DH wants less responsibility and less pay

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe all the grief given to Op. My guess it is coming from the SAH set. If my husband was like this I wouldn’t be attracted to him. He is taking no accountability for his issues by not seeing a therapist and not going on meds. Op you let him quit and get prepared for someone who doesn’t go back to work. Personally, I went from a government job to a private sector job that was so stressful in the beginning I was having anxiety attacks. After a couple of months I got over it, but I was about to see a doctor and get a script for Klonopin.

Don’t put up with this OP, I had a parent that wouldn’t treat their mental issues. It isn’t something the rest of us are stuck dealing with based on some BS moral argument. This parent was verbally abuse and had job/money issues - we don’t speak anymore. He needs to work more and get his income back up. As for the he stays at home and you lean in arguments, better to cut him lose, get child support and do that. He’s probably holding you back in ways you aren’t even realizing with these ridiculous, immature texts during the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe all the grief given to Op. My guess it is coming from the SAH set. If my husband was like this I wouldn’t be attracted to him. He is taking no accountability for his issues by not seeing a therapist and not going on meds. Op you let him quit and get prepared for someone who doesn’t go back to work. Personally, I went from a government job to a private sector job that was so stressful in the beginning I was having anxiety attacks. After a couple of months I got over it, but I was about to see a doctor and get a script for Klonopin.

Don’t put up with this OP, I had a parent that wouldn’t treat their mental issues. It isn’t something the rest of us are stuck dealing with based on some BS moral argument. This parent was verbally abuse and had job/money issues - we don’t speak anymore. He needs to work more and get his income back up. As for the he stays at home and you lean in arguments, better to cut him lose, get child support and do that. He’s probably holding you back in ways you aren’t even realizing with these ridiculous, immature texts during the day.

Wait, what’s your point? That you’re a hero for taking a job that forced you to take benzos? I mean, if you’re defending that, that’s just the saddest thing I’ve ever read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm PP here. I'd probably try couples therapy. Discuss how
stressful all of the job changes are to the marriage. If
the therapist is good he/she will probably suggest someone
your husband can see to try a med.

Signed....woman who does not believe in psych meds

PS. I've been with the same boyfriend now for 12 years. He is
on job #2 in 12 years. My ex husband would have been on job 9 or 10 in a 12 year period.

I learned that having a man work a stable job is huge
in a relationship.

What does this even mean? Do adults really walk around saying or believing this?

[Anonymous]

OP are you sure you want to stay married to this guy?

[Anonymous]

I highly recommend you all go to a marriage counselor so he can have a safe place to vent. It’s less about you and more about him, and you all do need a space to get on the same page. Insist on it. It will help his and your mental health.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think the people giving you a hard time didn’t really read your post, they just saw the title and skimmed the text.

It sounds like you’ve always been the one to give in your relationship and you’ve depleted your reserves. It’s okay to take care of yourself, it’s okay to have needs.Your DH is not shy about making his wants known to you, it’s time that you speak up too. This dynamic where you give and he takes is not sustainable forever. It’s probably best to go to marriage counseling to try to work things out. (He should also seek individual therapy for his anxiety/stress.)

I just wanted to say you sound like a very kind person and a very supportive person. After all, you already supported your husband through a recent job change and big paycut! It’s okay to have needs too. Your mental health, stress and well being matter. You matter. You need to take care of yourself, not for your own sake but for your children too.

[Anonymous]

If he's really struggling with anxiety, he could take FMLA and do a partial-hospitalization day program. That might sound extreme, but I see too many people who are limping along for years just barely managing their symptoms. Better to take some time and really work on the issue. OP, in your situation, I would be supportive and flexible about what DH does for work, but I would be really insistent that he gets treatment-and if he is too overwhelmed to go to a weekly appointment, maybe he should take time off and do a more intensive program.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I think the people giving you a hard time didn’t really read your post, they just saw the title and skimmed the text.

It sounds like you’ve always been the one to give in your relationship and you’ve depleted your reserves. It’s okay to take care of yourself, it’s okay to have needs.Your DH is not shy about making his wants known to you, it’s time that you speak up too. This dynamic where you give and he takes is not sustainable forever. It’s probably best to go to marriage counseling to try to work things out. (He should also seek individual therapy for his anxiety/stress.)

I just wanted to say you sound like a very kind person and a very supportive person. After all, you already supported your husband through a recent job change and big paycut! It’s okay to have needs too. Your mental health, stress and well being matter. You matter. You need to take care of yourself, not for your own sake but for your children too.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Since divorce has been brought up, I would consider that option. I don’t think your husband would make a good stay at home parent and if he goes down that path you’ll essentially be a single mom with extra burdens.

Some of you are bat S@$% insane. The lady asked about her husband cutting his pay and you are saying DIVORCE him??

[Anonymous]

Divorce is not always the answer for every problem DCUrb! I am the PP with similar DH.
OP, ask your husband to seek help before changing jobs again because he might be the problem. Make that the condition for him to change job: he seeks help and if after that he still want to change job, then so be it, at least he will have some tools to deal with anxiety in his next job. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

"Works in education"

Does that mean he wants to go from being a department head or administrator back to classroom teacher? I can see that. I think that is a legitimate switch to make. Administrators make more but it is more stress and people miss the classroom and working closely with kids.

[Anonymous]

OP - this was my situation several years ago. DH switched from a higher paying job that he hated to a seemingly lower stress job. I made double what he did even with his higher paying job.

You know what didn't change? His contribution to the household tasks. His stress about our finances, which got worse (e.g., "I saw you bought a Starbucks today..."). His lack of ambition.

You have to gauge whether this change would really make a difference as a net gain because you will be trading work stress for financial stress. Determine whether you can be supportive of this change and what the alternatives might be. The current situation is not sustainable for him clearly, but that is a massive pay cut at that income level.

[Anonymous]

He sounds either very depressed or just not very ambitious OP. Bummer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe all the grief given to Op. My guess it is coming from the SAH set. If my husband was like this I wouldn’t be attracted to him. He is taking no accountability for his issues by not seeing a therapist and not going on meds. Op you let him quit and get prepared for someone who doesn’t go back to work. Personally, I went from a government job to a private sector job that was so stressful in the beginning I was having anxiety attacks. After a couple of months I got over it, but I was about to see a doctor and get a script for Klonopin.

Don’t put up with this OP, I had a parent that wouldn’t treat their mental issues. It isn’t something the rest of us are stuck dealing with based on some BS moral argument. This parent was verbally abuse and had job/money issues - we don’t speak anymore. He needs to work more and get his income back up. As for the he stays at home and you lean in arguments, better to cut him lose, get child support and do that. He’s probably holding you back in ways you aren’t even realizing with these ridiculous, immature texts during the day.

You have to give SAHM credit though, they can’t opt out of working and not consider it an option for DHs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He sounds either very depressed or just not very ambitious OP. Bummer.

So a DH who isn’t ambitious is such a disappointment? Why can’t he just have a job that works for him.