DH wants less responsibility and less pay

[Anonymous]

Mental health issues at play. Address those or the overwhelmed feeling will emerge before long at the next job.

[Anonymous]

ADHD? Anxiety? Depression?

Be very clear that he needs to see his primary care doc and look at some screening tools before changing jobs *again.*

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - this was my situation several years ago. DH switched from a higher paying job that he hated to a seemingly lower stress job. I made double what he did even with his higher paying job.

You know what didn't change? His contribution to the household tasks. His stress about our finances, which got worse (e.g., "I saw you bought a Starbucks today..."). His lack of ambition.

You have to gauge whether this change would really make a difference as a net gain because you will be trading work stress for financial stress. Determine whether you can be supportive of this change and what the alternatives might be. The current situation is not sustainable for him clearly, but that is a massive pay cut at that income level.

Not OP (but someone with similar DH), I wonder how you got out of this situation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not a SAHM. I also make more than my husband. I’ve been asking him to see a counselor forever but he’s always so busy with work, he says he doesn’t have the time. He reminds me how little we have when I buy a coffee work or want to sign our kids up for a sport (currently only one is doing one sport). He’s going from $80ks to $60ks.

How does a teacher not have time to visit a counselor? He gets all kinds of holiday breaks as well as his summer off. OP your husband is full of it and a wimp. You have a lot of patience, bc I’d tell him to suck it up and keep it moving. What a chump.

I think what he really needs is to find a job around some testosterone. I’ve noticed that men who work around a bunch of women start to act and think like women. Your hubby is case and point. Make him get a job working around more men. That may help him man up.

[Anonymous]

Cut him loose.

[Anonymous]

I came to say anxiety but I see PPs have already suggested it. It sounds like he's trying to escape the stress by making changes but the stress is internally generated, which is why it comes back after a while, no matter the new setup. I think he needs a really good cognitive behavioral therapist and possibly meds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not a SAHM. I also make more than my husband. I’ve been asking him to see a counselor forever but he’s always so busy with work, he says he doesn’t have the time. He reminds me how little we have when I buy a coffee work or want to sign our kids up for a sport (currently only one is doing one sport). He’s going from $80ks to $60ks.

I went from $100K to $0K to $60K in a year.

educational positions

I'm now a PT teacher (again) and I absolutely HATE it.

Job stress is no joke. Until you step into an educator's shoes, you'll never know the stresses related to the job. I'm in therapy now. One of my colleagues (over 20 years in) received a diagnosis of PTSD!

So you can slap your husband around all you want, but no amount of therapy (trust me) will "cure" him b/c it's situational.

Develop some empathy and then report back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Works in education"

Does that mean he wants to go from being a department head or administrator back to classroom teacher? I can see that. I think that is a legitimate switch to make. Administrators make more but it is more stress and people miss the classroom and working closely with kids.

lol!

more stress? Why do you think people jump after 3 years? They can't handle the classroom.

You can't possibly be in education, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not a SAHM. I also make more than my husband. I’ve been asking him to see a counselor forever but he’s always so busy with work, he says he doesn’t have the time. He reminds me how little we have when I buy a coffee work or want to sign our kids up for a sport (currently only one is doing one sport). He’s going from $80ks to $60ks.

Have you run the numbers with him? That much of a change will be a significant decrease in your monthly cash flow. It could be $1,000 to $1,200 a month less cash or more. Can you guys afford that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not a SAHM. I also make more than my husband. I’ve been asking him to see a counselor forever but he’s always so busy with work, he says he doesn’t have the time. He reminds me how little we have when I buy a coffee work or want to sign our kids up for a sport (currently only one is doing one sport). He’s going from $80ks to $60ks.

Have you run the numbers with him? That much of a change will be a significant decrease in your monthly cash flow. It could be $1,000 to $1,200 a month less cash or more. Can you guys afford that?

Note that they’re already feeling the pressure from him quitting his 100K job for the current 80K position. Hence he gets mad at her if she ever buys a cup of coffee. This is not going to end well...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I came to say anxiety but I see PPs have already suggested it. It sounds like he's trying to escape the stress by making changes but the stress is internally generated, which is why it comes back after a while, no matter the new setup. I think he needs a really good cognitive behavioral therapist and possibly meds.

I've been in many positions in the educational field - from teacher to admin to staff developer. It's awful across the board. The number of colleagues seeking therapy or taking meds has grown.

Unfortunately, even with a career transition into an unrelated field, that anxiety will follow, as I'm sure it's become generalized.

bullying, control, lack of autonomy, no support with disciplinary issues, parents always being right . . .

What's to love?

Maybe OP does need to leave her husband b/c she will NEVER understand the pressure. It's sad however you look at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not a SAHM. I also make more than my husband. I’ve been asking him to see a counselor forever but he’s always so busy with work, he says he doesn’t have the time. He reminds me how little we have when I buy a coffee work or want to sign our kids up for a sport (currently only one is doing one sport). He’s going from $80ks to $60ks.

Have you run the numbers with him? That much of a change will be a significant decrease in your monthly cash flow. It could be $1,000 to $1,200 a month less cash or more. Can you guys afford that?

Note that they’re already feeling the pressure from him quitting his 100K job for the current 80K position. Hence he gets mad at her if she ever buys a cup of coffee. This is not going to end well...

OP wants money, money, more money...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not a SAHM. I also make more than my husband. I’ve been asking him to see a counselor forever but he’s always so busy with work, he says he doesn’t have the time. He reminds me how little we have when I buy a coffee work or want to sign our kids up for a sport (currently only one is doing one sport). He’s going from $80ks to $60ks.

Have you run the numbers with him? That much of a change will be a significant decrease in your monthly cash flow. It could be $1,000 to $1,200 a month less cash or more. Can you guys afford that?

Note that they’re already feeling the pressure from him quitting his 100K job for the current 80K position. Hence he gets mad at her if she ever buys a cup of coffee. This is not going to end well...

OP wants money, money, more money...

Mmm. It sounds like OP doesn’t want to have every $3 purchase micromanaged because the husband doesn’t want to work...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m definitely not a SAHM. I also make more than my husband. I’ve been asking him to see a counselor forever but he’s always so busy with work, he says he doesn’t have the time. He reminds me how little we have when I buy a coffee work or want to sign our kids up for a sport (currently only one is doing one sport). He’s going from $80ks to $60ks.

Have you run the numbers with him? That much of a change will be a significant decrease in your monthly cash flow. It could be $1,000 to $1,200 a month less cash or more. Can you guys afford that?

Note that they’re already feeling the pressure from him quitting his 100K job for the current 80K position. Hence he gets mad at her if she ever buys a cup of coffee. This is not going to end well...

OP wants money, money, more money...

Mmm. It sounds like OP doesn’t want to have every $3 purchase micromanaged because the husband doesn’t want to work...

The coffee poster wasn't the OP, it was a different poster who had been in a similar situation. I would be worried about a dynamic where DH works for a lower and lower salary AND doesn't pick up any slack at home. I had a depressed and unemployed spouse who did NOTHING for 9 months. That situation set up a bad dynamic for us where I was killing myself at work and taking on side gigs for extra $ and doing almost everything at home. My resentment and my spouse's passivity were relationship killers. We divorced and my ex stepped up, has tripled their salary and is the sole bread winner to an unemployed GF. Not sure what the moral of that story is except that I wish we had both addressed our underlying mental health issues instead of just stewing in dysfunction for years.

[Anonymous]

^ maybe you were holding him back somehow.