Dear parents: your children are more capable than you think

[Anonymous]

Feel like there is some peer pressure at play. I ask my kid to wash his hands at home like he does at school or pick up his toys like at school and it’s pretty much ignored

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spoken as a preschool teacher with no training or kids. Spoken as someone who never dealt with special needs and a child who has no understanding of their name let alone a trash can.

Oh look, here's special needs mom. It's obvious that OP is talking about a typically abled child and not children with special needs. Get off your high horse.

OP and you need to get off your high horse and realize how offensive posts like this are. No reason a toddler or preschooler cannot be nurtured and have things done for them. They are very young kids. Sounds like OP and you are either too lazy or not very nurturing.

NP here. How am I lazy for teaching my children to do things they are capable of at an early age? That's the opposite of lazy!! Also, nurturing and babying/helicoptering are two very different things. My children have been very independent since a young age, but they have most definitely been nurtured and well loved. They get lots of hugs and cuddles and love, but they are allowed space do a lot on their own, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here and I’m coming back to say how much I appreciate the support for this post!!!

To a pp: you are right that I’m not teaching children with severe special needs. When I have had children in my classroom recently diagnosed with high functioning autism, or on the road to be diagnosed with ADHD (note: I never have and never will be one who diagnoses—this is coming from the parents and their therapy teams), I have absolutely adjusted to their developmental needs, requiring different things from them as their classmates, but yes expecting them to learn along the way and working with them over and over to get there.

And to the pp who suggested this approach isn’t nurturing. I simply disagree that doing everything for your kids is nurturing. Being nurturing means listening to their feelings when they are upset, even if they are upset because they are the ones that took a toy out of another students hand or pushed someone else’s tower. Nurturing is noticing when they are feeling off, sad, angry, and stopping everything to make sure they are okay. Nurturing is knowing that there are no “bad” preschool students and knowing that bad choices are often a communication of a need. Nurturing is developing empathy skills in the classroom so that they are in an environment where everyone is kind. My students love me and give me hugs constantly—and none of them are upset at having to put their own coat or shoes on. They aren’t mad when I don’t throw their snack trash away. They aren’t feeling less-cared for in those moments. They are going along with the rules and boundaries and norms of the classroom and children love knowing clear routine and boundaries. It makes them feel proud, safe, and capable.

Could you give your good suggestions without being so sanctimonious?

I found my preschooler learned from watching other kids. That is rge advantage you have in a classroom -- peer models-- that parents often don't have.

I got no sanctimony from the OP. I got valuable information that all parents who are sending their children into preschool should know --> your kids can, if given the opportunity, a lot more than you think they can. Where's the sanctimony in that lesson?

And yes, absolutely your kid is going to learn from others, but he's learning from you, too. Set good examples, PP. He'll follow them. My kids (3 and 5) know to put their plate in the kitchen sink, to throw away napkins, to wipe the table, even to help me sweep crumbs from under the table. I don't have to hound them to do these things, it's just what we do in our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spoken as a preschool teacher with no training or kids. Spoken as someone who never dealt with special needs and a child who has no understanding of their name let alone a trash can.

Oh look, here's special needs mom. It's obvious that OP is talking about a typically abled child and not children with special needs. Get off your high horse.

OP and you need to get off your high horse and realize how offensive posts like this are. No reason a toddler or preschooler cannot be nurtured and have things done for them. They are very young kids. Sounds like OP and you are either too lazy or not very nurturing.

This moronic PP likes to say this, that if you teach your kids life skills and allow them to be independent and confident starting at a young age then you must be lazy and not nurturing. Just so you know, nobody with half a brain believes this. It's just your rationalizing away your inept parenting skills and your desire to keep your kids codependent on you forever.

[Anonymous]

Very well said OP. I’ve found that my kids have gained a lot of confidence from doing things for themselves. Even if it takes a bit longer sometimes- it’s hard to give them the space/time they need to get their coats zipped up or whatever, but it is so worth it!

How do you handle a situation where the preschool aged child insists upon doing it themselves but for health/hygiene reasons an adult has to assist? How do you step in and help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Spoken as a preschool teacher with no training or kids. Spoken as someone who never dealt with special needs and a child who has no understanding of their name let alone a trash can.

Oh look, here's special needs mom. It's obvious that OP is talking about a typically abled child and not children with special needs. Get off your high horse.

OP and you need to get off your high horse and realize how offensive posts like this are. No reason a toddler or preschooler cannot be nurtured and have things done for them. They are very young kids. Sounds like OP and you are either too lazy or not very nurturing.

It's not nurturing when you take your kids' trash from them instead of asking them to walk ten feet to the nearest trash can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very well said OP. I’ve found that my kids have gained a lot of confidence from doing things for themselves. Even if it takes a bit longer sometimes- it’s hard to give them the space/time they need to get their coats zipped up or whatever, but it is so worth it!

How do you handle a situation where the preschool aged child insists upon doing it themselves but for health/hygiene reasons an adult has to assist? How do you step in and help?

Assuming we are talking about wiping after she poops, I would have her do it first (and second and third—keep asking her to check that the paper is clean) and you have to do a “wipe check” to show her what a great job she’s done. If the first check doesn’t come clean, then say “oops, didn’t get enough paper. I have to do another check.” If it’s something like hand washing, I would make it a silly game...”oh we are at the spa and we need fancy FANCY bubbles, more bubbles! Ooh la la.” Making it a game or making it silly may help them feel like it’s less of a chore. And remember that some kids insist on things, but as the adults in charge we have the final call. Like we wouldn’t let them decide not to wear a bike helmet or not get in their car seat, they can decide on some things (what they wear, how much they eat), but not others (like hygiene and health related choices). You’re right, it is so worth it! Sounds like you’re doing a great job.

—OP

[Anonymous]

I love this post! (And I don't think OP was sanctimonious!)

I remember when my kids learned to flip their jackets over their heads to put them on, and when they joined "the zipper club," when they could zip their coats by themselves. And how proud they were when they learned to tie their shoes.

I've heard this complaint about lack of distress tolerance from many, many people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Feel like there is some peer pressure at play. I ask my kid to wash his hands at home like he does at school or pick up his toys like at school and it’s pretty much ignored

Your problem is asking. Try telling your kid to do it. Consequences if he or she doesn't.

[Anonymous]

This is one of the reasons why I loved Montessori preschool. They made the kids feel very important about doing things like cleaning up their dishes, keeping the area tidy by putting things back when they done, and respecting their surroundings. They used real silverware and classes, no plastic. The play based preschool that we were at previously was a mess. Toys everywhere, cabinets overflowing, teachers always cleaning up the spilled paper cups and cookies on the floor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have taught preschool for over 15 years and I’ve seen a decline in my students’ abilities to self-regulate, to use the bathroom independently, and general abilities. Parents, your preschool-aged children are so much more capable than you think! They can throw away their own trash. If they immediately hand it to you, you should direct them to the trash can. They can take their plate/cup/fork to the kitchen when they are done. They can clean up toys. They can wash their hands properly (Is it because of all the purell? Do you not make your kids wash their hands after they use the bathroom? Is it because you always wipe for them that you don’t make them wash hands? That’s another post...). They can learn to put on their own clothes, SHOES, coat, hat, and mittens. Yes it may take them time to learn these things, it won’t be right away, but parents are just doing it for them each and every time, to avoid a conflict or tantrum with their child or to “just go faster” because you’re in a rush. I get it, we are all busy, but rushing your kid or doing things for them to avoid them crying is at a great cost to your child. They lose out on the motor skills practice every time you do it for them, they lose out on the boost of confidence it gives them to accomplish a task and be a part of the family (chore contribution) and—ironically—while you might be trying to avoid a meltdown by putting on his shoes for him before even asking him to try, you’re potentially causing anxiety down the road because he/she won’t be used to having to do hard things and when a teacher or other adult does ask—he/she will crumble easily and will feel like a failure. Have them try everything at least once before you swoop in. Kids are terrified to try these days!

Your child can eat a full snack or a meal while sitting down and not running around. They can eat a meal without watching a screen. They can handle boredom without watching a screen. They can take a regular car ride without watching a screen. They can complete a shopping trip with you without watching a screen. When you hand your child your phone or iPad when they’re upset, you’re taking away their ability to self-regulate. When they get it every time they’re bored, you’re taking away their ability to practice delayed gratification. The immediacy in which their brain is soothed by the screen makes it easy for them and you *in the moment*, but there will be consequences down the road. Think long term, parents. Think about how important it is for children and (later) teens to feel confident about themselves, to feel capable, to calm themselves down when they are upset, to not immediately seek external comfort in snacks or a screen. To not give up when things are hard. To be resilient. Kids these days aren’t as resilient as they used to be and it doesn’t have to be this way. Parents say “we choose our battles” but seemingly the kids are winning everything...you have to battle more often than you want for them to grow. So next time your child refuses to put on his shoes and you want to just do it for them to avoid a meltdown, think twice. Start earlier if you can. Be consistent. Set boundaries. Don’t be so quick to fill their immediate wants. And yes of course I know there are kids with special needs who need different accommodations, I have had many of these students over the years and my own with a diagnosis—this doesn’t mean your child isn’t capable at their own level. Some things may take longer for them to learn if they are capable of it, but you owe it to them to work harder with them.

I’m sure I’ll get flamed from this soapbox, this is DCUM afterall, but I’ve been thinking about writing this for a long time. I can only gently say so much in my parent teacher conferences. I say all this because I love your children. I love my students so much. I’m truly worried about how many of them are being raised. Your kids are capable! These years seem hard, and they are, but the teen years will be so much harder on them and on you if you don’t lay a good foundation for them now. Believe in them and believe in yourself.

Yes, I've been teaching high school about as long as the OP has taught preschool, and I concur with much of what she says. Yes, the teen years ARE so much harder for kids whose parents have not laid a good foundation for them. I have many students whose parents have rendered quite "young for their age", and it isn't good. In some cases it is alarming, and I hate to think of what will happen when the student is in college (next year!), though I suspect some moms will simply begin emailing college professors on their children's behalf.

Teaching your child a bit of resilience and independence would go so far.

[Anonymous]

Each and every day I ask my kid WHY he can sit through lunch and snacks at school without the need for a mid meal dance break or cat hug. It seriously drives me insane. I have tried 1 million things and short of duct tape I am not sure how to make him stay lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Each and every day I ask my kid WHY he can sit through lunch and snacks at school without the need for a mid meal dance break or cat hug. It seriously drives me insane. I have tried 1 million things and short of duct tape I am not sure how to make him stay lol

Try the duct tape and let us know what happens

[Anonymous]

You are so right op! I hired an exterminator for my DS's and his roommates house in college to catch and kill some mice! They are coming in today! But, lo and behold, roommate in a fit of being ran over by the mouse in the night chased the mouse with a tennis raquet and killed it last night! I only received around 5 phone calls per day about the mouse situation from DS. And now I have to wonder why is my ds not as skilled at handling a raquet and mouse killing as his friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Each and every day I ask my kid WHY he can sit through lunch and snacks at school without the need for a mid meal dance break or cat hug. It seriously drives me insane. I have tried 1 million things and short of duct tape I am not sure how to make him stay lol

There are these things called consequences. Try them.