Told DH I’m no longer attracted to him

[Anonymous]

You are a vain little shit aren't you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are a vain little shit aren't you.

You gained 80 pounds, didn't you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex-wife tried that routine on me when we were still married: telling me I was unattractive and no one else would ever want me. A few years out of the relationship and I've taken almost two dozen women to bed, and a few of them have been almost 30 years younger than me.

High school girls have no shame!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm DH's second wife. This sounds very familiar to his first wife who would complain he wouldn't work out, wasn't sexy, didn't want to do fitness stuff with her all the time. That's why they divorced, they just were no longer attracted to each other and had different goals for weekend activities. Yes, he's got a dad-bod, but I dig it, and we've been happily married now for almost 10 years and have 2 kids. We go for family walks nightly, but none of us are running a marathon anytime soon.

OP here. The number of opinions and conjecture about my life are entertaining. I exercise 4 days a week, during my work day. I lost 10lbs by cleaning up my diet, specifically stopping the 5 lunches out every week. I couldn't tell you the last time I did "fitness stuff" on the weekend or expected DH to join me. He's also 5'11" and 300 pounds, so we're well beyond dad-bod at this point.

To answer some of the other questions:
I make 4x what he does, and no, he does not contribute to our quality of life. Since being released from his last steady job (due to an action he took), he has been happily underemployed, enjoying the free time to sleep in and work minimal hours.

When we met, he was in a high-risk job. Had he been injured on the job, that would be different than him just being too lazy to get his life together. Same for if he was genuinely sick and not just glutonous.

His temper seems to be a family trait, as his brother is the same way. They both respond with the most extreme thing they can come up with. Ex-SIL finally gave up. I really don't think there is any amount of drugs or counseling that can change him, especially since he doesn't want to be changed. He thinks this threatening behavior is fine.

Quite honestly, if we divorce and he wants to lose 100lbs to go after some hot young thing, good for him. It won't change all of his negative traits.

Fortunately, I was already working longer hours this week so I could take a long weekend, so I won't have to see him much.

I'm very sorry OP. It's time to move on as hard as that is. He isn't going to change, probably has depression (if he won't even walk the dog there is real struggle there), and has anger issues. I hope you find someone awesome!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Children? It matters. BTW Op, the issue of attraction .. that's on you. That's your problem. If you're that shallow. Why do sex?

It really doesn't. Staying for the kids is so wrong. My parents did this until both my brother & I were out of HS and I was out of college. You think you're putting on a good show, but the kids know. They can feel the tension, they hear the cleverly disguised barbs, trust me on this. Life was better afterward because we didn't have two miserable parents full of hatred for each other. It was just toxic.

Also, it's kind of a dick move to let it be known that you only stayed for the kids. How do you think I feel knowing that my mom and dad each suffered for 10+ years just for me? It's not great. Therapy has been helpful, though.

[Anonymous]

OP, when you got married it was for better or worse. Obviously there is a lot more going on than his weight, and his reaction ("I want a divorce") was clearly to lash out due to anger/humiliation/retaliation.

I think you and he need to find better ways of communicating to address some of the root issues. Perhaps the focus should be less on whether you are attracted to him and more about his overall health and longevity. Likewise, effective communication about what each of you contributes to your life and relationship, your respective needs, etc. Maybe a counselor could help you with that.

[Anonymous]

OP, get out before some health crisis hits him and you will be taking care of him out of guilt as it doesn't look like there is any love left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a vain little shit aren't you.

You gained 80 pounds, didn't you.

Not at all. But I married for love, not looks.

[Anonymous]

Dear OP - what made you want to marry him way back when? He sounds terrible, so what changed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP - what made you want to marry him way back when? He sounds terrible, so what changed?

He was very different. Very dedicated at work, ambitious, excited about future things like buying our first home, kids, trips we’d take. About 2 years in, he found out something in regards to his dad’s favoritism, and that seems to have set the dominos tumbling.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry, OP, but I'm calling it on this marriage. Dead, dead, dead.

Start the wheels moving on the divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear OP - what made you want to marry him way back when? He sounds terrible, so what changed?

He was very different. Very dedicated at work, ambitious, excited about future things like buying our first home, kids, trips we’d take. About 2 years in, he found out something in regards to his dad’s favoritism, and that seems to have set the dominos tumbling.

It's that weird how one thing can derail someone? Sorry OP. I hope a year from now you are super happy and relieved to be rid of him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are a vain little shit aren't you.

You gained 80 pounds, didn't you.

Not at all. But I married for love, not looks.

Don't tell us that you hate the way your spouse looks, but love him anyway. You can love the looks of the fat person. OP liked an overweight one, but not an obese one.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]Two years ago after 17 years of marriage, I got diagnosed with MS. I'm exhausted all the time, and I've gained some weight. I try and eat healthy, but sometimes I just want simple carbs. I also have to walk with a cane now. DH has to help me significantly after my treatments. Our sex life is different, less exciting, and less frequent than before as I have limitations now. He still loves me as much as the day he married me because we are together in sickness and in health, and I feel the same way. If you don't have the same level of love and compassion for each other as when you married each other, you need to think long and hard about whether you guys can reclaim that (therapy, communication workshops, etc) OR if you should decouple.

Having seen loved ones go through cancer, ALS, and from my personal experience, I advise people considering marriage that your spouse is now your family. If in their time of need, you won't help them use the restroom, take a sponge bath, or change their catheter, etc., then you shouldn't be married as that is true love. I firmly believe marriage should be about true love, and true love does take work and compassion. [/quote]

That’s LOVE!!!

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous]OP, when you got married it was for better or worse. Obviously there is a lot more going on than his weight, and his reaction ("I want a divorce") was clearly to lash out due to anger/humiliation/retaliation.

I think you and he need to find better ways of communicating to address some of the root issues. Perhaps the focus should be less on whether you are attracted to him and more about his overall health and longevity. Likewise, effective communication about what each of you contributes to your life and relationship, your respective needs, etc. Maybe a counselor could help you with that.[/quote]
+1