Let's play "Who is Right?": flying a dying relative across the country via coach versus first class

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sorry, since it’s convoluted I didn’t include that SIL and BIL spent the past three weeks here with us, helping to look after FIL. But because of work and so on they can’t stay here until FIL dies, and that’s why she wants him moved to their place. She flew home a couple days early to “set up the house,” whatever that means, and BIL stayed behind and will fly with FIL. DH has a trial and can’t fly with them.

DH is angry that his father is dying. He and SIL don’t agree on how to take care of their father, and there is lots of friction between them, even before this. Emotions are running high.

To a couple other PPs: FIL is here legally, butvis nit eligible for Medicare or Medicaid. His cancer is too advanced for anything but palliative care at this point, so I think the main expenses will be nursing costs and medication.

So they will not be present when he dies. That happens. They need to deal with it, or take FMLA and come back.

Seriously, OP, you can't let this happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I work for Hospice. This story hurts my heart. You don't fly a dying patient across the country for convenience. You have no idea what could happen on that plane. This borders on elder abuse.

Not everyone has the option to keep their loved one. We had to do it and then put my MIL in a nursing home after we cared for her for a year and it got too much. If we left her there, my husband's brother was not willing to help, visit regularly or even care so we had no option but to move her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work for Hospice. This story hurts my heart. You don't fly a dying patient across the country for convenience. You have no idea what could happen on that plane. This borders on elder abuse.

Not everyone has the option to keep their loved one. We had to do it and then put my MIL in a nursing home after we cared for her for a year and it got too much. If we left her there, my husband's brother was not willing to help, visit regularly or even care so we had no option but to move her.

That's completely different. Sometimes you truly have no choice. In the OP's case, it's merely convenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Guys, OP and her husband aren’t fighting to keep him here, they are fighting over first class vs coach. The doctors said it was fine, apparently they think it’s fine also. Talk of court orders and elder abuse seems irrelevant.

It is relevant if they do not agree and want to keep Dad. I suspect OP doesn't want to keep Dad. First class is not relevant... who cares.

[Anonymous]

Who is POA, OP? Your DH or his sister? If DH is in charge of him and his finances, to hell with what his sister wants. If you and your DH want him with you, do not let him leave. If DH has a bad relationship with his cheap sister, how will he know if his dad is getting adequate care? It is time to get a lawyer involved, if need be. Do not send a person who needs hospice care in a plane. Especially one with dementia. Your FIL needs comfort, care, and stability. Heck, if I knew you, I’d call social services and report you for letting this awful situation progress. You may not be able to stop if, but your DH certainly can. Put on your big kid pants and do the right thing!

[Anonymous]

Op. Stand back and let your DH deal with this , you have no place. It is him and his sister

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. Sorry, since it’s convoluted I didn’t include that SIL and BIL spent the past three weeks here with us, helping to look after FIL. But because of work and so on they can’t stay here until FIL dies, and that’s why she wants him moved to their place. She flew home a couple days early to “set up the house,” whatever that means, and BIL stayed behind and will fly with FIL. DH has a trial and can’t fly with them.

DH is angry that his father is dying. He and SIL don’t agree on how to take care of their father, and there is lots of friction between them, even before this. Emotions are running high.

To a couple other PPs: FIL is here legally, butvis nit eligible for Medicare or Medicaid. His cancer is too advanced for anything but palliative care at this point, so I think the main expenses will be nursing costs and medication.

Incontinence and dementia on a cross country flight? Coach seat with 3 across? Airline size bathrooms? If he poo's how to clean up? If the BIL has to use the toilet who's going to watch him? Stick him and the BIL in first class - 2 seats in a row and take second helper in coach. Why didn't any of you get him insurance under ACA?


If there is a connecting flight with a slight layover 2 people can work on his diaper in the terminal family or handicap stalls. This stuff is always difficult even for a 1 hour car ride … why wasn't he moved before it got this bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Guys, OP and her husband aren’t fighting to keep him here, they are fighting over first class vs coach. The doctors said it was fine, apparently they think it’s fine also. Talk of court orders and elder abuse seems irrelevant.

It is relevant if they do not agree and want to keep Dad. I suspect OP doesn't want to keep Dad. First class is not relevant... who cares.

OP said she thinks this is “nuts” and that her preference was to keep him in place, but that’s SIL is “adamant” that he be moved.

[Anonymous]

DH is furious that they "cheaped out"

OP, you have an icky family. How about having a reasonable conversation and not making accusations
Ultimately, if you disagree, you disagree. And in this case, whoever accompanies FIL, has the burden of care on them. I'd say they can choose. You're right that it's totally worth it to book First Class, but it's not worth a family disagreement, name calling and trashy talk.

[Anonymous]

First.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Cancer. No health insurance. Impending death. Only $80k to pay for everything sounds like coach to me. OTOH, dementia and incontinence sounds like he would not be flying across country. How in the world do you intend to care for him on a plane.

I agree.

He should stay put as was his original plan.

The plane flight might kill him, and then he dies on a crowded, stinky airline with a toddler kicking his seat and a viral video of his last moments complete with a stranger and flight attendant cussing it out over his diapers smelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no good/right/comfortable here, OP. The best thing you can do is keep yourself OUT of drama, don't create any drama, and be as supportive as you can. Don't pick a time like this to insert yourself, squabble or "be right."

There are some things "right" enough that are worth fighting over.

FIL not making this flight in this state is one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coach, he is going to need 24/7 care and that money is better used to hire a caretaker and to help SIL. You have no idea what is is like to care for someone in that situation. They should get hospice in if they can get him health insurance, which generally covers it - medicare pays hospice but they are not full time providers in less you stay in the hospice home. You and your husband get no opinion as you are not willing to step up and care for him. You are greedy.

Did you not read anything?

OP and her husband want to provide the best care possible.

SIL wants to save money so there is maximum inheritance left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems ridiculous to me that he is being flown somewhere at all in his condition.

First class vs coach feels like the meaningless distinction here.

+1

My 76-year old father just passed away from terminal cancer this year and sounds like he was in better shape than your FIL right up to the end—and no way in hell would we be flying him cross country or any trip.

It’s cruel and almost criminal to be doing this to this man in his condition.

It doesn’t sound like he may even make the flight, or might pass away on it.

I hope he has plenty of morphine for the pain.

[Anonymous]

Most chemo patients/immune compromised would not be flying on a crowded plane.