was going to reconcile with my wife.

I feel for your wife. 20 years of marriage and getting you where you are ends up in nothing but this. I mean no matter how she would have compromised, it would have been not good enough and so it seems like divorce and new sex is the goal. I know what gets said is that is not the case, I would have tried etc. but what you are talking about is new sex that is great. It’s just finding a reason for new sex. Just sad for your wife.

Well, you're making a lot of assumptions. We did NOT have lots of sex in the beginning. In fact had a sexless marriage many years...no kissing and never received oral sex ever in almost a quarter century. 3 to 4 counselling sessions over the years and at some point you realize you just aren't a priority and you're a schmuck for putting up with it as long as you have.

This just reinforces my point that you stayed with her until it was convenient for you. She was like this from the beginning and so the goal is new sex now that it is convenient for you.

New sex is the goal now that it is convenient for you.

Oh, geez, why can't I resist the urge to stop responding? Seems I have touched a nerve. Maybe you are my ex-wife? Are you from Vancouver, 5' 4" and 130lbs? Do you complain online about your "needy" teenage daughter moments after she talks (seriously) about suicide and cries about the rape wmshe went through (which her mother gaslights) Are you the mother who told her daughter she is the reason the divorce is happening? Did your daughter's therapist plead with her father that mom is apparently a narcissist and doing serious psychological harm to her--that perhaps if you left she might have a stable normal parent to turn to and a safe place? Did you poison all your kids against their father when he said he wanted a divorce over Christmas so much that their father laid in the floor of the shower Christmas morning in the fetal position from the smear campaign you launched? Did you empty your husband's life savings without consulting him and smirk about it after the fact?

Look, had I known what I know now. I would have left long ago. I WOULD HAVE NEVER MARRIED HER. I didn't know my wife was going to cut me off after we married, and a father/mother does what he has to in best interest of his/her kids until he/she realizes maybe it isn't in the best interest of the kids. And when those kids are grown up and empty nesting looks bleak, how can you fault a guy for leaving?

Intimacy has many forms. I've never had any of them with my ex. Excuse me if I don't let some random person guilt me for finding it. And the fact is most good guys don't want sex...They crave intimacy and that is far more complex. If you find it, you better hold onto it.

NP here: Dude, I say this with love: too much drama. It sounds like you are making a rational decision. Don’t be so defensive about it. Lots of the women here are never going to approve; it goes against their self-interest to do so. Don’t look for approval here, and don’t regret the past. Just enjoy what you now have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Currently divorcing my wife of over 20 years largely because of rejection. I'm a very attractive man, hard worker, good income, great father, funny, blah, blah, blah...never strayed. She finally rejected me so much to the point my mental/emotional and even physical health was greatly impacted. Occasional rejection is manageable, but persistent rejection eats away at a man's soul (I'd imagine a woman's, too)

Rejection turned this very faithful man into a bitter person for a while who now has filed for divorce, separated and having incredible sex with a woman who is the antithesis of my soon to be ex-wife. I can't believe I took so long to leave that selfish woman. Once I had a taste of what real intimacy was...no way I was going to reconcile with my wife.

I feel for your wife. 20 years of marriage and getting you where you are ends up in nothing but this. I mean no matter how she would have compromised, it would have been not good enough and so it seems like divorce and new sex is the goal. I know what gets said is that is not the case, I would have tried etc. but what you are talking about is new sex that is great. It’s just finding a reason for new sex. Just sad for your wife.

Well, you're making a lot of assumptions. We did NOT have lots of sex in the beginning. In fact had a sexless marriage many years...no kissing and never received oral sex ever in almost a quarter century. 3 to 4 counselling sessions over the years and at some point you realize you just aren't a priority and you're a schmuck for putting up with it as long as you have.

This just reinforces my point that you stayed with her until it was convenient for you. She was like this from the beginning and so the goal is new sex now that it is convenient for you.

New sex is the goal now that it is convenient for you.

Oh, geez, why can't I resist the urge to stop responding? Seems I have touched a nerve. Maybe you are my ex-wife? Are you from Vancouver, 5' 4" and 130lbs? Do you complain online about your "needy" teenage daughter moments after she talks (seriously) about suicide and cries about the rape wmshe went through (which her mother gaslights) Are you the mother who told her daughter she is the reason the divorce is happening? Did your daughter's therapist plead with her father that mom is apparently a narcissist and doing serious psychological harm to her--that perhaps if you left she might have a stable normal parent to turn to and a safe place? Did you poison all your kids against their father when he said he wanted a divorce over Christmas so much that their father laid in the floor of the shower Christmas morning in the fetal position from the smear campaign you launched? Did you empty your husband's life savings without consulting him and smirk about it after the fact?

Look, had I known what I know now. I would have left long ago. I WOULD HAVE NEVER MARRIED HER. I didn't know my wife was going to cut me off after we married, and a father/mother does what he has to in best interest of his/her kids until he/she realizes maybe it isn't in the best interest of the kids. And when those kids are grown up and empty nesting looks bleak, how can you fault a guy for leaving?

Intimacy has many forms. I've never had any of them with my ex. Excuse me if I don't let some random person guilt me for finding it. And the fact is most good guys don't want sex...They crave intimacy and that is far more complex. If you find it, you better hold onto it.

I think I touched a nerve. I'm not a divorced woman and so don't have a stake in this.

Again, your response reinforces the fact that you stayed in a marriage for 20 years where you knew what you were getting and decided to leave at a convenient time for you. This whole message is just a rant and it reads that I stayed until it was convenient for me to leave. This means she raised your kids, helped you with career build and building your finances, keep your life on track until a time when you are in a much more secure place and so can leave. It's like those SAT questions (can you tell I have a teen) where they provide you with a lot of extraneous information and you have to extract only the relevant info.