Women who are with men who are just not that into them- why?

[Anonymous]

I think some people stick with the devil they know vs. venturing out into the big scary world of being completely single and alone and possibly being that way forever. For some people, the fear of being alone short term and the risk of being single forever outweighs the possibility they might end up happier in the long run if they make a move.

For the most part, I'm the opposite. When something doesn't work for me, I get antsy to the point that everything the person does annoys me, and I end it.

BUT... there have been a few times in my life that I kept a friend-with-benefits situation that wasn't 100% perfect because I was getting something out of it - like good sex and decent company. I knew I wouldn't end up with the guy, but if I had no other prospects, I figured there was no real harm in hanging out a bit longer.

[Anonymous]

8:31 - really well said. A lot of self-proclaimed "nice guys" are actually just very passive and weak. You can be a good guy and not be a total pushover.

I think the trick for guys is to not hang out with a girl more than a couple/few times before asking her out. Meet her, see if she's someone you want to spend one-on-one time with, make that move and if she rejects you, decide if you like her enough to be friends anyway. I have some good guy friends who I rejected early on, and I'm 99% sure they aren't holding out some hope I'll change my mind. (hanging with me also ensures them access to my cool female friends, and they know they have my blessing.)

[Anonymous]

Low self-esteem, cultural expectations or family/peer pressure, financial needs

I know a woman who married her DH weeks after he was dumped by another woman. On her wedding day, before the ceremony, the woman received dozens of forwarded texts and emails between her fiancé and his ex where he described his bride as unattractive, boring, and desperate. She married him anyway. Six years later, they are still together. Two kids under 5. Which was what she wanted anyway because she was in her late 30s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who is cute as a button and has a quirky but endearing to all personality. She is gorgeous and I think could have her pick of men. But she is dating someone who refused to call her his girlfriend for MONTHS (she loves to tell this story as if it's adorable), and is generally rude to her and acts like she's a nuisance. The man is not traditionally attractive by most societal ideas of beauty- and not wealthy, etc- so it seems utterly baffling to me as to why she is with him. He seems to be annoyed by her very presence.

My question is- WHY does this happen? And if you were a woman in this kind of relationship what happened with it (i.e. still together, broke up, you realized you could do better, he ended it, etc) and why, psychologically, were you in it?

What about her relationship with her father, or long term father figure such as a step father? Also, what about her mother's relationship with a man/men while she grew up?

This. Most often, it's this. People, even without realizing it, gravitate toward what is familiar to them, what was their "normal" growing up. Either her father treated her that way or her father treated her mother that way, and it normalized that kind of relationship dynamic for her. It's comfortable to her.

The other possibility is that she was abused, neglected, had some sort of trauma growing up and has a deep down feeling of inadequacy, low self-worth.

I can testify to this. My divorced parents constantly put me down as far back as elementary school. I was handed to my grandmother as an infant and my parents just didn't like the way I turned out. I was blamed for the divorce, for not being attractive, for not maturing physically at the same rate as my friends, for being quiet/stupid. I am now a single parent and I either date men who don't want me or the feel unworthy of those who show interest. Every break up kills me. Every achievement I have had in adulthood is still played down by my dad. Think.....you should have bought a SFH instead of a townhome. You look better now because the last time I saw you was a disaster.
Most women attracted to jerks have deep deep deep seated issues.

You sound like the proverbial girl with daddy issues. Sad your life turned out this way. There are plenty of nice guys who would love you and share a life with you if you would allow it. Just keep dating those jerks and getting dumped on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a good friend who is cute as a button and has a quirky but endearing to all personality. She is gorgeous and I think could have her pick of men. But she is dating someone who refused to call her his girlfriend for MONTHS (she loves to tell this story as if it's adorable), and is generally rude to her and acts like she's a nuisance. The man is not traditionally attractive by most societal ideas of beauty- and not wealthy, etc- so it seems utterly baffling to me as to why she is with him. He seems to be annoyed by her very presence.

My question is- WHY does this happen? And if you were a woman in this kind of relationship what happened with it (i.e. still together, broke up, you realized you could do better, he ended it, etc) and why, psychologically, were you in it?

1. She lacks self esteem.
2. She doesn't realize what a good guy is.
3. She needs to experience all the assholes before realizing having a good/nice guy is the best.

[Anonymous]

All situations like this arise from a desperate lack of self esteem on the woman's part. We accept the love we think we deserve. I notice fantastic women who can get any guy they want end up with losers and average women marrying rich alpha men just based on their inner confidence and self worth.

I have two friends who are of comparable hotness. One has massive self esteem issues due to an emotionally and physically abusive family and the other has a very high self esteem due to being coddled by her loving and indulgent parents. The one with the low self esteem purposefully picks the guys she herself describes as "loserish" because she thinks she can mold him into who she wants him to be. The guys she REALLY wants shes terrified of because she thinks they're out of her league and will reject her anyway.

The other friend doesn't suffer fools and gives no guy the time of day unless they go out of the way and clearly demonstrate sincere interest and affection. She also has a high list of requirements her guy should meet. She says " I am awesome and I need to end up with someone awesome too!" He must have a good interesting high paid job. He must come from a nice well to do family. He must be preppy and privately educated etc etc.

She has been dating a Wharton MBA grad for 2 years very very happily.

Its all about confidence and standards.