Honest opinions, please. Birthday situation.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't love dinner at 7 on a weeknight, with an hour drive back home - that would screw w/ bedtime on a school night.

I'd say that you can't make it. Husband can go alone, dinner can be later (and I'd also - perhaps pettily - make it clear that was a significant bending of the rules re bedtime), or we can schedule something for the weekend.

I can imagine skipping another practice, and I can also imagine saying he'd already missed one and needs to honor his commitment. I'd support you on either side of that.

It may be that you need to stop giving so much time and energy to these control battles overall. Make your decision, based on what you and your husband agree is best for your family in any given scenario, and then live with the consequences. If you strip your emotions out of it then there is less for her to feed on and less for you to stew over.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so annoying when adults make a fuss about their own birthdays. You have presented perfectly good options. MIL needs to grow up.

I had to check back to see if I wrote this. It appears I didn't, but PP, you are spot on.

[Anonymous]

Old person here:
I know it very awkward what your MIL is asking but “the day of” seems to be a thing with some people. We always try to eat early because cheaper but more importantly less noisy. Hearing not the best. She also may not know how pushy and demanding coaches are for simple after school sports in this generation. Was not remotely the same for her kids.
I do get how that puts you in the middle tho

[Anonymous]

Don't let your husband put this on you to decide, because then you'll get blamed for whatever the outcome is. There are several reasonable options -- dinner on another night, dinner later, dinner at another restaurant closer to practice. Let him decide or present them to his mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't let your husband put this on you to decide, because then you'll get blamed for whatever the outcome is. There are several reasonable options -- dinner on another night, dinner later, dinner at another restaurant closer to practice. Let him decide or present them to his mother.

Thanks. I am sticking to these options. I believe he should fulfill his commitment and go to practice, so that’s what I intend to stick to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see why it’s annoying.

But if this is a garden-variety practice, eh, he can miss. If he’s Michael Phelps on the rise, fine. If not, it’s one practice for a family event.

Does she play second fiddle to sports schedules a lot?

This. Put it into perspective. She is his grandma, this team will be over in a few months. At the very least, inform the coach that your son has an important family event so he will be leaving 30 minutes early.

But can’t Grandma put it perspective and have dinner the night before or on the weekend?

NP here who has been a direct witness to the decline of several elderly relatives, and who has studied and written about matters related to gerentology.

To answer your question: Maybe she can, but maybe she can't.

Perhaps OP can share more about her age and overall state, but honestly, elderly people face isolation and feelings of being unimportant and invisible--even when they are otherwise healthy. And health issues like dementia might well also be in play.

The point is, when dealing with the elderly, you can't just assume that they are an adult the way we think of a healthy 45-year-old with a full life. There can be a lot of factors here. If something seems "off" about Grandma's response, don't jump to the conclusion that she's choosing to be selfish or dramatic. Really think about what could be going on.

As for sports, yes, it's important to honor that commitment to your team. But isn't your family, first and foremost, your team? If 30 Tuesday evenings out of the school year are dedicated to soccer, can't one of those Tuesday evenings be wholly or partially dedicated to family?

Oh, great, not it's not enough to helicopter parent and coddle our kids, now we're supposed to do it to our parents, too?

MIL apparently is married, 66 yo, has not disclosed health issues and has a long-standing history as a control freak. Adults who care so passionately about their birthdays are odd, verging on pathetic, and she needs to get over it.

[Anonymous]

Grown a** woman pouting about a birthday dinner? I would never put up with that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Old person here:
I know it very awkward what your MIL is asking but “the day of” seems to be a thing with some people. We always try to eat early because cheaper but more importantly less noisy. Hearing not the best. She also may not know how pushy and demanding coaches are for simple after school sports in this generation. Was not remotely the same for her kids.
I do get how that puts you in the middle tho

Day off is not a thing. Grown people do not care about their birthdays. OP should show up with Ds when he is done with practice. Plus, we don't care that all the elderly think kids activities today are nonsense and our own "fault" because we don't have to do anything, they sure didn't take us anywhere...we are busy by choice... but we must drop everything when some baby boomers acts like a kid. I am very pro MIL on these forums, but this is a power play and insecure sh*t. I do not put up with it. I will try and do everything for my mom and FIL, but when they are acting like entitled toddlers, I don't engage.

[Anonymous]

I am surprised how few people were indicated concern about this being on a school night with, depending on kids age and school, the kid may have lots of homework after the practice and dinner. Wouldn't the MIL enjoy some special time with her son?

[Anonymous]

I think it depends on the age of your son. A 7 year old missing practice does not have the same consequence as a 17 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's so annoying when adults make a fuss about their own birthdays. You have presented perfectly good options. MIL needs to grow up.

This. Have your son call her before he leaves for school and wish her happy birthday and that he’s looking forward to celebrating with her that evening., just to make her feel special, since that’s what she seems to need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our DS has sports practice weekly. He had to miss last week because of some logistical issues which were out of his control. His next practice falls on MIL’s birthday. We’d rather him not miss another practice, because his team and coaches expect his participation. His practice is until 6:00ish. MIL is making a huge deal over this and being a little rigid. She wants to have dinner and wants it at a favorite restaurant near her home AT 6pm, and she wants DS there more than anything. DH presented three options:

Dinner later, so DS can still make practice

Dinner closer to us at 6 (DS and I would be only a little late)

DH attends her dinner without DS and I, and we celebrate at a later date.

She’s currently pouting and giving DH a hard time, telling him everything comes before her birthday. Are we actually the ones being rigid? Do we have DS miss his second practice so he can go? And no, this is not a milestone BD. Just a mid-week actual BD being celebrated on the actual day.

To MIL (pref through DH): "mom, I'm sorry, but 6:00 will not work for us as Larlo has practice until 6. We can move it later on your birthday or move it to the next day. Either way we will celebrate. But, unfortunately 6:00 on that day is not going to work." Then ignore all pouting, complaints about everything coming before her, etc. If she continues, say: "I'm sorry you feel that way. Please let us know if you want us to move the reservation later or move it." Then, it's on her to act like a big girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's so annoying when adults make a fuss about their own birthdays. You have presented perfectly good options. MIL needs to grow up.

This. Have your son call her before he leaves for school and wish her happy birthday and that he’s looking forward to celebrating with her that evening., just to make her feel special, since that’s what she seems to need.

I have no issue with her wanting to celebrate her day. And really, that's a MYOB thing if you can't relate. But, life does not stop for birthdays. And I see no reason that the celebration can't be later or on the next day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see why it’s annoying.

But if this is a garden-variety practice, eh, he can miss. If he’s Michael Phelps on the rise, fine. If not, it’s one practice for a family event.

Does she play second fiddle to sports schedules a lot?

This. Put it into perspective. She is his grandma, this team will be over in a few months. At the very least, inform the coach that your son has an important family event so he will be leaving 30 minutes early.

But can’t Grandma put it perspective and have dinner the night before or on the weekend?

NP here who has been a direct witness to the decline of several elderly relatives, and who has studied and written about matters related to gerentology.

To answer your question: Maybe she can, but maybe she can't.

Perhaps OP can share more about her age and overall state, but honestly, elderly people face isolation and feelings of being unimportant and invisible--even when they are otherwise healthy. And health issues like dementia might well also be in play.

The point is, when dealing with the elderly, you can't just assume that they are an adult the way we think of a healthy 45-year-old with a full life. There can be a lot of factors here. If something seems "off" about Grandma's response, don't jump to the conclusion that she's choosing to be selfish or dramatic. Really think about what could be going on.

As for sports, yes, it's important to honor that commitment to your team. But isn't your family, first and foremost, your team? If 30 Tuesday evenings out of the school year are dedicated to soccer, can't one of those Tuesday evenings be wholly or partially dedicated to family?

Oh, great, not it's not enough to helicopter parent and coddle our kids, now we're supposed to do it to our parents, too?

MIL apparently is married, 66 yo, has not disclosed health issues and has a long-standing history as a control freak. Adults who care so passionately about their birthdays are odd, verging on pathetic, and she needs to get over it.

Why are you so mean? And judgmental? People can disagree without this last sentence. Ge ahold of yourself.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s interesting that OP hasn’t given us her DS’s age.

Why wasn’t the lesson on committment to the team as important to teach last weekf, but this week — on MIL’s birthday — it’s become paramount?

How would you resolve this if it was your mother’s birthday and she was the one that wanted to celebrate with your family on “the day,” OP?