Anyone else shocked when couples divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men hit their late 40s, or early 50s, and often experience a serious, meaningful midlife crisis, which causes them to ask "where did my life go?", and as a follow-up, "is this what I want out of the rest of my life going forward?" Many times the answer is "no", and the man therefore seek to reinvent himself through physical changes, a new wardrobe or property, new interests -- or taken to the a further extreme, a new job, wife, and/or family.

My spouse, and our marriage, were generally good and happy, until one day they were not. Precipitated by a missed professional opportunity, DH called everything about his life into question, and left me, our two teenagers still at home, and his job to move to another geographic region for a fresh start. It is devastating and inexplicable to those left behind, and I expect that we will pick up the pieces and sort through the consequences for a long time.

NP here. I'm so sorry, PP, that you are going through this.

But I think you are right. I don't think it happens to just men, though. I think some women do the same thing around the same age (but I would say it's more like between 35-45 for women), except, from what I've seen, they just have affairs and don't divorce, in part because they don't want to give up the security of the marriage.

I think it's easy for people to take their spouses for granted and think the answer to filling a midlife void is to look outside for something meaningful. Personally, I think the better approach is to use that angst to go deeper into the relationship you already have (your marriage). It's a shame your husband and other people don't look to that first as a remedy to the midlife crisis.

People should look to try something new with their spouses. I'm not talking about sex, either. I'm talking about seeking out adventures or charting out a different course for the next chapter of life. Too often people are willing to throw away (in your case) or risk (in the case of the men and women who have affairs as a result of midlife crisis) their marriage, in which they've already invested a significant portion of time an energy.

I used to be shocked when couples divorce. There was one couple in our circle of friends who weathered a lot of difficult things together, when they finally got what they wanted and things finally started to go their way, that's when they divorced. It shocked me. It also disappointed me because it showed me how ungrateful people are. Their divorce was a mean divorce. It wasn't just that they were mean to each other, but they kind of took for granted all of the people who had been there for them through the difficult times. When things finally went their way, they kind of became entitled. And then nothing was enough. It was sad to see play out. After that, I'm not really shocked by divorce. I'm still shocked by affairs. But it seems to be the same kind of ungrateful sense of entitlement at play. A person has a spouse who has been there, supportive for years, and finally when that person gets what they want and things go their way, that's when they cheat, in essence crapping all over their spouse. The worst is when the spouse is oblivious. It's just disgusting.

But judging from some of the other threads on DCUM, I think I'm in the minority.

In our case, there was also an extramarital affair with another woman, a professional acquaintance and industry colleague of my husband's, that - along with his disappointment over a declined professional opportunity, precipitated his jettisoning of our loving marriage, our adoring teenage children, his successful position, and his happy domicile, to pursue the possibility of a life with this other woman elsewhere. Your observation that "a person has a spouse who has been there, supportive for years, and finally when that person gets what they want and things go their way, that's when they cheat, in essence crapping all over their spouse" is an astute one, and is true in our case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men hit their late 40s, or early 50s, and often experience a serious, meaningful midlife crisis, which causes them to ask "where did my life go?", and as a follow-up, "is this what I want out of the rest of my life going forward?" Many times the answer is "no", and the man therefore seek to reinvent himself through physical changes, a new wardrobe or property, new interests -- or taken to the a further extreme, a new job, wife, and/or family.

My spouse, and our marriage, were generally good and happy, until one day they were not. Precipitated by a missed professional opportunity, DH called everything about his life into question, and left me, our two teenagers still at home, and his job to move to another geographic region for a fresh start. It is devastating and inexplicable to those left behind, and I expect that we will pick up the pieces and sort through the consequences for a long time.

NP here. I'm so sorry, PP, that you are going through this.

But I think you are right. I don't think it happens to just men, though. I think some women do the same thing around the same age (but I would say it's more like between 35-45 for women), except, from what I've seen, they just have affairs and don't divorce, in part because they don't want to give up the security of the marriage.

I think it's easy for people to take their spouses for granted and think the answer to filling a midlife void is to look outside for something meaningful. Personally, I think the better approach is to use that angst to go deeper into the relationship you already have (your marriage). It's a shame your husband and other people don't look to that first as a remedy to the midlife crisis.

People should look to try something new with their spouses. I'm not talking about sex, either. I'm talking about seeking out adventures or charting out a different course for the next chapter of life. Too often people are willing to throw away (in your case) or risk (in the case of the men and women who have affairs as a result of midlife crisis) their marriage, in which they've already invested a significant portion of time an energy.

I used to be shocked when couples divorce. There was one couple in our circle of friends who weathered a lot of difficult things together, when they finally got what they wanted and things finally started to go their way, that's when they divorced. It shocked me. It also disappointed me because it showed me how ungrateful people are. Their divorce was a mean divorce. It wasn't just that they were mean to each other, but they kind of took for granted all of the people who had been there for them through the difficult times. When things finally went their way, they kind of became entitled. And then nothing was enough. It was sad to see play out. After that, I'm not really shocked by divorce. I'm still shocked by affairs. But it seems to be the same kind of ungrateful sense of entitlement at play. A person has a spouse who has been there, supportive for years, and finally when that person gets what they want and things go their way, that's when they cheat, in essence crapping all over their spouse. The worst is when the spouse is oblivious. It's just disgusting.

But judging from some of the other threads on DCUM, I think I'm in the minority.

In our case, there was also an extramarital affair with another woman, a professional acquaintance and industry colleague of my husband's, that - along with his disappointment over a declined professional opportunity, precipitated his jettisoning of our loving marriage, our adoring teenage children, his successful position, and his happy domicile, to pursue the possibility of a life with this other woman elsewhere. Your observation that "a person has a spouse who has been there, supportive for years, and finally when that person gets what they want and things go their way, that's when they cheat, in essence crapping all over their spouse" is an astute one, and is true in our case.

When a family is left in such a way it seldom works out for the cheater. It's a domino effect whereby the kids often cut the cheater out of their life. Down the road that person gets tired of spending holidays with his partners family. The realization they no longer have a family happens when its too late.