If you are NOT close with your MIL

[Anonymous]

1. She lies and has told lies about me
2. She turns her nose up at others
3. I've heard her criticize numerous marriages, which is ironic considering hers is so horrible
4. Im wifey #2 and she still talks about wifey #1 being "crazy." she says the same thing about me too
5. Says antagonizing comments like puts down public schools even though She knows I went straight through public school.
6. Says really ugly things like how she doesn't live around Americans because her neighbors aren't white

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're just very different. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but she never talks about feelings - unless she's mad at someone. I think she's disingenuous and shallow. We had a baby that died, and while she would sometimes call my husband and ask how I was feeling, when we visited her shortly after it happened she seemed very uncomfortable when I had tears in my eyes and didn't want to talk about it. The whole family is like that. I don't feel like I can communicate with her in a meaningful way. Also, my parents are very generous and she has never offered to help us out in any way. We drive long distances to visit her, and I think she's paid for one dinner in the 4 years I've been married. She thinks it's a big deal that she buys a few extra groceries for us when we visit. On our last visit I very very politely asked her to buy some organic fruit. She completely ignored the request - and granted, we hadn't told her yet that I was pregnant (we told her when we arrived), but that should not have mattered. Also, she's a shitty cook. I feel like if you're going to be a homemaker instead of contributing to your household finances, then you should at least develop some domestic skills.

You had me 100% until you complained that she can't cook. That should have zero bearing on how you feel about her. As long as she's trying. Sheesh.

But everything else - I can relate to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why? Was she rude and/or not accepting? Rigid? Personality clashes? Control issues? Just not a nice person?

We have never been close. For the first few years (before we got married) I really tried, I went out of my way to include her... it bothered me that she and her son did not have a close relationship and I really tried to encourage them to get together more often as she lived in the same city as we did and my parents lived far away. I learned pretty early on that she is very selfish and unreliable. She is happiest when she feels like someone needs her and she can therefore control the relationship. My husband was very self sufficient and she did not like that he did not need her to do things for him. After we got married and had kids, I tried to include her but it seems like every few months she would do something that was just horribly rude or insulting. Also, she smokes like a chimney and her house smells like a huge ashtray.... she could not understand why I did not want my young children (one with asthma) to sleep at her house.

[Anonymous]

I'm just not good at being close to people. And I don't think she is either. We're cordial but neither of us tries very hard to be more than that. She also lives across the country so we only see her once a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because she makes little to no effort to know what's going on in my life. We spent three hours at her house this morning. In that time we expressed interest in how her week had been, her upcoming plans, her extended family, her health, and her job. She told us all about those things and also retold several stories she's told us literally 5 times in the last 2 months, as though we had never heard them. We also made small talk about food, the weather, and politics. Not once did she turn the conversation to anything about me, even basic things like what did you do yesterday. She did ask a couple basic questions about her grandson. It's sad because we actually have a bunch of good things going on in our lives she'd probably enjoy hearing about. But we just smiled and nodded and let her talk about herself.

Really, though, it's all for the best. The few times in the last 20 years we've looped her in on anything major going on with us, she's been incredibly annoying about it and never helpful in the least. We've both accepted it and have close relationships with other people who aren't so clueless.

OMG yes. She mostly wants to know stuff so she can give us advice we didn't ask for. So if she asks about your job, and you say something about it, she will give you advice. Now I just answer everything with "oh it's great, thanks for asking". My DH still stupidly tells her whatever is going on. And then she harps on it and he gets annoyed. Yeah, so stop telling her stuff!

[Anonymous]

She lives in a foreign country and does not speak English, and I speak very little Mandarin. I also do everything wrong according to her cultural standards and my DH is useless at cultural translation (or the other kind of translation, for that matter). He's never been able to please his mom, and so feels like I shouldn't even bother, yet kind of resents the end results. Similarly, he did not bother to teach our kids Mandarin, and now his parents are (understandably) resentful.

Having said this, it makes my life easier, for the most part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why? Was she rude and/or not accepting? Rigid? Personality clashes? Control issues? Just not a nice person?

All of the above and then some

[Anonymous]

Mine is so anal, when I was staying with her I put a few nuts in a bowl to have a snack; when I turned my back for a moment she took the nuts and put them in another bowl because that's the one she felt they should served in. She can't cook; she just sets a nice table. I hate her for no good reason. Maybe I blame her for all of my husband's bad behaviors.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why? Was she rude and/or not accepting? Rigid? Personality clashes? Control issues? Just not a nice person?

I'm not.....but she doesn't question my parenting skills or makes rude comments. She doesn't call/text me asking when they can see baby.

[Anonymous]

DH has two older sisters and a much younger brother. Oldest sister is 42, divorced, child-free. She was the golden child until the divorce - which was not even recent, she got married young and divorced relatively young - and is now basically out of their family - didn't even come to our wedding. Middle sister is 39, married, long-term infertile, without the money or level of health insurance to do much about it and they won't do foster care. DH is 37, and we are married with two kids. MIL is super freaking bitter and passive-aggressive about the fact that her daughters will never be able to give her grandchildren. I don't really care, and I just avoid her at all possible times. Middle sister is actually very nice and I know it affects her too.

[Anonymous]

She treated me very poorly (was very cold and dismissive) when we first met, for no reason that I'm aware of. That created a distance instantly. She also made lots of little jabs - for example, when my now-husband and I moved in together, she came to visit and told me stories about men who lived with women without a ring for years, then left them and married someone else in months. She also loved to tell him (in front of me) how she wasn't ready to be a grandma. Then once we got engaged and married, she started telling me how much she loved me, but at that point, after years of snippy comments and distance, I felt and still feel that it's fake and I do not respond in kind. I am friendly and civil and she is always welcomed during visits, but I don't trust her and keep my distance.

[Anonymous]

She is very sweet and kind, but too much of her drives me crazy. I like her but have to keep some distance. I think it's just that we have very different personalities.

She generally like to play helpless and has no shame in needing everything done for her by her husand or children. She likes to milk anything physically wrong and I think she's a bit of a hypochondriac for attention.

She has odd advice that I think is ridiculous. For example she thinks excercise is bad for you because it will give you arthritis and should be avoided. She is hesitant to pet our (indoor) dog because she says you'll get ticks. She dislikes being outdoors, it's always too hot, too cold, too windy or sunny, etc. She loves to talk extensively about whatever the latest study or doctor oz episode says is bad for you, and frequently sends us articles on what to look out for. DH is a big worrier and very cautious, so I think this bothers me more because I can see where he gets it from (but she is 10x worse). It makes for terribly tedious dinner conversation.

She also tends to think everything revolves around her, I don't think she means to, it's almost in a naive way. For example, we were talking about moving out of Georgetown to a close-in VA suburb to have more space and slightly shorter commutes (we both work in VA). They are in Bethesda/Chevy Chase, so we are not talking a far move, but she got very upset/in tears about how we should be moving closer to them because it'll be harder for her to visit, we'll regret it, blah blah. Despite us explaining her reasoning, she still sends real estate listings from her neighborhood everytime a house goes on the market.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She treated me very poorly (was very cold and dismissive) when we first met, for no reason that I'm aware of. That created a distance instantly. She also made lots of little jabs - for example, when my now-husband and I moved in together, she came to visit and told me stories about men who lived with women without a ring for years, then left them and married someone else in months. She also loved to tell him (in front of me) how she wasn't ready to be a grandma. Then once we got engaged and married, she started telling me how much she loved me, but at that point, after years of snippy comments and distance, I felt and still feel that it's fake and I do not respond in kind. I am friendly and civil and she is always welcomed during visits, but I don't trust her and keep my distance.

x10000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We're just very different. I wear my heart on my sleeve, but she never talks about feelings - unless she's mad at someone. I think she's disingenuous and shallow. We had a baby that died, and while she would sometimes call my husband and ask how I was feeling, when we visited her shortly after it happened she seemed very uncomfortable when I had tears in my eyes and didn't want to talk about it. The whole family is like that. I don't feel like I can communicate with her in a meaningful way. Also, my parents are very generous and she has never offered to help us out in any way. We drive long distances to visit her, and I think she's paid for one dinner in the 4 years I've been married. She thinks it's a big deal that she buys a few extra groceries for us when we visit. On our last visit I very very politely asked her to buy some organic fruit. She completely ignored the request - and granted, we hadn't told her yet that I was pregnant (we told her when we arrived), but that should not have mattered. Also, she's a shitty cook. I feel like if you're going to be a homemaker instead of contributing to your household finances, then you should at least develop some domestic skills.

You sound like a prima donna. Organic fruit because you're expecting? Get over yourself. If it was so important, you should've bought it yourself. You sound high maintenance and like a drama queen. Why should she pay for your dinner just because you go see her! Don't you have your own money? Ugh.

[Anonymous]

She has pitted DH against his brother in order to make them do things for her and SIL. Now DH and BIL are estranged. I have lost respect for her because of her manipulative ways.