Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You had a 6-year old sleeping in your room with you?

Yes. DS 1 stayed with us until he was about 2. DD 1 decided to move out about a year after my DS 2 was born. DS 2 moved out a little before the baby was born. To each their own. Bed/room sharing works for us.

Um, I don’t think it does. Your husband wants the kid out. It’s clearly not working for you both

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, something sent you to marital counseling. How do you expect that to change if you're not willing to make any changes?

We are in counseling to avoid divorce. We have been at a disconnect for a while now. Bickering about stupid stuff. DH had an affair ( emotional) for a few months after hismom died. That is over, he’s changed jobs etc.

I do want things to get better, but I don’t think it’s fair to make the kids responsible for that.

OMG you are clueless. Your DH is going to find what he needs elsewhere, he’s already proven that he can. You need to work with him or kiss him goodbye

[Anonymous]

OP, what your husband is asking is reasonable. You are upset because you seem to want him to just be okay with the status quo and the things you agreed. Get over it. Seriously. He’s not okay with the status quo, and you wanting him to be isn’t going to change anything.

As for emotional affairs, they are what happens when people don’t have a good emotional connection to the person they’re married to. I say this as a person who has one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously - get the 3 year old out of the bedroom and hire a babysitter/driver for kids’ activiites (Or get better at arranging car pools). Problem solved.

We agreed we wouldn’t pawn things off on babysitters. My parents frequently missed activities for work and had the babysitter stand in for them. I don’t want that for my kids.

Good god lady. Just grant your husband the inevitable divorce already. You are a controlling piece of work

[Anonymous]

Your husband is right. You have effectively turned him into a long-term sperm donor. You have interposed your children between you and that has been an emotional pry-bar keeping the two of you apart. And despite the fact that you have have resisted any efforts to bring your marriage back together, you refuse to acknowledge your part in this.

On average, children should not be room sharing with their parents beyond about 2 years of age. There are exceptions (typically first born) that go to 3 or maybe 4, but 5 or 6 is just ridiculous, especially for 2nd and successive children. The fact that you have four children and essentially have never had a private bedroom for the two of you since you married is a huge red flag. It's not about the children, it's about your inability to let go of them, let them grow up and share true intimacy and private time with your husband.

If you only had one or two children, having multiple activities is not unusual. Once you have 3+ children, you really can't have multiple activities for all of them and still have any type of family life. Not only do you two never see each other, but when do your children see each other and actually have sibling or family time? If you are carting all of the children around to ferry their siblings to activities, then you are doing them a disservice. You need to have home time for the family without the rushing to and fro. The children need time at home without rushing to and from their and their siblings activities. Have them each select the must have activities. The 16 year old, even with ADD, is old enough to Uber home one day a week if he really needs one more activity that you can't coordinate the chauffering, but you don't think he's old enough to drive yet.

I am completely with your husband that you are refusing to make compromises to save your marriage. You have clearly placed your children and their luxuries above the necessities of your marriage. If your marriage dissolves, you are entirely to blame. Your husband has made the sacrifices to meet your list of requirements, but you aren't willing to make any concessions to his list of requirements.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it would behoove you go to individual therapy to explore your need to have control all the time. Even now, you're trying to manipulate what your husband says he needs from you by getting him to do what you want him to do (more chores), but you're doing everything within your power to not do what he says is important to him because it would mean giving up your control. Not a good combination.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We each made a list of things that would help accomplish that. I want us to split the chores more evenly . It’s about a 40/60 split now but I want something like 45/55 if not 50/50.

I also suggested a date night once a month.

DH is taking on more household things and has lined up a babysitter for this weekend and planned a date.

I’m having trouble implementing his list. The reason for that is I feel like his list unfairly targets the kids. Example he wants to limit them to 1 activity because he thinks we spend to much time rushing from place to place and prepping for activities.

He also wants to move youngest DC out of our room. DC is only 3 years old the other kids stayed with us until they were 5/6.

He says that fewer activities will give us more time in the evening and we mainly me will be less exhausted. He also thinks moving the baby will improve our intimacy. He’s not just talking sex . We have enough sex . He just “ wants me to himself.”

I think he’s being a little selfish. Which is odd because he’s always going on about putting the kids first. He’s a good dad to all 4 kids he has always treated my son as his own. Before anyone says iit he wanted kids very badly. He and his first wife actually divorced because she didn’t want kids.

No wonder you have marital problems. A 3 year old should be in their own roman if you have 4 kids, limiting to one activity is reasonable. If you want more, stop complaint and you do it.

[Anonymous]

Carve out some sexytime.

[Anonymous]

I'm team DH on this one, he sounds reasonable. I agree your 3 year old should be out of your room... and we co-sleep with our 18 month old DC. Also, 3 year old is not a baby

[Anonymous]

OP, what did your marriage counselor say about your respective lists? Did he/she express any concerns about what your DH is asking?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll.

I don't think so. Op probably went to marriage counseling thinking all the problems were due to DH. She wasn't expecting, nor is she accepting, of the fact that she is at fault too. And now that DH is putting effort into what was asked of him, more attention is on her.

Op wants to keep claiming he is selfish. OP is the selfish one. She keeps making excuses instead of trying to work with DH. Op would rather be divorced than wrong. Oh, and as for the "how do I tell kids to give up an activity?'. That's the price you pay when you have 4 kids. They don't get to do everything.

But it's ok OP. Keep making excuses. Just don't blame your DH when you end up divorced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This has to be a troll.

I don't think so. Op probably went to marriage counseling thinking all the problems were due to DH. She wasn't expecting, nor is she accepting, of the fact that she is at fault too. And now that DH is putting effort into what was asked of him, more attention is on her.

Op wants to keep claiming he is selfish. OP is the selfish one. She keeps making excuses instead of trying to work with DH. Op would rather be divorced than wrong. Oh, and as for the "how do I tell kids to give up an activity?'. That's the price you pay when you have 4 kids. They don't get to do everything.

But it's ok OP. Keep making excuses. Just don't blame your DH when you end up divorced.

+1. They probably started going after the emotional affair came out, and she figured that the therapist would say it was all his fault since he was the one who got emotionally entangled with someone else. OP isn’t getting support from the therapist in her opposition to making any of her DH’s requested changes, so she’s come here instead looking for back-up. Now that we’re not giving it to her either, she’ll probably disappear from this thread and seek validation in yet another venue.

[Anonymous]

You know what's really good for kids? Parents with a healthy marriage. In fact, that's the absolute BEST thing for them.

Research is finding putting your kids in a million activities is actually bad for them. Kids need to be kids and play freely.

[Anonymous]

As with any change, Op, why not consider it as a “try and see”. For instance, our 6 year old isn’t in any activities right now. It’s not the long term plan but she had enough going on with kindergarten we gave her a break. This doesn’t mean she’ll never do an activity again.

My brother and his wife separated two years ago and fought over a bitter divorce until 6 months ago. They still fight all the time.

She says “I had no idea he was unhappy; I liked the way things were”. He says “we hadn’t slept in the same bed since our son was born 5 years earlier and when I’d ask for changes she’d give me the silent treatment or say I was punishing our son”

That reminds me of your situation a lot. My brother had an affair and I don’t condone it, but I understand.