Are grandparents generally more closer with their daughter's kids than son's kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m hoping this will change with future generations but women carry he majority of emotional labor and childcare. My in-laws only ask dh how he’s doing or if he needs help. They never asked how my pregnancies went, how I was postpartum or how I am during dh’s deployments. Because dh didn’t need help or didn’t like to call, they never spoke to me. If you want to be close to your grandkids, have a good relationship with the DIL. My in-laws never spoke to me, just dh, so when he’s gone they don’t bother to ask about the kids other than to stalk me on Facebook. They’re takers. They want constant visits but never visit us. They want updates but never text me. I’m the one here with the kids while dh is gone.

On the other hand I will see a lot of DIL’s criticizing how intrusive, nosy, judgmental their inlaws are. There’s a post now complaining about inlaws wanting to visit when her DH is gone. It’ must be very hard for them to carefully balance exactly what each DIL might want.

NP. I see your point, but I think the threads we see tend to be the extreme cases, yes?

I read that thread about the ILs wanting to visit during the week when their son is not yet home. Did you read the whole thing? OP goes out of her way to say that the ILs are not helpful and actually expect to be "hosted"/waited on during these weeknight visits. You really don't see how the dynamic would be different if the ILs:

1) Waited to visit on the weekends if they expect to be "hosted"
2) Visited during the week but actually helped out with homework, meal prep, clean-up or whatever else would be helpful to that OP
3) Visited during the week to be "hosted" but waited until the son was home and/or departed when it was time to put the kids to bed so as not to disrupt a weeknight for a busy helpful

I honestly don't get these threads where DILs are called "bad DILs" because they don't want to take on every piece of emotional labor/hosting/difficult dynamics with literally no help from their husbands.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, yes and no. Generally, I see grandparents being closest to the grandchildren who live closest. But in my family, sons are valued more highly than daughters, and grandparents value grandchildren from sons more highly. Just the way it is. So my mother it closer to the grandchildren from her son than to any other grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

IME, the parents of the parent who does most of the caregiving are closer to the kids. That’s usually the mom, but in the families I’ve known where it’s the dad, the dads parents are closer.

[Anonymous]

No, of course not.

[Anonymous]

It's true in my family, and sadly I say this as a mom of an only boy.

My Dad was an angry and sometimes scary father who we keep at arms length. My FIL is awful and very critical and my MIL is a recovering alcoholic and enables him, so yes, we spend much more time with my Mom.

I hope to buck the trend with my son. I plan on being a MIL who is very respectful of boundaries with my future DIL.

[Anonymous]

I (daughter) live hundreds of miles away from my parents, who never come to visit. So they see my kids twice a year.

My brothers live with their children 5-10 miles from my parents. So my parents see them all the time.

[Anonymous]

PP here. My kids see my DH's parents way more than mine, because they live close by. And my DH's parents are quite involved with their lives. Their grandson from their daughter is grown up and they don't see him so much anymore because he has moved farther away.

That's my experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m hoping this will change with future generations but women carry he majority of emotional labor and childcare. My in-laws only ask dh how he’s doing or if he needs help. They never asked how my pregnancies went, how I was postpartum or how I am during dh’s deployments. Because dh didn’t need help or didn’t like to call, they never spoke to me. If you want to be close to your grandkids, have a good relationship with the DIL. My in-laws never spoke to me, just dh, so when he’s gone they don’t bother to ask about the kids other than to stalk me on Facebook. They’re takers. They want constant visits but never visit us. They want updates but never text me. I’m the one here with the kids while dh is gone.

On the other hand I will see a lot of DIL’s criticizing how intrusive, nosy, judgmental their inlaws are. There’s a post now complaining about inlaws wanting to visit when her DH is gone. It’ must be very hard for them to carefully balance exactly what each DIL might want.

I suppose - but MILs should at least make the effort and ask what they can do to help. Being totally hands off, and demanding - two opposite behaviors - are detrimental to the relationship. For example, I know a MIL who used to want something to talk about with her so called bridge friends. Those weren't friends, but that is another story. Point being, the MIL would exaggerate anything that MIL perceived by the DIL, such that the DIL could do no right. The DIL wasn't stupid, and picked up on the MIL trash talking the DIL (small town) - so of course the DIL didn't want the MIL around. Hard to blame the DIL in that example. The MIL needs to be the more mature one, and set a good example. If the MIL is selfish and brooding, it is not going to make the relationship with the son or the DIL progress. The MIL needs to be the bigger person, and support the individuals AND the couple, consistently. If the DIL perceives that the MIL is not "on her side", then forget it. It is not that complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your son's you son till he takes a wife but a daughter's your daughter all your life.. yes, it is true

I like my mother-in-law better than my own mother. There, I said it. But it's true.

--signed, a daugther-in-law

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:IME, the parents of the parent who does most of the caregiving are closer to the kids. That’s usually the mom, but in the families I’ve known where it’s the dad, the dads parents are closer.

What if the daughter runs the mom ragged, so that when the son has children, the MIL is bitter and closed (well, she was that way anyway, but the daughter running MIL ragged just made it worse)?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, yes and no. Generally, I see grandparents being closest to the grandchildren who live closest. But in my family, sons are valued more highly than daughters, and grandparents value grandchildren from sons more highly. Just the way it is. So my mother it closer to the grandchildren from her son than to any other grandchildren.

x10000

This is my experience too, in most cultures. Maybe not the "flat affect" ones.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s distance. My in-laws are local and haven’t asked me anything about the kids in years. My parents live in CA. But they call and text and listen to me. They know everything about my kids.

In all fairness, in-laws are waiting for dh to call and that’s not going to happen often or even weekly. My parents text and call my dh though so he’s probably even closer to my parents than his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, yes and no. Generally, I see grandparents being closest to the grandchildren who live closest. But in my family, sons are valued more highly than daughters, and grandparents value grandchildren from sons more highly. Just the way it is. So my mother it closer to the grandchildren from her son than to any other grandchildren.

x10000

This is my experience too, in most cultures. Maybe not the "flat affect" ones.

I think that’s an Eastern culture vs Western culture. Children of daughters seem more prized here

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my experience, yes and no. Generally, I see grandparents being closest to the grandchildren who live closest. But in my family, sons are valued more highly than daughters, and grandparents value grandchildren from sons more highly. Just the way it is. So my mother it closer to the grandchildren from her son than to any other grandchildren.

x10000

This is my experience too, in most cultures. Maybe not the "flat affect" ones.

I think that’s an Eastern culture vs Western culture. Children of daughters seem more prized here

PP here. Not exactly, but the MILs may subconsciously see their daughters children as an extension of the MILs ego, which is slightly sick.

Why would you think they are more prized? They are not even carrying on the family name, as a proper surname!

[Anonymous]

I'm an only, but my ILS have always favored my SIL's kids over ours. It doesn't have to do with distance - we actually lived closer. I call my MIL regularly, we stop by to see them. I think it was because they were far more involved in SIL's family's day to day life: they were often over there doing her laundry, driving her kids, fixing their cars, etc. They are the "needier" family, no doubt, in that they have never really been independent from my ILs. But it was still very frustrating when it was obvious that SIL's kids got way more attention - ie invited for sleepovers, taken out for their birthdays, allowed to bring friends to the GPs house, and when my kids asked for time with them, were told, "Oh, sorry, the other grandkids are coming..." The other grandkids had regularly scheduled visits - my kids were not part of the schedule.

Their maternal gps had both passed, so it was sad, and very obvious to my kids that they were always the second choice or afterthought when it came to DH's parents.