If you are NOT close with your MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's nice, and there's no animosity or anything, but we're not close. I never contact her directly (I don't call/text her--DH does that).

We're very different people with very different personalities.

Same here. She's a lovely, sweet person and a doting grandmother. Who never stops talking. It literally gives me a headache when we visit them, because she and my FIL just talk, and talk, and talk....God forbid there is a moment of silence. I make conversation with her as much as I can stand, but there's only so much I can take. We just have very little in common.

Did I write this? Honestly, I think DH married me because I'm not a talker. Sometimes we'll be sitting at dinner with them and DH will just say, "Mom. No one else has said a word in the last 10 minutes. Literally. This is a lecture, not a conversation."

She's a HS teacher, so I get that she often has one-sided conversations, but it's unreal.

This is mine as well. She NEVER stops talking. It's very grating.

Plus she is extremely overbearing over my DH which I find very insulting. She tries to treat him like a child and orders him to do this because she is his mother and he will always be her child. Those are her words, not mine. He's 30 btw and a father himself.

[Anonymous]

Wow it's interesting how many of the PPs have the same issue - I too have a MIL that talks incessantly AT me, to the point that it's just draining. Like a previous poster said, rarely do I leave a conversation feeling like I was heard or she had an interest in what I think...she just talks at me and over me and it's nonstop, seriously I feel my heart rate rising as I write this. It's tough because in theory I'd really love to have a good relationship, but can't seem to find a happy medium. She only has sons and when we started getting serious she told me how thrilled she was at the idea of having a 'like a daughter' DIL - which is great! And I do feel bad that we don't have that. But...if I call her, she seriously talks at me nonstop for 90+ minutes. She's impossible to get off the phone...and we hang up with me having heard endless pointless stories about her neighbor's kid's Facebook friend's friend...and her not even knowing what our weekend plans are. It's exhausting. I WISH I could call her and have a quick 15/20 minute catch up chat; I'd happily call once a week if that was the case. But I just don't have the time or energy for a 2 hour call every week, and it's icing on the cake that she has no social awareness - I truly feel like she barely knows me, even after 8 years.

The other big thing is that she gossips, a LOT, about other relatives (BIL, cousins, BIL's girlfriend, etc.). I think there's a chance she's doing it to try and be close to me...but she routinely tells me very personal details that were definitely shared with her in confidence (and make me feel weird to even know), so I'm hesitant to share a lot with her because I know it will be blabbed to everyone. It keeps a wall up

It sucks though! I know it hurts her that we're not closer, and in theory I'd really like us to be. It's also hard because I'm extremely close to my mom and she's bummed she'll never be on that level. But at the same time...that's kind of just how it is.

[Anonymous]

My MIL and I tolerate eachother. We are very different and that's just the way it is. She loves our children and they love her, so that works out fine. We simply have nothing in common. I love her son and that is why she tolerates me.

[Anonymous]

I love my MIL, and I will be there for her whenever she needs me.

But I am no longer close to her. She is too sensitive for me. It's draining and irritating. I used to be very tolerant of her drama until a few recent events, in which I noticed that she is not as nice to others like I would expect someone that sensitive to be(she and I have personally never had any issues, but I can't stand the level of hypocrisy). It's impossible for me to listen to her drama anymore because I judge her now that I know she does not treat others nearly as nice as she expects to be treated.

I still love her though, but I will no longer listen to her drama. I can't have an honest discussion about this stuff with her as I would with my mother(my mother and I are very close because we are honest with each other even when the truth hurts) because she will probably cry and tell the whole world that I was mean to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why? Was she rude and/or not accepting? Rigid? Personality clashes? Control issues? Just not a nice person?

My MIL is very closed off. She thrives on crisis and drama, but not in an obvious way. Externally, she's a very self-controlled southern lady. However, if anyone questions her decisions or way of thinking, she flips!

She is a fundamentalist Christian, and becoming more devout by the day. Everything she doesn't have an answer for is met with "we just have to give it to God." She's a Trump supporter. She has intense anxiety which makes even small talk really difficult.

I do love my husband but if I had it all to do over again, I probably would have found a partner with a more functional family.

[Anonymous]

MIL initially comes across as spontaneous and fun-loving, but she has a much darker side and is intensely stubborn. We also parent very very differently. She is a completely free-reign, hands-off type; vs DH & I, who believe kids need a more gradual release of guidance and limits as they mature.

Over the years, she did three things to my DS (her GS, who is now 12) that were quite dangerous and more about 'proving' her point than having any regard for his safety - two were not life-threatening, but one was. The more outspoken DH & I became about limits for her interactions with DS, the more defensive she became, putting full blame on me. In the end, she started randomly coming over to our house to pull my husband aside and complain about me. When she finally claimed I was 'toxic' to my child, DH marched inside to collect her purse, shoved it at her and slammed the door in her face. Since then, we moved 8h away, and we haven't seen her face-to-face. DH & I communicate minimally with her, and she hasn't seen her GS in two years.

DH finally told me last year that there was one episode of creepy, borderline-sexual abuse that she committed toward him when he was a young teen and she was very angry. We've been together for almost 30 years - he said he was so embarrassed and ashamed about it that he didn't want to say it out loud during all of this time. It was apparently a one-off event that he never told anyone about at the time. Ever since that revelation, we agreed that she would never be allowed to remain alone with DS in the remote event that she actually sees him in person again.

[Anonymous]

My MIL and I get along well, and she is very nice; not to mention great with our kids.

But we are not close-close, and probably never will be, because she can't wrap her head around the fact that other people are different from her: mainly that she is extroverted and doesn't seem to recognize that some people are introverted.

She talks "at" people for hours, turns every conversation back to herself, tells the same stories over and over, and can't stand it when someone is alone. If I take 15 minutes for myself during the holidays, I can hear her asking, "Where's Larla? Has anyone seen Larla? Where is Larla hiding." If I say I was just laying down and reading the new book I got for Christmas for 15 minutes, she'll be like, "But we're supposed to be TOGETHER," never mind that we see them often, and have been TOGETHER for 3.5 days already!

She also ignores my taste/preferences, and tries to get me to conform to her ways. I just ignore, but the "pull" is constant.

She's nice, and I'm lucky. But I don't think I could ever be close to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL initially comes across as spontaneous and fun-loving, but she has a much darker side and is intensely stubborn. We also parent very very differently. She is a completely free-reign, hands-off type; vs DH & I, who believe kids need a more gradual release of guidance and limits as they mature.

Over the years, she did three things to my DS (her GS, who is now 12) that were quite dangerous and more about 'proving' her point than having any regard for his safety - two were not life-threatening, but one was. The more outspoken DH & I became about limits for her interactions with DS, the more defensive she became, putting full blame on me. In the end, she started randomly coming over to our house to pull my husband aside and complain about me. When she finally claimed I was 'toxic' to my child, DH marched inside to collect her purse, shoved it at her and slammed the door in her face. Since then, we moved 8h away, and we haven't seen her face-to-face. DH & I communicate minimally with her, and she hasn't seen her GS in two years.

DH finally told me last year that there was one episode of creepy, borderline-sexual abuse that she committed toward him when he was a young teen and she was very angry. We've been together for almost 30 years - he said he was so embarrassed and ashamed about it that he didn't want to say it out loud during all of this time. It was apparently a one-off event that he never told anyone about at the time. Ever since that revelation, we agreed that she would never be allowed to remain alone with DS in the remote event that she actually sees him in person again.

I am married to an incredible guy, but I think I have a crush on your husband for the bolded. Wow! What a man!

I am very close to my family, and I get along pretty well with my husband's. If anyone ever claimed I or my husband was toxic to our children without some serious allegation and evidence to back it up, I hope we have the sense to kick them out immediately.

[Anonymous]

I think the key part of having a difficult MIL is that the DH is not afraid of his family. It is awful when DH tries to please (ends up enabling) the abusive family members. PP whose DH stood up and did that - your DH is amazing because 1.) he owned/owns his and his family's sh*t and 2.) because he called MIL on it such that there was no question how the two of you feel. That was so amazing - I'm in love with him, too - he's a keeper!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have different life views. I am a SAHM and she had a very powerful and fulfilling career. She finds it hard to respect my choice. I actually REALLY respect working moms and try to tell her in subtle ways all the time. She did a great job raising her kids and it doesn't have to be like this. There is no right choice. But she raised her kids in the 70s and 80s when she got A LOT of shit from her peer group and generation above her about working in a powerful position. Its just in her to be bitter and angry. She spent so many years on the defense. Im hoping it doesn't stay such a defining divide but Im 5 years into SAH and it still really really bothers her.

This is my mom and I. She constantly makes comments about me being home. She does not help us in any way and only sees the kids at her choice, not on the rare occasion we might need help. If its an emergency, we've had other relatives fly in to help while she is 5 minutes away.

I am very close to my MIL. She has dementia and I cared for her as long as I could in my home and now I do a lot for her in the nursing home - shop, visit 1-2 times a week, mange her money, take care of her room. I want to set a good example for my kids on how to treat someone when they need help as that may be me one day. She was always very nice to me. She and my husband were very distant.

[Anonymous]

It's comforting to know I'm not the only one with a MIL who never shuts up. Mine is soooo socially awkward. She lives in a rural area and just doesn't get out much. She talks at me and once every 15 mins or so she asks me a question then continues on. My husband just tunes her out but I feel like that's not something I can get away with. It's draining. Even my 5 year old knows MIL is nuts...

[Anonymous]

Hmmm, mine is the opposite. She barely speaks except to scold someone, primarily my father in law. She is awful and none of the daughter/son in laws can stand her. Luckily DH sees her for what she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We have different life views. I am a SAHM and she had a very powerful and fulfilling career. She finds it hard to respect my choice. I actually REALLY respect working moms and try to tell her in subtle ways all the time. She did a great job raising her kids and it doesn't have to be like this. There is no right choice. But she raised her kids in the 70s and 80s when she got A LOT of shit from her peer group and generation above her about working in a powerful position. Its just in her to be bitter and angry. She spent so many years on the defense. Im hoping it doesn't stay such a defining divide but Im 5 years into SAH and it still really really bothers her.

This is my mom and I. She constantly makes comments about me being home. She does not help us in any way and only sees the kids at her choice, not on the rare occasion we might need help. If its an emergency, we've had other relatives fly in to help while she is 5 minutes away.

I am very close to my MIL. She has dementia and I cared for her as long as I could in my home and now I do a lot for her in the nursing home - shop, visit 1-2 times a week, mange her money, take care of her room. I want to set a good example for my kids on how to treat someone when they need help as that may be me one day. She was always very nice to me. She and my husband were very distant.

This is a great story, and your MIL must be truly, truly special (and treated you very well - at least normal, with no antagonism) for you to respond in kind like this.

My MIL is like your mother (above) - five minutes away, but wouldn't call her in an emergency, because it is all about her. Plus, MIL is not reliable, and can barely care for herself (she refuses any help). Meanwhile, she bends over backward for her "own" daughter, who runs MIL ragged, like we don't know. Which is fine, just don't pretend that you don't (especially when it is so obvious - the kids aren't stupid, they know). MIL acts like one phone call or one internet click is a bundle of help, moving mountains, for all she has done for them. I know MIL gets so easily overwhelmed (just like her daughter does) but gimme a break.

When I become a MIL, I have a few things I most certainly will NOT do - to not be offensive, for one - which is hopefully worth a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why? Was she rude and/or not accepting? Rigid? Personality clashes? Control issues? Just not a nice person?

I feel like she judges me. I have actually heard her make snide comments when she thought I was not there.

Also, she always makes my husband give her SPECIFIC ideas for my birthday and Christmas gifts. As if, "I don't want to be bothered getting to know her and actually put effort into thinking about what my DIL will want as a gift."

Whoa, you sound like you have a chip on your shoulder. She's just trying to get you something you'd like as a gift. A lot of people ask for specific gift suggestions. If she gets you the wrong thing, you'll complain that she's trying to insult you or doesn't care what you like, etc. She can't win with you.

No. No chip here, although I knew I would get that response. I don't even need a present!! Seriously.

[Anonymous]

DIL and MIL should not make "being close" the objective. You should respect each other, be kind to each other, and be considerate. Leave it at that.