Does anyone else think it sucks that adultery doesn't factor into child custody??

[Anonymous]

I think it sucks. My ex DH broke up our family with his affairs and because I could only find a home that I could afford outside the school district (but still very close by) and because he has parents living with him to help with child care, I stand a small chance of losing physical custody of my children because it could be viewed that uprooting them from that district and their home and the care they get as not "in their best interest". Plus, because of that, I'll have to pay child support. How is that fair??? He broke this family up!!! Adultery should absolutely be factored in to chains custody arrangements but it isn't. Does anyone know why and can convince me of the fairness of this?

[Anonymous]

I think joint custody is usually better for the kids (of course there are exceptions) no matter what the reason is for divorce. Punishing the cheating parent would often lead to punishing the kids. I'm sorry he did that to you.

[Anonymous]

Child custody isn't about what's fair for the adults. It's about what's fair for the kids, or at least it should be. Treating your kids like a reward or punishment for "behavior" isn't fair to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Child custody isn't about what's fair for the adults. It's about what's fair for the kids, or at least it should be. Treating your kids like a reward or punishment for "behavior" isn't fair to them.

New poster from an intact family.

It is not fair or what is best for the kids to have their dad break up the family with affairs then to rip custody away from mom to avoid paying child suppprt.

[Anonymous]

A lawyer told me that judges and other lawyers think affairs are normal, for the most part, and even more likely to penalize the victim.

[Anonymous]

Did he leave you for the OW, or did you divorce him because of the affairs?

[Anonymous]

Totally agree with you OP. I'm so sorry about this. I hope you have a tiger for a lawyer.

[Anonymous]

You moving out of district (but still nearby) shouldn't be a barrier to 50/50 custody, with them staying in the same school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child custody isn't about what's fair for the adults. It's about what's fair for the kids, or at least it should be. Treating your kids like a reward or punishment for "behavior" isn't fair to them.

New poster from an intact family.

It is not fair or what is best for the kids to have their dad break up the family with affairs then to rip custody away from mom to avoid paying child suppprt.

True. But as far as I can tell, him not having an affair isn't an option. That ship has sailed. So, the question needs to be "What's best for the kids of the options that actually exist". Maybe that's going with mom. Maybe it's joint custody. I can't say. But the judge needs to be looking at that question, and not the question of "who deserves the kids?" Because kids aren't prizes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Child custody isn't about what's fair for the adults. It's about what's fair for the kids, or at least it should be. Treating your kids like a reward or punishment for "behavior" isn't fair to them.

New poster from an intact family.

It is not fair or what is best for the kids to have their dad break up the family with affairs then to rip custody away from mom to avoid paying child suppprt.

True. But as far as I can tell, him not having an affair isn't an option. That ship has sailed. So, the question needs to be "What's best for the kids of the options that actually exist". Maybe that's going with mom. Maybe it's joint custody. I can't say. But the judge needs to be looking at that question, and not the question of "who deserves the kids?" Because kids aren't prizes.

And the kids are not weapons, nor are they balancing weights.

[Anonymous]

Except that sometimes the cheating spouse is the least to blame. Some sins are visible, and a lot are not.

Actually I agree with other PPs: the children's best practical interests are considered, not which spouse wronged which (and in that case, see above - sometimes it's not obvious).

[Anonymous]

I think it doesn't matter if someone cheated. We don't really want to get into comparing faults and penalizing parents for mistakes that affect their spouses but not their children.

[Anonymous]

It would be nice but its never going to happen. My husband's ex cheated on him, took the kids to live with her boyfriend. At some point CPS was involved as she was abusing his kids and yet, not a chance he could get custody. She refused visitation and just just told her to allow visitation with no consequences so of course she kept refusing.

Reality is they are cheating on you, not the kids. They are two issues - being a parent and spouse.

Your ex is not going to get custody over having his parents available to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Except that sometimes the cheating spouse is the least to blame. Some sins are visible, and a lot are not.

Actually I agree with other PPs: the children's best practical interests are considered, not which spouse wronged which (and in that case, see above - sometimes it's not obvious).

The cheating spouse is almost never the least to blame.

You might tell yourself that to excuse your infidelity, but that is just another lie to beneifit yourself.

[Anonymous]

Adultery is only your...the parent's concern. It doesn't affect his ability to maintain the home that they've always lived in...since it seems his keeping it. Why didn't you keep the home?