I would die for my kids, so I stay for them

[Anonymous]

The bottom line is there isn't always a clear answer. Putting aside abuse or something equally horrible, it's not always obvious what the best solution is. Some will say it's horrible to put kids through a "sham" marriage and they'll feel so betrayed later. While others will say it's horrible not to have two married parents and the fall out of step families, and bitter divorce, etc. was horrific. I've heard on this message board some people find 'true' love once they get out of their first marriages. I've also heard from single women friends that were divorced or separated that there's no "good" men left as the good ones may currently be in relationships themselves (i.e, married). No relationship is perfect, so it's hard to say what people should do. OP, we've all been there though.

[Anonymous]

You are my mom.

She is now 70 and my dad has dementia and she is "staying because he sick" always some excuse why she won't leave him.

You are a martyr OP. Should have left years ago. The kids know.

We think you are pathetic.

[Anonymous]

My parents got divorced with three teenagers in the house. There were some awkward years afterwards. But we all came out on the other side not only good, but better.

I learned to see my parents as real people, with wants and needs. Not just as people there to make my life easier. I blamed my dad for awhile, now as an adult, I understand much more why he made some of the choices he did.

They both have new spouses now. Who are much better for each of them. They are still wonderful co-parents/grand parents to the three of us and our 6 children. We all vacation together and everyone gets along.

I respect them both for NOT sticking it out, even though I'm sure inertia would have carried them many more years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what's worse? zero passion plus sex.

+ one million.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You know what's worse? zero passion plus sex.

+ one million.

So those of you that do have sex without passion, do you just hate sex? Or hate it with a partner you no longer feel anything for? Do you lay there and fantasize about someone else? Seriously this idea of such terrible sex with your partner is so sad, and I would hope fixable

[Anonymous]

I am now convinced there are two types of repeated trolls on this board:

1) The man posing as a woman saying "I wished I settled down in my 20s"

2) The divorced woman posing as a child of an intact family saying "I wished my parents who by all appearances got along well got divorced so they could have modeled twu wuv for me."

"Shuttling between mom and dad's house on every other Wednesday in months ending in J is totes worth it so mom can have passionate sex again" Said no kid, ever.

OP, you are making the right decision for you. Divorce is neither the catastrophic nor the no biggie that the extremes paint it to be, but it does lead to worse outcomes for kids, on average. Even the best marriages have really deep ruts. Even when you don't want to, try and rekindle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are my mom.

She is now 70 and my dad has dementia and she is "staying because he sick" always some excuse why she won't leave him.

You are a martyr OP. Should have left years ago. The kids know.

We think you are pathetic.

People on this site are evil. Leave a man with dementia are you daft.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am now convinced there are two types of repeated trolls on this board:

1) The man posing as a woman saying "I wished I settled down in my 20s"

2) The divorced woman posing as a child of an intact family saying "I wished my parents who by all appearances got along well got divorced so they could have modeled twu wuv for me."

"Shuttling between mom and dad's house on every other Wednesday in months ending in J is totes worth it so mom can have passionate sex again" Said no kid, ever.

OP, you are making the right decision for you. Divorce is neither the catastrophic nor the no biggie that the extremes paint it to be, but it does lead to worse outcomes for kids, on average. Even the best marriages have really deep ruts. Even when you don't want to, try and rekindle it.

Don't forget the oldie but goodie: everyone who disagrees with me is a troll!

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I don't think these are trolls, but they are immature adults who are projecting and doing wishful thinking.

Kids do not give a damn whether your sex life is good. Stop trying to rationalize. If you want to divorce, do so, but don't pretend your kids will be happy about their home and family coming apart.

Did you like to even think about your parents' sex life and how hot it is? Or did you want reasonable harmony and stability and to have everyone together?

That's what it sounds like OP has, so as long as she can handle her choices, she's doing the best thing for the most people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:yeah, clearly, it's an excellent idea to REGULARLY sit down a ten-year old and say, you see, daddy and I are living an atypical, unhealthy, less than ideal marriage - all for you! Make sure yours isn't like that! That'll fix them.

Morons.

OP, there is nothing wrong or atypical in your marriage. Most people married for 15+ years are there. If you are amiable roommates, you are way ahead of the population. If there is no strife or abuse at the house, if you function well as a family, if you are providing a stable happy home for your children, then what else can you possibly wish for? Do you think that there are dozens of Fabios waiting outside your door simply DYING to discover a passionate connection with a 40+ mother of three? What are you going to tell the kids? Daddy was nice to me but I left him because no butterflies?

Wake up. Find a way to connect with your DH. Or don't. What you have doesn't sound so bad.

Sex would be nice. But I'd settle for affection. Not getting either right now. But then I look at our children, and the idea of divorce - which would hurt them - hurts like hell. No good choices here. It is going to suck either way.

So go and give your DH a kiss. Sit next to him. Hold his hand. What are you waiting for, an affection package in the mail?

+1 . What happens when you try this?

[Anonymous]

Ignore the abusers on this site. You have lots of company. I know many people who stay in marriages for their kids, then feel too old and tired to even consider a divorce and the sacrifice of lifestyle that almost always comes with it, especially for women. Find some hobbies and female friends who can provide you with companionship. Try to be kind to your husband. We went through many years like this but now have occasional moments of happiness due to our beautiful grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

To OP: I know how you feel and I am in the same boat. Three kids, rocky marriage, some ups and many long downs that leaves us exahusted and resentful. But thru all of that, my kids adore their dad. He is a good man, a great dad...but sucks as a husband. I decided to divorce him...just a few weeks back, thinking i have a right to feel love and passion, right?, I think we are just not for each other...but then I think of our kids, and we do have a stable family, most fights happen at night etc. The kids see that our marriage is not perfect...and but then they sometimes ask but mom, you guys fight but love each other right? you willNOT divorce? they ask this...
the bigger problem for us is that I am European and he is US. if i divorce him, I want to live back in Europe, he was the only reason for me to move to the US ...I never came here b/c of a true desire to live here. He would never live in my country b/c of language. So if we divorce one of us has to live in country they dont want to be in...adding another level of complexity. sigh
if he was a jerk, divorce would be easier. but alas, he is a decent guy. we went to counseling, tried...but the long and deep downs always come back and suck all happiness out. and then it improves for a bit...

[Anonymous]

Another mommy martyr on a parenting website

Get off of your high horse OP

If you want to stay good for you but that doesn't mean your choice is better than anyone elses

My parents divorced and it was the best thing that could happened

It is sad that you need to seek so much external validation for your choices from an anonymous website.

[Anonymous]

There are plenty of us children of divorce who experienced mom and dad married, went through a divorce, and came out of it realizing we are okay and it was for the best.

It doesn’t mean we sat around thinking about their sex lives or whether they were experiencing true love.

It means, with the he benefit of hindsight, we are able to see that everyone was happier and healthier after this breakup.

Kids aren’t as dumb as you all think. They are selfish, yes, but that doesn’t mean you give them whatever they want.

I don’t have an issue with people working through marital issues, but if you’ve given up, I don’t see how that fake marriage benefits your kids in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Everyone blaming OP for her kids future relationship woes just stop. She's made a rational choice and knows better than us what the family scene is like. And there is no evidence that kids grow up more damaged in a home with a respectful but loveless marriage than with divorced parents. Plus all of you assume she is just immediately going to find true love and model it for her kids when the reality is that she has 3 kids, dating is not easy. There are risks, her ex meets someone who doesn't like the kids, wants more, has a couple already. Shuttling back and forth through middle and high school sucks, plus there are financial considerations if 3 homes large enough for 3 kids.