Anyone else shocked when couples divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Middle school aged? It’s classic. I have been separated since 2015, no one but my close friends know.

But why are you hiding it? Are you ashamed?

No. I do not want it to impact my job where unmarried women, particularly moms, can be seen as not available for demanding projects. I also do not want to appear available given the times I have been hit on in work settings and I can rely on the “I am married” as an out without offending anyone. I also do not the wives of all the men I work and travel with to see me as a possible threat and hint they shouldn’t work with me. It’s really a professional issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are going to flip when they find out I have been separated since 2017.

Only my close friends know.

I don't understand. If you are separated, then you should be living apart. Wouldn't your friends notice? What am I missing?

We can't afford to live apart. He also has PTSD and I don't want him to commit suicide. He lives in the in law suite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a little shocked at the wave of divorces that happened around 32-33, no kids. All college educated, not quick marriages, married around 27-30. Low risk group, but there were a surprising number of them.

What were the reasons, generally? Affairs? Immaturity? Wanted a wedding but not a marriage? Bad fit? Rushed into it? Should never have married? One was really an asshole and everyone knew it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People are going to flip when they find out I have been separated since 2017.

Only my close friends know.

Having been there, you’re giving way to much credit to yourself for how much anyone else thinks or cares about non-close friends.

Well they will be upset because they think they are close friends. Actually they are, but I just told my 2 closest friends. My roommate frimcollegdveill be hurt actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope... 40 to 50 percent of married couples in the United States divorce. The divorce rate for subsequent marriages is even higher.

The rate is much lower (more like 30% or even less) among couples where both parents are college grads and don’t get married before their early-mid 20s. Ie everyone on dcum

[Anonymous]

I'm more surprised by marriages that last past five years. I'm the default therapist to most of my friends and associates. Even people I don't know well confide in me for some reason. One day they're hurt because someone cheated. The next day they're sending me a wedding invitation.

[Anonymous]

Im surprised by how few divroces are in my circle of friends in DC. Lived here for 20 years and only know one divorce and saw that coming a mile away, woman is now working on divorce #2. Most of us have young kids so not even contemplating doviroce. i think it happens "suddenly" when kids are older and more independent and you realize your marriage has really been neglected.

[Anonymous]

Most no, but a few shocked me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm shocked by how many couples have divorced/are divorcing in our school pyramid.

I'm surprised when they date or move in with other parents in the area.

I'm surprised they can afford to maintain separate households--particularly when there's a SAHM and the husband doesn't earn a big salary.

And I'm surprised when seemingly "perfect" couples split. I know you never can tell what goes on behind closed doors, but some of the cheaters have really surprised me.

I'm not judging. I'm just truly shocked by the high numbers and blatant cheating followed by shacking up...in very public ways in our area.

I know people say divorce is contagious, and I'm wondering if that's what is happening in my area.

Anyone else noticing similar patterns? Are you surprised, or is this the new normal?

I'm not. I am shocked at how infrequent divorces are up county (moco). For some time at my kids' school, they were the only kids who had divorced parents that we knew of. But, MS is different - more and more there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men hit their late 40s, or early 50s, and often experience a serious, meaningful midlife crisis, which causes them to ask "where did my life go?", and as a follow-up, "is this what I want out of the rest of my life going forward?" Many times the answer is "no", and the man therefore seek to reinvent himself through physical changes, a new wardrobe or property, new interests -- or taken to the a further extreme, a new job, wife, and/or family.

My spouse, and our marriage, were generally good and happy, until one day they were not. Precipitated by a missed professional opportunity, DH called everything about his life into question, and left me, our two teenagers still at home, and his job to move to another geographic region for a fresh start. It is devastating and inexplicable to those left behind, and I expect that we will pick up the pieces and sort through the consequences for a long time.

NP here. I'm so sorry, PP, that you are going through this.

But I think you are right. I don't think it happens to just men, though. I think some women do the same thing around the same age (but I would say it's more like between 35-45 for women), except, from what I've seen, they just have affairs and don't divorce, in part because they don't want to give up the security of the marriage.

I think it's easy for people to take their spouses for granted and think the answer to filling a midlife void is to look outside for something meaningful. Personally, I think the better approach is to use that angst to go deeper into the relationship you already have (your marriage). It's a shame your husband and other people don't look to that first as a remedy to the midlife crisis.

People should look to try something new with their spouses. I'm not talking about sex, either. I'm talking about seeking out adventures or charting out a different course for the next chapter of life. Too often people are willing to throw away (in your case) or risk (in the case of the men and women who have affairs as a result of midlife crisis) their marriage, in which they've already invested a significant portion of time an energy.

I used to be shocked when couples divorce. There was one couple in our circle of friends who weathered a lot of difficult things together, when they finally got what they wanted and things finally started to go their way, that's when they divorced. It shocked me. It also disappointed me because it showed me how ungrateful people are. Their divorce was a mean divorce. It wasn't just that they were mean to each other, but they kind of took for granted all of the people who had been there for them through the difficult times. When things finally went their way, they kind of became entitled. And then nothing was enough. It was sad to see play out. After that, I'm not really shocked by divorce. I'm still shocked by affairs. But it seems to be the same kind of ungrateful sense of entitlement at play. A person has a spouse who has been there, supportive for years, and finally when that person gets what they want and things go their way, that's when they cheat, in essence crapping all over their spouse. The worst is when the spouse is oblivious. It's just disgusting.

But judging from some of the other threads on DCUM, I think I'm in the minority.

[Anonymous]

Since something like 25-35% of first time marriages end in divorce (higher for 2nd or 3rd) it can't be shocking that so many do. What is shocking is when a close friend in a seemingly happy marriage divorces. I know a lot of divorced people and it's rare that I have been truly surprised. The warning signs are generally there most often when they don't seem to be happy being in the same place at the same time. The trigger point is often when they become empty nesters in their mid to late 40's or so and it's just the two of them under the same roof.

[Anonymous]

When I got divorced everyone was shocked. I didn't get it. I thought to myself, this has been coming for years! I also thought, when was the last time these people saw my then husband and I together in public? Almost a year, so why a shock? After the divorce, I started dating first, and rumors flew that I had been cheating on him. So far from the truth. But, it's our business, no one else's. I also find it interesting that when married if I spoke with a dad of one of my kids friends (at a sports game, or waiting at pick up) it was nbd, now divorced, if I speak with a dad people think there is something there, we're dating or there's a home wrecker situation. It's like high school. My son graduated from high school last spring and his dad and I sat together with his littler brother. Do you want to guess how many people asked me if we were getting back together because of that? ALOT. People like gossip and drama and are nosy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men hit their late 40s, or early 50s, and often experience a serious, meaningful midlife crisis, which causes them to ask "where did my life go?", and as a follow-up, "is this what I want out of the rest of my life going forward?" Many times the answer is "no", and the man therefore seek to reinvent himself through physical changes, a new wardrobe or property, new interests -- or taken to the a further extreme, a new job, wife, and/or family.

My spouse, and our marriage, were generally good and happy, until one day they were not. Precipitated by a missed professional opportunity, DH called everything about his life into question, and left me, our two teenagers still at home, and his job to move to another geographic region for a fresh start. It is devastating and inexplicable to those left behind, and I expect that we will pick up the pieces and sort through the consequences for a long time.

NP here. I'm so sorry, PP, that you are going through this.

But I think you are right. I don't think it happens to just men, though. I think some women do the same thing around the same age (but I would say it's more like between 35-45 for women), except, from what I've seen, they just have affairs and don't divorce, in part because they don't want to give up the security of the marriage.

I think it's easy for people to take their spouses for granted and think the answer to filling a midlife void is to look outside for something meaningful. Personally, I think the better approach is to use that angst to go deeper into the relationship you already have (your marriage). It's a shame your husband and other people don't look to that first as a remedy to the midlife crisis.

People should look to try something new with their spouses. I'm not talking about sex, either. I'm talking about seeking out adventures or charting out a different course for the next chapter of life. Too often people are willing to throw away (in your case) or risk (in the case of the men and women who have affairs as a result of midlife crisis) their marriage, in which they've already invested a significant portion of time an energy.

I used to be shocked when couples divorce. There was one couple in our circle of friends who weathered a lot of difficult things together, when they finally got what they wanted and things finally started to go their way, that's when they divorced. It shocked me. It also disappointed me because it showed me how ungrateful people are. Their divorce was a mean divorce. It wasn't just that they were mean to each other, but they kind of took for granted all of the people who had been there for them through the difficult times. When things finally went their way, they kind of became entitled. And then nothing was enough. It was sad to see play out. After that, I'm not really shocked by divorce. I'm still shocked by affairs. But it seems to be the same kind of ungrateful sense of entitlement at play. A person has a spouse who has been there, supportive for years, and finally when that person gets what they want and things go their way, that's when they cheat, in essence crapping all over their spouse. The worst is when the spouse is oblivious. It's just disgusting.

But judging from some of the other threads on DCUM, I think I'm in the minority.

One of my in-laws had just paid off their home, one son was getting married. They had a decent marriage until a "old gf" started calling. It was a made up excuse, the real reason she was broke and recently divorced. We looked her up and found out the real story. He left his family for this woman like yesterdays trash.

The divorce didn't go quite like he fantasized either. She received long term alimony, and the home. She took less on his retirement which after the divorce the bubble burst whereby he lost a good amount on his pension. She kept the home and recently sold it for almost twice as much. His AP ended up dying, and his kids cut him off. He really messed up his life, and many who leave decent marriages do the same thing. Why 2nd marriages fail at a much greater rate. Or they're stuck together at that point because of finances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised that there have been so few divorces, to be honest.

Me too. I don't think I've had a divorce among my family nor friends in 3-4 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Given how hard marriage is, no, I'm not surprised.

Not surprised.
Lots of men and women are fake. Fake happy, fake values, fake got it together, etc.
So when a fake person (usually female) or person who rarely talks about anything *real* (usually men who brush everything under the rug), suddenly gets divorced, it is no surprise at all.

Plus I work with tons of *brilliant men* who do great at work, but I’ve seen enough to know their are total messes at home and in their personal lives. They don’t even know what age their kid turns on a particular birthday. Not sure how you put up with that.