Is admiring the vibe of private students a shallow motivation for sending our children to private?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The white privilege never ceases.

Have fun in probation.

[Anonymous]

I went to top private schools, and was socially anxious and introverted.

The children you admire are more extroverted. Those traits are desired to an insane level in this country, and thus singled out and nurtured in private school.

[Anonymous]

I went to public school in southern VA with plenty of kids who had those qualities. It had everything to do with their families belonging to the same country club and nothing to do with which school they attended.

[Anonymous]

I can sometimes spot the ones who went to private school among my colleagues. I agree with a PP who said it’s entitlement. Yes, it’s confidence but it’s also really a surfeit of confidence — like wow, you’re saying something really banal but seem really convinced you’re insightful. YMMV.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was in college 15 years ago at an Ivy, it was fairly obvious who the private school kids were and who the public school kids were (and for the record, I was a public school kid).

And private school was not just a proxy for wealth. I am from California and went to one of the richest public schools in the country, in an area where there simply were no private schools, and I was still easily identifiable as a public school kid.

I don't know that the private school kids were necessarily "cooler". But it does affect a child's development to be in a class of 100 (like most private schools) versus a class of 500+ (most publics).

At my Ivy the private school kids were indeed more polished. Scratch below the surface and come to find they did way more drugs and the boys were kinda rapey, and the girls tended to have eating disorders. But they did dress nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in college 15 years ago at an Ivy, it was fairly obvious who the private school kids were and who the public school kids were (and for the record, I was a public school kid).

And private school was not just a proxy for wealth. I am from California and went to one of the richest public schools in the country, in an area where there simply were no private schools, and I was still easily identifiable as a public school kid.

I don't know that the private school kids were necessarily "cooler". But it does affect a child's development to be in a class of 100 (like most private schools) versus a class of 500+ (most publics).

At my Ivy the private school kids were indeed more polished. Scratch below the surface and come to find they did way more drugs and the boys were kinda rapey, and the girls tended to have eating disorders. But they did dress nice.

LOL, this is true for the Ivy I went to, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was in college 15 years ago at an Ivy, it was fairly obvious who the private school kids were and who the public school kids were (and for the record, I was a public school kid).

And private school was not just a proxy for wealth. I am from California and went to one of the richest public schools in the country, in an area where there simply were no private schools, and I was still easily identifiable as a public school kid.

I don't know that the private school kids were necessarily "cooler". But it does affect a child's development to be in a class of 100 (like most private schools) versus a class of 500+ (most publics).

At my Ivy the private school kids were indeed more polished. Scratch below the surface and come to find they did way more drugs and the boys were kinda rapey, and the girls tended to have eating disorders. But they did dress nice.

LOL, this is true for the Ivy I went to, too.

Yep, yep, yep.

That said, I do think “prep school” is deliberately orchestrated in many ways to turn students into polished people. That is part of the preparation they promise. You are expected to give prospective families tours of the campus... that requires instruction on making eye contact, shaking handles, and filling conversation. You are expected to play multiple sports... more likely to burn a gazillion calories. Not saying these are the motivations for those activities necessarily, but happy consequences I suppose.

I went to private school and loved it, but even while I was there I was aware of this stuff. I went on to a top university and was in a “top” sorority but had social anxiety the entire time, like imposter syndrome but for teens. I joke about it now... how at ease I can seem in professional and social settings even though I am often miserable and would rather be home on my couch. For many, it may be natural or from parenting. For me, it was 100% learned behavior which I am equally appreciative of (undoubtably part of my success in life) and also ashamed of (wish I was more comfortable being myself).

I guess I am saying I get it, but also know your kid and consider how they will take to being in a pressure cooker type situation where everyone is expwcyed to model this confidence/charm/coolness you so admire. And then god forbid, think how it will feel if/when they can’t.

[Anonymous]

I know exactly what you are taking about, OP. Its not coolness though. It is a trait that you know when you see it. And yes, its real and it does last into adulthood. Public school kids, no matter how rich or how worldly or privileged, never quite have it. Its a trait that is obvious to people who know what it but its almost impossible to put into words. I went to a small wealthy public for high school and a small private for college. I have observed it my whole life.

[Anonymous]

So much RIDICULOUSNESS on this thread, mostly from worryingly sheltered people.

I have lived in many different countries and work and socialize with a lot of international families.

This entire public vs. private American "polish" debate is pathetic when you consider that different cultures have varying cultural norms and standards - even one so apparently close as the British. This is critical because the USA will not hold the post of sole economic superpower and world policeman for much longer.

Americans are perceived to be self-confident, even aggressive, and even when what they say is stupid. They are known for it. You would do well to instill some extra courteous manners in your children, and to teach them to listen first, take the temperature of the room, know who they are talking to and why it matters, before airing their opinions.

To that point, it matters much more with whom your children go to school, the educational level AND cultural diversity of the families, than whether tuition is included in your taxes or 40K additional dollars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love this forum. It just keeps giving and giving!

I know, right?

OP, the kind of people you apparently want to suck up too can smell a needy social climber from a mile away. I don't think private school is going to accomplish anything for your kids. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love this forum. It just keeps giving and giving!

+1

I have no words except for this... my DH went to elite private school and he is all the things OP describes. He is also extremely insecure about money and wanting to have it. And many of his classmates have similar strange relationships with wealth. For example lots of his female friends married very wealthy men with very significant problems (like drugs, cheating). It is just one example of the complexities of the effects of private school education. It has positives and negatives imo. It is not a ticket to perfect kids. So OP I think you are being very naive.

[Anonymous]

Are you sure it's private school v. growing up in a city rather than a suburb? (Assuming that the public school kids are suburbanites . . . .)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Entitlement.

I went to a fancy private school. While I don't think it's exactly "entitlement", that's the best word I can come up with. A critical component of my education was being told that I could do anything, and I belonged everywhere. The education itself was great, but the idea that I was "good enough" for anything was the most valuable thing my schooling imparted to me. I have never once wondered whether I belonged in a room or a meeting. Even when, literally, meeting the POTUS. Personally, I think everyone should be taught that they are as worthy as anyone else. I don't think private school kids or rich people are anything special. But most people are taught to "know their place". And the best gift I've ever been given was the knowledge that my "place" was anywhere I wanted it to be.

[Anonymous]

Spouse and I are super-awkward Asperger geeks. We have an NT kid who goes to private school, though. School's done a terrific job in consciously instructing our kid in being polite and kind, with great interpersonal awareness, as part of their social-emotional learning program. So some of it definitely comes from instruction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Entitlement.

I went to a fancy private school. While I don't think it's exactly "entitlement", that's the best word I can come up with. A critical component of my education was being told that I could do anything, and I belonged everywhere. The education itself was great, but the idea that I was "good enough" for anything was the most valuable thing my schooling imparted to me. I have never once wondered whether I belonged in a room or a meeting. Even when, literally, meeting the POTUS. Personally, I think everyone should be taught that they are as worthy as anyone else. I don't think private school kids or rich people are anything special. But most people are taught to "know their place". And the best gift I've ever been given was the knowledge that my "place" was anywhere I wanted it to be.

Yikes. Along the lines of what a PP said, this can really backfire. I work in biglaw and there’s a paralegal with this attitude. Dude pipes up with his legal opinions as if anyone cares what he thinks. It’s cringe-worthy. I’m sure he went to a very nice high school and all, but he doesn’t actually have a seat at the table at work and pretending like he does is not helping his career.