Anxious about childcare - nanny or daycare or?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think anyone suggested this -- what about a live-in au pair? If you have a spare bedroom/bathroom.

Also, just because you work from home, doesn't mean you have to stay home. You could go work from coffee shop or coworking space.

For activities, every community has a library. Maybe you can find otger moms and put together a play group.

I am a day care parent and I love it. Our day care (here in DC) is awesome. I have no idea how they will be in your area. You should visit them.

Are there coworking spaces near op’s rural home, though?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People should give OP a break. Yes she is anxious but she’s from another culture where daycares aren’t used.

OP, care.com is not that hard to use. I usually do a manual search in addition to posting a job and write to the ones that seem promising. We do paper screen (ask for CV and have them answer a few questions), phone interview, in person, and if all that goes well check references and working interview of 1-2 weeks where I am home. I think it is fine to not want to trust your kid with a random person. But we have used nannies and preschool for under age 3, which is when I think they are fairly vulnerable/ less verbal. You just do your due diligence and that is it.

As for the people who are saying day care is usually fine, tragedies happen. A baby was killed by a worker at a daycare in town last year. Extremely sad. I think the worker had other life stress and took it out on baby. That is why I personally want to meet and vet the people who are caring for my child. I would not leave it to another person (agency, director). It’s a high burnout job and requires a certain combination of maturity, positive energy, and mental stability.

Are you suggesting that tragedies don't happen with nanny care? One reassurance with day care is that there is always more than one caregiver on site.

No, of course they do. However with a large daycare I assume you wouldn’t spend as much time checking in with the caregivers assigned to your specific child and it might be harder to have a sense of what was happening in their lives. With my nannies I do chat with them and get to know them. If something is happening in their lives I usually know about it. Some I have gotten to know very well and we are still friends. I wouldn’t say that is true of my kids’ preschool teachers. Different dynamic.

As for the tragedy above, it happened in the nap room and the caregiver was alone with two babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People should give OP a break. Yes she is anxious but she’s from another culture where daycares aren’t used.

OP, care.com is not that hard to use. I usually do a manual search in addition to posting a job and write to the ones that seem promising. We do paper screen (ask for CV and have them answer a few questions), phone interview, in person, and if all that goes well check references and working interview of 1-2 weeks where I am home. I think it is fine to not want to trust your kid with a random person. But we have used nannies and preschool for under age 3, which is when I think they are fairly vulnerable/ less verbal. You just do your due diligence and that is it.

As for the people who are saying day care is usually fine, tragedies happen. A baby was killed by a worker at a daycare in town last year. Extremely sad. I think the worker had other life stress and took it out on baby. That is why I personally want to meet and vet the people who are caring for my child. I would not leave it to another person (agency, director). It’s a high burnout job and requires a certain combination of maturity, positive energy, and mental stability.

Are you suggesting that tragedies don't happen with nanny care? One reassurance with day care is that there is always more than one caregiver on site.

No, of course they do. However with a large daycare I assume you wouldn’t spend as much time checking in with the caregivers assigned to your specific child and it might be harder to have a sense of what was happening in their lives. With my nannies I do chat with them and get to know them. If something is happening in their lives I usually know about it. Some I have gotten to know very well and we are still friends. I wouldn’t say that is true of my kids’ preschool teachers. Different dynamic.

As for the tragedy above, it happened in the nap room and the caregiver was alone with two babies.

The same two caregivers have been at our inhome for over 10 years and we always chat. There are cameras, too, and inspections.

[Anonymous]

OP here responding at 2 am because I probably do need some help because I’m just awake not knowing what to do. We’re first time parents and both husband and I have our own concerns and issues about childcare. For me it’s the daycare for him it’s the driving and for both it’s this move that on paper should be awesome but it’s so unknown and we don’t know what we’re doing. Yes probably sahp would solve it all but who gives up a good salary wfm position with good hours and benefits? We moved for this lifestyle balance but I can’t get my shit together with childcare. I’ll sort through care.com and we have tours. Yes the wfm doesn’t have to be in home, that’s how I made my telework days work in the apt. It’s the worry that good nannies won’t want this position, that there aren’t any, that it’s off a site not via recommendation. Anyway I’m blabbering but I’ll just lie here because I can’t get myself to do research right now. I’ll take extra days off.

[Anonymous]

OP again and my mom doesn’t support the move she’s far either way and she’ll just offer the negatives of each I guess. If anything happens it’s on me of course, so I need the safest option for our son.

[Anonymous]

Plenty of kids are safe in day cares. Reputables, liscenced day cares require two adults with kids in the room at all times. The day care and after school programs I visit have the adult who is taking kids to the bath room wait outside the bathroom door, checking in through the door.

We took tours of each place we were visiting. One we rejected because we saw only one adult in the room with infants, the explination was that the other worked was out sick and the receptionist was helping during the day. I know that is a violation and I did not believe for a second that the receptionist was filling in because she was giving us the tour. The rooms seemed small and a bit crowded. The kids seemed happy though.

The one we choose had a good vibe, the ratios were spot on and the lead. teachers all had a good number of years in the program. It felt good.

There is always a chance that something changes and things go wrong, that is why youlisten to your kid. One friend had a kid who suddenly hated going to day care and cried every day. He was telling me about it at work. I suggested changing day cares because that sounded off. A month later the teachers in another class were arrested for negligance. While it wasn’t his kids class, whatever allowed the negligance in the other class permeiated the building and his kid wasn’t happy. They changed day cares and his son was back to his normal self. No more tears or saddness.

So check on your kid and if they seem to be off, drop in the day care and see what is happening. A fair number have cameras so that you can watch or check in, look for one of those.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night when I was 8 months pregnant crying about day care because I wanted to raise our child and not day care, my job was relocating me 45 minutes further from our house. It was awful thinking that was another 90 minutes not with my soon to be born baby. Hormones suck.... Any way, I was able to change companies and stay in the same position so that didn’t happen. But the anxiety was real. I get it.

Day care can be alot of fun. DS would tell me to go back to the gym and exercise more he was in the middle of a game or an art project or a book and he didn’t want to go home. He has friends from Day Care that we still see and hang out with. He started writing and reading there. It was a good experience. Take your time and look for one yu are comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am the nanny who posted upthread. If you post an email I can talk you through how to hire online and what to look for in quality daycares.

[Anonymous]

I know it's incredibly unpopular, but why don't one of you take time away from work when your kid(s) are little, or stagger your work schedules so that you won't need full-time care. I took time off to be a full-time caregiver for my kids were little and went back to work when they were older. I can only assume that "rural" means lower cost of living, so you have an opportunity to save a lot of money on childcare too. Again, I know it's unpopular, but I would never have sent my kids to daycare. I share your husband's opinion. To me, it's just kid jail, no matter how "good" or well managed it is. Kids need to be out in the world, with a loving adult, not in a primary colored penitentiary.

[Anonymous]

OP please seek help for your anxiety. You are going through so much life change right now, are under a lot of stress, and you don't have to brave it alone. Also, maybe your mother isn't the best person to bounce ideas off of. She might be making it worse?

[Anonymous]

we went from a small home daycare to a center and it was the best move for us. I didn't think i'd like a center, but we chose a really great one. we went with one several of our neighbors used and had a solid reputation. it is naeyc accredited, which to me is a good indicator of the center's standards. i also think low teacher turnover is another good sign.

personally i was never comfortable with a nanny. there's no accountability -- unless you get a nanny cam, and that's not my style. you can luck out and get someone awesome -- my sister did. too much of a gamble for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Plenty of kids are safe in day cares. Reputables, liscenced day cares require two adults with kids in the room at all times. The day care and after school programs I visit have the adult who is taking kids to the bath room wait outside the bathroom door, checking in through the door.

We took tours of each place we were visiting. One we rejected because we saw only one adult in the room with infants, the explination was that the other worked was out sick and the receptionist was helping during the day. I know that is a violation and I did not believe for a second that the receptionist was filling in because she was giving us the tour. The rooms seemed small and a bit crowded. The kids seemed happy though.

The one we choose had a good vibe, the ratios were spot on and the lead. teachers all had a good number of years in the program. It felt good.

There is always a chance that something changes and things go wrong, that is why youlisten to your kid. One friend had a kid who suddenly hated going to day care and cried every day. He was telling me about it at work. I suggested changing day cares because that sounded off. A month later the teachers in another class were arrested for negligance. While it wasn’t his kids class, whatever allowed the negligance in the other class permeiated the building and his kid wasn’t happy. They changed day cares and his son was back to his normal self. No more tears or saddness.

So check on your kid and if they seem to be off, drop in the day care and see what is happening. A fair number have cameras so that you can watch or check in, look for one of those.

I remember waking up in the middle of the night when I was 8 months pregnant crying about day care because I wanted to raise our child and not day care, my job was relocating me 45 minutes further from our house. It was awful thinking that was another 90 minutes not with my soon to be born baby. Hormones suck.... Any way, I was able to change companies and stay in the same position so that didn’t happen. But the anxiety was real. I get it.

Day care can be alot of fun. DS would tell me to go back to the gym and exercise more he was in the middle of a game or an art project or a book and he didn’t want to go home. He has friends from Day Care that we still see and hang out with. He started writing and reading there. It was a good experience. Take your time and look for one yu are comfortable with.

With our daycare, we had cameras, did shorter days for the first couple months and eased in with different pickup and drop off times (I went back part time at first), etc. Ours has always been kept in a small group with two other kids the same age that started together, and we chat with the other parents (one of the kids also had an older sibling who went through) and compare notes.

[Anonymous]

Things can go badly, and things can go well, with either type of child care. As you're finding, there are pros and cons of each situation, and nothing is going to be perfect in every aspect.

I think you just have to interview nannies, tour facilities, and in the end you'll go with your gut. It may take time, but something will eventually feel warm and comfortable enough to outweigh the logistical negatives.

But honestly, OP, I think your absolute, very first step should be finding a good therapist in your new area. That will help more than anything to ease the transition for you, and allow you to evaluate your child care options more objectively.