Parents of teens-what (if anything)would you have done different during the elementary school years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid who it's now clear has some learning challenges but they are mild enough that he muddled through ES as an average student. In retrospect, I would have had him tested earlier (I finally did it after 7th grade). Public schools are not going to tell you your kid has a problem (in fact my kids' fourth grade teacher said "DS does not have a learning difference" when I suggested there could be an underlying issue causing him not to work as independently as was expected) She was wrong. Trust your instinct, if you think something is just a little off. . . it probably is. The information you can learn from a full evaluation can be helpful.

This. Teachers are poorly trained or many can't put in the effort to identify learning challenges.

Looking back, DD struggled greatly with executive functioning. I remember conferences in 4th and 5th grade and me talking about her struggles and given the shrugged shoulders from her teachers as she got good grades. She was tested in 6th grade (low quality report) and 8th grade when she was spending 4-6 hours on homework every night.

We aren’t diagnosticians or doctors and we can get in serious legal jeopardy including losing our license if we attempt to tell a parent their kid has XYZ learning disability or medical issue and should treat. Please don’t call us poorly trained for following the boundaries of our job and the law. We often know when kids have something going in but we can’t just tell the parent “your kid has ADHD, medicate him.”

In our experience, the teachers had no idea that DD struggled so much and when I brought up examples, they had no idea how to help her. No teacher ever brought up getting a neuropsych evaluation. I learned about such a thing on line when I spent time researching why she was struggling.

I know teachers can't diagnosis anything, but they can certainly guide parents to professionals who can. Teachers can certainly tell parents Lara is not handing in assignments, can't find them, makes careless errors, etc and refer them to a child study. In the least, they should work within the classroom to teach organization and study strategies like my daughter desperately needed. None of that happened.

Looking back, I saw executive functioning challenges as early as first grade but blew it off as all her teachers said she was doing fine.

In our experience, teachers were poorly trained to identify a smart, but struggling student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:would have sent my kid to the neighborhood elementary instead of private. no idea if academics were actually any better and even if they were we missed having friends in the neighborhood which ay have been more important

Ugh, I wonder about this too. We moved our kid, an only, to private after a few years in public, where she knew tons of neighborhood kids and we knew the families. She’s happy enough in private, but doesn't see friends much outside of school since they’re spread all over. She’s doing great and learning a second language like a native, but we may decide to put her back in public with her neighborhood friends for middle school..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:would have sent my kid to the neighborhood elementary instead of private. no idea if academics were actually any better and even if they were we missed having friends in the neighborhood which ay have been more important

Ugh, I wonder about this too. We moved our kid, an only, to private after a few years in public, where she knew tons of neighborhood kids and we knew the families. She’s happy enough in private, but doesn't see friends much outside of school since they’re spread all over. She’s doing great and learning a second language like a native, but we may decide to put her back in public with her neighborhood friends for middle school..

I posted earlier, but will chime in here to say one of the best decisions we made was to forgo our highly rated public schools and opt for private. Yes, friends are spread out more than if she had gone to public school, but it really hasn’t been an issue with sports and clubs. I have an extreme extrovert for whom there is never enough social time and a smaller number of local friends has not been an issue at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t have worried about elementary school *at all*
It took me years to figure out to push back on homework. I would have done that a lot sooner if I had it to do over.
I would have started private lessons in her sport a lot earlier. Now a senior in HS and still playing and loving it.

What age did you start private’s, and what age do you wish you had started?

Started private lessons in 6th grade. She started playing during a summer camp before 5th grade and asked to continue after the camp was over. I found group lessons in parktakes and then switched to another group lesson source and finally bit the bullet in 6th grade for private lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wish that we had gotten them involved in baseball earlier than we did. I think that is my one true regret.

how early?

With any sport, you realize by middle school that the best players have been practicing since they were toddlers. Coming late to a popular sport can be terribly frustrating for a kid.

[Anonymous]

I would have gone Montessori -

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Anything? Been stricter? More relaxed? Emphasized academics more? Gone on more vacations? Done more or less activities? Any regrets? Anything you did well that you are happy you did?

I wish I had separated my younger DD from her toxic best frenemy. It really made the end of 4th and all of 5th so much harder than it needed to be. Beware of the low key mean girls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid who it's now clear has some learning challenges but they are mild enough that he muddled through ES as an average student. In retrospect, I would have had him tested earlier (I finally did it after 7th grade). Public schools are not going to tell you your kid has a problem (in fact my kids' fourth grade teacher said "DS does not have a learning difference" when I suggested there could be an underlying issue causing him not to work as independently as was expected) She was wrong. Trust your instinct, if you think something is just a little off. . . it probably is. The information you can learn from a full evaluation can be helpful.

This. Teachers are poorly trained or many can't put in the effort to identify learning challenges.

Looking back, DD struggled greatly with executive functioning. I remember conferences in 4th and 5th grade and me talking about her struggles and given the shrugged shoulders from her teachers as she got good grades. She was tested in 6th grade (low quality report) and 8th grade when she was spending 4-6 hours on homework every night.

We aren’t diagnosticians or doctors and we can get in serious legal jeopardy including losing our license if we attempt to tell a parent their kid has XYZ learning disability or medical issue and should treat. Please don’t call us poorly trained for following the boundaries of our job and the law. We often know when kids have something going in but we can’t just tell the parent “your kid has ADHD, medicate him.”

There is no legal impediment to telling a parent that their child is struggling in school and an evaluation may be warranted. In fact that is your job.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that would have done different is that I would not have allowed my daughter to become an elite level athlete. It changed our family from one that was lots of fun to one that just constantly catered to a crazy practice schedule, expensive travel, private coaching and constant competitions. And there really isn’t an end game for most kids. I’m not saying we lost our ability to be fun but we had far less time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid who it's now clear has some learning challenges but they are mild enough that he muddled through ES as an average student. In retrospect, I would have had him tested earlier (I finally did it after 7th grade). Public schools are not going to tell you your kid has a problem (in fact my kids' fourth grade teacher said "DS does not have a learning difference" when I suggested there could be an underlying issue causing him not to work as independently as was expected) She was wrong. Trust your instinct, if you think something is just a little off. . . it probably is. The information you can learn from a full evaluation can be helpful.

This. Teachers are poorly trained or many can't put in the effort to identify learning challenges.

Looking back, DD struggled greatly with executive functioning. I remember conferences in 4th and 5th grade and me talking about her struggles and given the shrugged shoulders from her teachers as she got good grades. She was tested in 6th grade (low quality report) and 8th grade when she was spending 4-6 hours on homework every night.

We aren’t diagnosticians or doctors and we can get in serious legal jeopardy including losing our license if we attempt to tell a parent their kid has XYZ learning disability or medical issue and should treat. Please don’t call us poorly trained for following the boundaries of our job and the law. We often know when kids have something going in but we can’t just tell the parent “your kid has ADHD, medicate him.”

In our experience, the teachers had no idea that DD struggled so much and when I brought up examples, they had no idea how to help her. No teacher ever brought up getting a neuropsych evaluation. I learned about such a thing on line when I spent time researching why she was struggling.

I know teachers can't diagnosis anything, but they can certainly guide parents to professionals who can. Teachers can certainly tell parents Lara is not handing in assignments, can't find them, makes careless errors, etc and refer them to a child study. In the least, they should work within the classroom to teach organization and study strategies like my daughter desperately needed. None of that happened.

Looking back, I saw executive functioning challenges as early as first grade but blew it off as all her teachers said she was doing fine.

In our experience, teachers were poorly trained to identify a smart, but struggling student.

There’s just so much pushback on this though. I’m really meticulous about documenting these issues because I taught previously in a school with very litigious parents and our RTSE was absolutely paranoid about being sued. Most parents were not receptive to being told their child was making careless errors, requiring extra assistance with organization or transitions, and not turning in work. Some dismissed my concerns as overreaction. Others claimed these issues were might fault. One mother wrote a two page email over my using the word “a” over “the” in an assignment. Never mind that the wording came directly from the County and thousands of other children weren’t too stymied by “a” to complete the assignment.

I still let parents know, but it’s very rare that a kid has executive functioning issues ONLY in school. Both my kids have ADHD and anxiety. They actually struggled more at home than at school. So if your DC is always losing things at home, failing to complete chores and personal grooming tasks, or making careless mistakes there, you can take those concerns to your pediatrician. He or she will give you forms to give the school. You can also self-request the school screen if you don’t trust your pediatrician.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for all the feedback. I have two elementary age kids and was thinking of my own regrets when they were younger and decided to post this thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have one kid who it's now clear has some learning challenges but they are mild enough that he muddled through ES as an average student. In retrospect, I would have had him tested earlier (I finally did it after 7th grade). Public schools are not going to tell you your kid has a problem (in fact my kids' fourth grade teacher said "DS does not have a learning difference" when I suggested there could be an underlying issue causing him not to work as independently as was expected) She was wrong. Trust your instinct, if you think something is just a little off. . . it probably is. The information you can learn from a full evaluation can be helpful.

This. Teachers are poorly trained or many can't put in the effort to identify learning challenges.

Looking back, DD struggled greatly with executive functioning. I remember conferences in 4th and 5th grade and me talking about her struggles and given the shrugged shoulders from her teachers as she got good grades. She was tested in 6th grade (low quality report) and 8th grade when she was spending 4-6 hours on homework every night.

We aren’t diagnosticians or doctors and we can get in serious legal jeopardy including losing our license if we attempt to tell a parent their kid has XYZ learning disability or medical issue and should treat. Please don’t call us poorly trained for following the boundaries of our job and the law. We often know when kids have something going in but we can’t just tell the parent “your kid has ADHD, medicate him.”

But there’s a pretty big difference between “I am not a professional diagnostician. If you are concerned please go see someone for their input” and “Your child does not have a learning difference”. The second is in effect diagnosing and led to intervention not starting until later. If this is what the schools are counseling teachers to say, they definitely need to come up with a better official response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Made them do more chores with increasing responsibility as they got older.

I did this and they were willing and happy to do chores. When they become teens everything flies out of the window and they are difficult for a few years.

[Anonymous]

I am happy where they are in terms of academics, sports and EC activities. We exposed them to many things and they basically picked one or two that they liked and stuck with. You can bring a horse to water...and all that.

I wish I had taught them my native language. This one is on me and the only thing I regret.

[Anonymous]

Limit extracurriculars to what is truly valuable and add more household chores.
I hear a lot about screens- I bought my DS a phone at the end of 6th grade because that is how the kids at his school communicate. He was being left out of everything and I didn't feel like I could give him a lot of freedom of movement because he had no way of contacting me. iPhones can be put on downtime- allow only texting and calling during certain periods or simply turn it off from your phone.
The worst, is out of my control-- school iPads (aka the most misguided educational trend of the 21st century).