Marriage counselor told us we need to make time for us

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm not going to jump down your throat because I'm sure you're sincere.

But I think you should consider the possibility that your husband is not making these suggestions thinking they would be "punishing" the kids. I'm sure he feels that these changes would be good for the entire family. And he is not without reason to think so.

An occasional date night can be great, but it won't make the consistent time for you to help you two restore your bond. And reconfiguring 5 to 10% of the chores responsibility is only going to have a small effect on the margins. The changes he is seeking are more directed to carving out a consistent time for you two to be together. It seems important to him to try to prioritize time with you. That seems unlikely to be bad for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Seriously - get the 3 year old out of the bedroom and hire a babysitter/driver for kids’ activiites (Or get better at arranging car pools). Problem solved.

We agreed we wouldn’t pawn things off on babysitters. My parents frequently missed activities for work and had the babysitter stand in for them. I don’t want that for my kids.

You can’t have 4 kids in multiple activities and no babysitters/carpools. It’s loghstically impossible. Don’t your kids’ activities conflict/overlap with each other? I am not as opposed to keeping the 3 year old in the bedroom as most Americans are/would be, but no wonder you have no time for each other! This is not how most people do it. And you have a 16 year old and a 3 year old! You’ve managed to extend your kid-focused years much longer than other families. Your husband is looking at that 3 year old and thinking “this is what it’s going to be like for another 10-15 years”

[Anonymous]

Kids need boundaries too, OP. Having their own room, limiting activities to what works for everyone in the family ... these are healthy boundaries. Nothing about these very normal life choices is "punishing" children, nor is getting a babysitter every now and then or carpooling with the neighbors. Those are also very normal, healthy life management skills.

[Anonymous]

I fully support your DH OP; he is a reasonable man. Do you know what happens to kids involved in too many activities? They're unable to focus and they're not really good at anything, because they're stretched to their limit and have no down time. I am actually starting marriage counseling this week and I will be requesting the same from my DH. My step-DD will be limited to one activity instead of three. My DH has similar issues and thinks the child will be deprived. Prioritize your marriage!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For all you saying he is reasonable how are we supposed to tell the kids they have to quit activities they love? It still seems like an unfair burden to them.

Look - no one gets everything they like. Life is largely about figuring out how to use limited resources. In this case your limited resources include time. You tell the kids to pick the one or two activities they like the most, because life is full of hard choices.

And for the love of gd get that toddler out of your room! How do any of you get any sleep, let alone get any time to yourselves?

[Anonymous]

I think unstructured time is good for kids and, with so many planned activities these days, kids get too little of that kind of time.

[Anonymous]

For all you saying he is reasonable how are we supposed to tell the kids they have to quit activities they love? It still seems like an unfair burden to them.

the same way i tell them no more screen time, no we can't buy that, or its time to go to bed. Having limits and understanding the complexity of the household is not an unfair burden to them, it is a lesson in reality and establishes healthy limits and boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I am always team DW, well, almost always, you sound unreasonable. I'm team DH here. Move the 3 year old--not a baby, out. Maybe limiting to one event seems like much of a cut back, then agree on 2. But kids don't need a million activities. They need healthy, loving, connected parents.

[Bella_lee]

Hi I do think that your counselor is right, quantity and quality time is beneficial for any relationship and even more so in marriage. I understand your concerns regarding your children but both of you having a healthy and happy marriage is a major benefit for the children. Finding a compromise that works for everyone might be necessary in moving forward. All the best mama, you can do this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm team DH. And a 3 year old isn't a baby. Do you have an identity outside your kids? Do you ever do anything without your kids?

+1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, something sent you to marital counseling. How do you expect that to change if you're not willing to make any changes?

We are in counseling to avoid divorce. We have been at a disconnect for a while now. Bickering about stupid stuff. DH had an affair ( emotional) for a few months after hismom died. That is over, he’s changed jobs etc.

I do want things to get better, but I don’t think it’s fair to make the kids responsible for that.

OMG you are clueless. Your DH is going to find what he needs elsewhere, he’s already proven that he can. You need to work with him or kiss him goodbye

This. You’re CLUELESS OP. You need to implement these changes if you want to stay married.

[Anonymous]

If you say he treats your son like his own, then it means that he married you as a single mom. So be grateful!

[Anonymous]

I agree that in order for your marriage to improve, then your three year old should get their own sleeping space.

And limiting your children’s activities can create more personal time together.

Regular sit-down dinners, etc.

I am rarely #teamhubby but for this thread I see HIS side for once.

[Anonymous]

If your husband cheated (Emotional affair??!), then he has shown that he is not invested in you or his family the way that he should be.

Counseling will not eradicate all the damage his irresponsible actions have hurt you.

It is best to move on from this person who has caused you tremendous emotional pain & find someone who can be faithful and loyal to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think unstructured time is good for kids and, with so many planned activities these days, kids get too little of that kind of time.

I completely agree. I also agree with the poster who simply said, DH wants a wife. You’re not being a wife.

I was a kid who was limited to one activity at a time. Yes, this meant choosing. But this allowed me to be a good teammate for the sport I chose that season (I.e., not missing practices or games yet expecting to play, being there and working hard, not being distracted by other obligations) and taught me to be dedicated and focused. It allowed me down time to get all of my homework done and get good grades. And I also had time for my family and to spend with my friends—which was usually constructive, bike riding with friends or making up games to play with my brother. All great things.

You may be having sex with your husband (though with a 3 year old living in the room? WTF, how does this work?) but you’re not being a wife. It doesn’t seem like you’re giving him ANY priority in your life. Don’t you want to model a loving, fun, healthy relationship for your kids? Would you want your daughter to marry a man who’s just there to cart kids around? Would you want your sons to marry a woman who treated him like a taxi driver and maid? He needs nurturing and attention, too. We all do. It’s not weak to say so. The only people that would make fun of him for wanting attention from you are insecure because they know they’re treating their husband—you know, the man who is supposed to be your one true love—poorly.