My son is ruining my life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you know that there is a history of mental illness in your family, why did you choose to have your son? I say this as someone with a schizophrenic grandmother and maternal uncle, and therefore I am choosing to be childfree by choice. It's not just about your son suffering from depression, but also the potential harm he could cause others due to an inability to deal with his condition. I know Americans think they can medicate everything, but mental illness is not the same as a physical illness. It's lifelong and you should know that.

If all members of families with depression, anxiety or other mental health concerns in their history stopped having children, it would drastically reduce the population! Are you seriously blaming for having her son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you know that there is a history of mental illness in your family, why did you choose to have your son? I say this as someone with a schizophrenic grandmother and maternal uncle, and therefore I am choosing to be childfree by choice. It's not just about your son suffering from depression, but also the potential harm he could cause others due to an inability to deal with his condition. I know Americans think they can medicate everything, but mental illness is not the same as a physical illness. It's lifelong and you should know that.

Get off your high horse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Military school great idea. Do it now while you still have power (he’s a minor) o

Every kid I know that went to military school did far worse things while they were there and came out more f’d than went they went in.

[Anonymous]

Look into DBT therapy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our 13 yr old DS is pretty great. But, he hasn't hit puberty yet. I have no idea what he will be like once those hormones kick in. We have told him that if he ever becomes too much for us to handle (ie, drugs, acting out, etc..) we would send him to military school. We are not a military family in the sense that DH was in the military (my brother was in the National Guard), but we told him that we love him too much to let him fail at life and/or end up in jail. So, military school it will be.

I see it like rehab - if your kid has a problem and can't seem to get himself in order, he needs help, probably more than you can handle right now, especially since your husband has checked out (and might I add, he's a jerk and a loser of a father for doing so.. sorry).

Did you actually tell your pre-teen that threat?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I have a difficult teen as well. Every day seems to drag on, and I’m so tired. No advice, just commissiration.

What kinds of things are you doing ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our 13 yr old DS is pretty great. But, he hasn't hit puberty yet. I have no idea what he will be like once those hormones kick in. We have told him that if he ever becomes too much for us to handle (ie, drugs, acting out, etc..) we would send him to military school. We are not a military family in the sense that DH was in the military (my brother was in the National Guard), but we told him that we love him too much to let him fail at life and/or end up in jail. So, military school it will be.

I see it like rehab - if your kid has a problem and can't seem to get himself in order, he needs help, probably more than you can handle right now, especially since your husband has checked out (and might I add, he's a jerk and a loser of a father for doing so.. sorry).

Did you actually tell your pre-teen that threat?

Yes. And? Is it any different than telling your kid that if they do something illegal, like deal drugs, they will go to jail? The kid is 13 not 5. I'd rather my kid go to military school to straighten him out than to jail. Do you sugarcoat life for your teens?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. I have a difficult teen as well. Every day seems to drag on, and I’m so tired. No advice, just commissiration.

What kinds of things are you doing ?

How do you cope?

[Anonymous]

My nephew was much like your description, only worse (cutting, serious drugs). He has turned out to be a pretty nice adult who still struggles with alcohol at times. He is a laborer but self supporting. He looks after his aging parents and cares for his daughter. The "good son" doesn't come around.

[Anonymous]

We sent our rebellious daughter to boarding school for a year when she was a sophomore in high school. She wanted to go. She came home a changed kid, making good grades, reasonably polite, college graduate, married with kids of her own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just want to say that I’m rooting for you and your family and hoping for a better way forward. Of course you’re feeling depressed right now; it’s a natural response to having your boundaries pushed and feeling like you can’t control it. You’re on the receiving end from both your spouse and one of your children.

Thank you.

+1

OP, you are not alone. I am just sitting here thinking the same about DD, who has been like this since I remember. We were inseparable when DD was small, really enjoyed each other, then at about age 8, she turned on me, blood streaming down my face. DH literally sat next to DD and acted like it didn't happen - no reaction - nothing. It was surreal and awful. Turns out, DH grew up in a really volatile family that turned against him regularly, and DH is accustomed to triangulating, and was just glad to see someone else on the receiving end. Really effed up stuff.

I had to learn about it the hard way I never knew families did this kind of thing, or lived under one roof in hostility. My family wasn't perfect, but we didn't treat each other like crap. Now that DD is a teen, I can't see the situation getting any better. I am getting outside intervention, because it is too much for me (for anyone, really) to handle. I didn't ask for this, neither did you. It is difficult, when you have done everything you possibly can, you have always been there for them, no matter what, and you get abuse in return. It is a messed up way to live, and I won't let it happen, nor should you. I am thinking that your DH probably saw his own dad leave the family often, so that is all he knows. I had to learn the hard way that this is the case in DH's family. My DH is like your DH. It is extremely difficult. I am grateful for the helpful PPs.

Please let us know what happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We sent our rebellious daughter to boarding school for a year when she was a sophomore in high school. She wanted to go. She came home a changed kid, making good grades, reasonably polite, college graduate, married with kids of her own.

Therapeutic? Or regular?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, just want to say that I’m rooting for you and your family and hoping for a better way forward. Of course you’re feeling depressed right now; it’s a natural response to having your boundaries pushed and feeling like you can’t control it. You’re on the receiving end from both your spouse and one of your children.

Thank you.

+1

OP, you are not alone. I am just sitting here thinking the same about DD, who has been like this since I remember. We were inseparable when DD was small, really enjoyed each other, then at about age 8, she turned on me, blood streaming down my face. DH literally sat next to DD and acted like it didn't happen - no reaction - nothing. It was surreal and awful. Turns out, DH grew up in a really volatile family that turned against him regularly, and DH is accustomed to triangulating, and was just glad to see someone else on the receiving end. Really effed up stuff.

I had to learn about it the hard way I never knew families did this kind of thing, or lived under one roof in hostility. My family wasn't perfect, but we didn't treat each other like crap. Now that DD is a teen, I can't see the situation getting any better. I am getting outside intervention, because it is too much for me (for anyone, really) to handle. I didn't ask for this, neither did you. It is difficult, when you have done everything you possibly can, you have always been there for them, no matter what, and you get abuse in return. It is a messed up way to live, and I won't let it happen, nor should you. I am thinking that your DH probably saw his own dad leave the family often, so that is all he knows. I had to learn the hard way that this is the case in DH's family. My DH is like your DH. It is extremely difficult. I am grateful for the helpful PPs.

Please let us know what happens.

Thank you. I’m the one with the absent father so I guess I didn’t expect differently with my husband. I’m also the one with a messed up family so I think he blames me for all of this. What interventions are you pursuing? Thank you!!