Does anyone else think it sucks that adultery doesn't factor into child custody??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, did your lawyer say you "could" lose custody? They have to be honest with you about possibilities and can't promise certain results.

If his parents are living with him to "help raise the children" that may not bode well for him (it didn't for my ex who tried that argument - motherhood is NOT a popularity contest test and mom doesn't get replaced by grandma because dad can't be bothered to actually parent), so use that to your advantage.

Unless you left the marital home and didn't take the children with you (or without a temporary custody plan firmly in place), you probably have nothing to worry about and will likely get at least 50% time with your kids.

Of course he now has more adult witnesses in his household who can testify to all the awful things mom does to the kids. At least that's what my lawyer told me.

Huh? Are you OP? What awful things? If you are throwing temper tantrums - STOP NOW. And, how old are the kids? His parents are going to be viewed by the court as biased. Please just go through the motions calmly so as not to bias your case. Ignore his parents, do your thing, and get therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it sucks, but not because of the sex. Let me explain.

Financial resources are stolen from kids to fund affairs. My dad funded his infidelities and an eventual second family with funds that should have gone to the three kids he already had. My best friend's dad had an affair with a grad student that not only was no-tell hotel money and gifts but in the end got him fired and resulted in the kids living in a crappy neighborhood on FARMs. My own ex-H ran up thousands on our CC and hundreds on our cell phone bill alone to fuel his EA. Look how many men had paid Ashley Madison accounts. That's money misappropriated from the family.

Time and energy diverted from the family. All three men I mentioned made up meetings, work trips, and other excuses to be with the OW. That's time they should have been with the kids.

Women have affairs and destroy families too.

NP here. Yes, and most of these posters are making the assumption that the husband is the unfaithful partner. However, the court system is fair in that unfaithful mothers also do not lose their custody solely on the basis of the infidelity. The courts do not care if either partner committed adultery, the courts only care about what is best for the children from the point where the case lands in court. A person's infidelity does not have a direct bearing on their capability as a parent whether they are male or female.

[Anonymous]

People hurt their spouses and ruin their marriages in all sorts of ways, infidelity doesn't have sole claim to that crown. It is the rare divorce where both parties say the other person was a great spouse and totally blameless, it just didn't work out. People getting divorce are hurt and/or angry, and they each blame the other for some part of what happened. It does no one, least of all the kids, any good to ask judges to start adjudicating who was more wrong in a marriage and then allocating custody based on each party's share of the blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree wholeheartedly with OP. Adulters should be punished. They don't deserve their children, and their children don't need them.

It's a racket especially in this area. In the South and Midwest, the whole 50 / 50 thing is less so. Also, I've found most cheaters don't really want their kids around, they are too busy screwing their new partners to care.

The kids do need them. You too are a human who has done bad things and made mistakes. That does not lessen your kids' love for and need to have a relationship with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People hurt their spouses and ruin their marriages in all sorts of ways, infidelity doesn't have sole claim to that crown. It is the rare divorce where both parties say the other person was a great spouse and totally blameless, it just didn't work out. People getting divorce are hurt and/or angry, and they each blame the other for some part of what happened. It does no one, least of all the kids, any good to ask judges to start adjudicating who was more wrong in a marriage and then allocating custody based on each party's share of the blame.

It is a false equivalence to claim that infidelity ruins marriage and the victim spouse also does things to ruin the marriage.

Yes, it's true that we are all human and, therefore, imperfect. When humans are open and transparent about their feelings, activities and needs/wishes, problems can be negotiated and solved. And, where an attempt to negotiate/solve a problem fails, individuals have an ability to make a judgement whether they want to remain in the relationship or end it.

The abusive nature of cheating lies in the deceit and manipulation involved. The cheater deliberately hides behavior that impacts the spouse and kids. The cheater unilaterally decides to direct money and resources away from the family. But, normally, lies are told to cover this, so a spouse never has any input or chance to negotiate about those choice. The cheater lies because they do not want to allow the victim spouse any decision-making control about how the victim spouse will react to the cheating.

So, saying, "you won't have sex with me (or any other "wrong"), and therefore you committed a wrong in the marriage, and I am entitled to commit a wrong also," is a false equivalence. Yes, each party commits a "wrong against the marriage," but only one person is doing so in secret, creating a situation where conflict cannot be negotiated/solved.

I think the only "equivalence" would be if the victim spouse was also doing something in secret, like spending huge amounts of money. But, in any case, as my momma taught me, "two wrongs don't make a right."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So in effect, you're saying adulterers should be punished by wielding their children like pawns, and while you're at it, their innocent children should be punished, too.

The dad in this case already punished his kids and changed their lives forever.

As accurate as you'd like that to be, dad did nothing to his kids. Dad stepped out on his marriage, which I know is hard for DCUM to believe, but that's separate from his kids. He failed in keeping vows to the mother of his children, yes, but has not directly failed his children.

Oh please completely inaccurate. He was a lousy dad and failed the family. It changes the entire families lives, not just the wife he cheated on. A cheater cheats on the family and their lives are affected for many years. Why so many kids disown the cheater that left the family. See that all the time.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else think its ridiculous that people expect life to be fair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone else think its ridiculous that people expect life to be fair?

I think that it's ridiculous that because life is not fair, people use that as an excuse to treat other people poorly and use it to justify themselves when they use their position of power to manipulate others. Do I expect it to be fair? No, but even though life is not fair, I still think that people who behave unfairly are scum.

[Anonymous]

I just wish there was a rule about meeting "boyfriends"/"girlfriends" for 1 year.

That what totally f's up the kids, the parading of multiple partners through their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:People hurt their spouses and ruin their marriages in all sorts of ways, infidelity doesn't have sole claim to that crown. It is the rare divorce where both parties say the other person was a great spouse and totally blameless, it just didn't work out. People getting divorce are hurt and/or angry, and they each blame the other for some part of what happened. It does no one, least of all the kids, any good to ask judges to start adjudicating who was more wrong in a marriage and then allocating custody based on each party's share of the blame.

It is a false equivalence to claim that infidelity ruins marriage and the victim spouse also does things to ruin the marriage.

Yes, it's true that we are all human and, therefore, imperfect. When humans are open and transparent about their feelings, activities and needs/wishes, problems can be negotiated and solved. And, where an attempt to negotiate/solve a problem fails, individuals have an ability to make a judgement whether they want to remain in the relationship or end it.

The abusive nature of cheating lies in the deceit and manipulation involved. The cheater deliberately hides behavior that impacts the spouse and kids. The cheater unilaterally decides to direct money and resources away from the family. But, normally, lies are told to cover this, so a spouse never has any input or chance to negotiate about those choice. The cheater lies because they do not want to allow the victim spouse any decision-making control about how the victim spouse will react to the cheating.

So, saying, "you won't have sex with me (or any other "wrong"), and therefore you committed a wrong in the marriage, and I am entitled to commit a wrong also," is a false equivalence. Yes, each party commits a "wrong against the marriage," but only one person is doing so in secret, creating a situation where conflict cannot be negotiated/solved.

I think the only "equivalence" would be if the victim spouse was also doing something in secret, like spending huge amounts of money. But, in any case, as my momma taught me, "two wrongs don't make a right."

I think you're projecting a whole lot onto my post that wasn't there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So in effect, you're saying adulterers should be punished by wielding their children like pawns, and while you're at it, their innocent children should be punished, too.

The dad in this case already punished his kids and changed their lives forever.

As accurate as you'd like that to be, dad did nothing to his kids. Dad stepped out on his marriage, which I know is hard for DCUM to believe, but that's separate from his kids. He failed in keeping vows to the mother of his children, yes, but has not directly failed his children.

So he indirectly failed his children, by failing to keep his vows to their mom.

The result is the same: their lives are torn up.

This is a distinction without a difference.

So anyone not directly tending to their marriage indirectly fails their children. Half the petty, unfounded, rage on this board actually more directly impacts the children, but arguably indirectly fails them. So does that get to count too?

Yep. In general, work on your marriage directly. That's common sense even if there are no kids. Calling it "indirect" because you're "failing to keep your vows" is a cop-out and red herring for people who are actually doing direct harm by cutting and leaving without trying to work things out.

This has to be spelled out for you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it sucks, but not because of the sex. Let me explain.

Financial resources are stolen from kids to fund affairs. My dad funded his infidelities and an eventual second family with funds that should have gone to the three kids he already had. My best friend's dad had an affair with a grad student that not only was no-tell hotel money and gifts but in the end got him fired and resulted in the kids living in a crappy neighborhood on FARMs. My own ex-H ran up thousands on our CC and hundreds on our cell phone bill alone to fuel his EA. Look how many men had paid Ashley Madison accounts. That's money misappropriated from the family.

Time and energy diverted from the family. All three men I mentioned made up meetings, work trips, and other excuses to be with the OW. That's time they should have been with the kids.

Women have affairs and destroy families too.

Never said they don't. But the parents I know who did were all men. Those are the examples I can give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it sucks, but not because of the sex. Let me explain.

Financial resources are stolen from kids to fund affairs. My dad funded his infidelities and an eventual second family with funds that should have gone to the three kids he already had. My best friend's dad had an affair with a grad student that not only was no-tell hotel money and gifts but in the end got him fired and resulted in the kids living in a crappy neighborhood on FARMs. My own ex-H ran up thousands on our CC and hundreds on our cell phone bill alone to fuel his EA. Look how many men had paid Ashley Madison accounts. That's money misappropriated from the family.

Time and energy diverted from the family. All three men I mentioned made up meetings, work trips, and other excuses to be with the OW. That's time they should have been with the kids.

Women have affairs and destroy families too.

Never said they don't. But the parents I know who did were all men. Those are the examples I can give.

In the cases I know of (including my own) where the wife cheats, the husband often forgives so there is no divorce. Husbands don't go to social media to brag/complain that their wife cheated on them. The also don't tell their friends or families because they don't want them to know they are a cuck.

In the cases where the husband cheats, he's often driven to cheat by a lousy wife who is trying to get him to quit the marriage. Classic behavior by this type of wife is to cut off sex. Look up "exit affair".

[Anonymous]

Boy .. I feel sorry for the 72 percent of black children born out of wedlock. This thread really looks down on that f'd up group.