Reply to Does anyone else think it sucks that adultery doesn't factor into child custody??

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Reply to "Does anyone else think it sucks that adultery doesn't factor into child custody??"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]People hurt their spouses and ruin their marriages in all sorts of ways, infidelity doesn't have sole claim to that crown. It is the rare divorce where both parties say the other person was a great spouse and totally blameless, it just didn't work out. People getting divorce are hurt and/or angry, and they each blame the other for some part of what happened. It does no one, least of all the kids, any good to ask judges to start adjudicating who was more wrong in a marriage and then allocating custody based on each party's share of the blame.[/quote]

It is a false equivalence to claim that infidelity ruins marriage and the victim spouse also does things to ruin the marriage.

Yes, it's true that we are all human and, therefore, imperfect.  When humans are open and transparent about their feelings, activities and needs/wishes, problems can be negotiated and solved.  And, where an attempt to negotiate/solve a problem fails, individuals have an ability to make a judgement whether they want to remain in the relationship or end it.

The abusive nature of cheating lies in the deceit and manipulation involved.  The cheater deliberately hides behavior that impacts the spouse and kids.  The cheater unilaterally decides to direct money and resources away from the family.  But, normally, lies are told to cover this, so a spouse never has any input or chance to negotiate about those choice.  The cheater lies because they do not want to allow the victim spouse any decision-making control about how the victim spouse will react to the cheating.

So, saying, "you won't have sex with me (or any other "wrong"), and therefore you committed a wrong in the marriage, and I am entitled to commit a wrong also," is a false equivalence.  Yes, each party commits a "wrong against the marriage," but only one person is doing so in secret, creating a situation where conflict cannot be negotiated/solved.

I think the only "equivalence" would be if the victim spouse was also doing something in secret, like spending huge amounts of money.  But, in any case, as my momma taught me, "two wrongs don't make a right." 
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