What didn't you understand until you were a parent and now you do
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Anonymous
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1) How all-consuming children are. Their needs are absolute and trump everything else.
2) How much you lose your autonomy. I mean, yes, duh. But you can't really grasp, until you have kids, that basically you will not be able to take a shower without making sure someone else is on duty for the first few years... that you will not be able to just run out to the supermarket or for a quick drink with a friend without negotiating with our spouse or getting a sitter or deciding if it's worth waking a sleeping child for, like... ten whole years. You can't decide to just up and move to your favorite city or take a long vacation or go white water rafting... suddenly your whole life, your every waking moment, is hostage to the child's needs. 3) How much it will strain your marriage. Suddenly you and your spouse are competing for free time/time to work/time to exercise/time for a social life/time to sleep. And small inequities in household chores and child care become so magnified. 4) On the plus side... how much laughter and joy they bring. I have been a single mother for much of my two children's lives (see #3: strain on marriage) and although it has been really f*ing hard, my children are my favorite people in the world, and I would not have traded being their mother for anything in the world. They will be off to college soon and I already miss them. |
Anonymous
| How much of who they are has nothing to do with parenting. I truly believed in the singular importance of cultural and environment influences. Now I see how much is in-born. It’s so interesting to see kids I’ve known since they were babies and how the essence of their personalities has remained the same despite disparate life experiences |
Anonymous
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And/but.... there is DEFINITELY better and worse parenting. And worse parenting makes a big difference, in a bad way. Not saying that innate temperament isn't powerful, but parenting that is extremely inconsistent, or excessively permissive, or excessively authoritarian does tend to produce messed-up kids.
I now think it's insane that you can't get a drivers license without passing a test but anyone can have a child. Would mandatory parenting classes be so terrible? It breaks my heart to see children being f*ed up by their idiot parents. I know, some things cannot be taught, but some things can... |
Anonymous
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How having kids opens up whole new worlds you otherwise never would have discovered, and let’s you See things you thought you knew through an entirely different lens - and how much fun it is to do so for these little people you live.
Never thought I’d happily learn how to judge diving meets, or be so genuinely excited to watch a little boy (not even my own little boy) score his first basket after four years on the team. Or that I’d become a connoisseur of East Coast roller coasters, eagerly anticipate the release of the next Percy Jackson book, and cry out excitedly when the metro Is visible from the highway. |
Anonymous
I laughed out loud. I know so freaking much about dinosaurs. So so much. |
Anonymous
| That it is rarely the parent’s fault when a child is difficult and also vice versa - if your child is highly successful, it’s due to who they are and innate abilities. |
Anonymous
| That the parents of your children's friends will become your friends. |
Anonymous
| How damn exhausting it is. |
Anonymous
| That it was a mistake to have children. I resent my son. |
Anonymous
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That you really, really need to have a very detailed conversation with your spouse about child care responsibilities and household chores *before* the baby is born. If you just assume it will all work itself out, odds are you will slip into a highly gendered division of labor and at least one of you will be very resentful.
Questions to discuss before the baby comes: who gets up in the middle of the night? who gets up early in the morning? who takes time off from work? how much time? who's in charge on weekends? how much are you willing to let in-laws/grandparents visit/help? do you agree re breast versus bottle? cloth versus disposable diapers? what's your infant sleep philosophy? do you agree about the value of day care versus nannies etc? where will you live? will you both work long-term? and so on ignore these at our peril. |
Anonymous
| 19:22 that's true but we don't always know those answers before the baby is born. And they can change over time. |
Anonymous
We are friends with a couple that has no children and it is unbelievable how leisurely their weekends are. And they will be able to retire early and have even more leisure time. |
Anonymous
true but... if you don't set a pattern of openly communicating about all this before the baby comes, it's very hard to change the early patterns that emerge. |
Anonymous
To do what, exactly? Read more books, watch more movies? Gimme a break. Raising children into adults is much more worthwhile. |
Anonymous
Hahahaha best answer ever |