How much does weight matter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's definitely the weight. Men also joke that women don't get thinner than when you get married. So if she's 50lbs overweight, she's likely to gain a lot more once married.

Men joke this? Huh.

Actually, I weight about 20 pounds less than my marriage weight. I was at my highest when I got married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not spend some time and effort to eat better and work out more? These are things she can change.

+1 Why do women dig their heels in on this issue?

I have a friend a lot like yours, OP. And she almost defiantly eats her face off because she thinks she deserves to be loved for who she is inside. I admit I don't have the guts to tell her point blank she is flushing her own romantic future down the toilet because toxic pride.

+2. It's only for a season. Once she gets the guy she can put the weight back on.

Why is the assumption here that they stuff their face or eat unhealthy? I'm overweight. NOT one person who's lived with me or been my friend understands why. I eat a 90% vegetarian diet. I don't carbs for most of my meals. I have a couple of health issues that make it impossible to maintain weight unless I exercise at least an hour a day of cardio and 20 minutes of weights AND maintain my eating and DON'T drink. Well, I can maintain my eating, but I like drinking with friends and i don't always want to go to the gym. But I'm not sitting on my overweight ass eating burgers and fries, most of my lunches are salads without weird dressings and fat rich toppings. This is my body, and I'm done hating it and battling it. If you don't like me, fine, plenty of men and women do. But this assumption is so bullshit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You think this thread is depressing, yet you go out of the way to remind everyone that, even at your weight, you're thinnner than those other fatties. also you have a thin spouse.

Maybe it makes sense why weight matters to not-fat people of both genders.

I reread my post and you're right. I try to not let the insane amount of fat shaming in America bother me but it dies seep into my subconscious.

My main point was that it matters differently to different people and there are a lot of kinds of couples outo there. This advice was advising her friend to seek out '5s' and that is silly. My DH is a 10 to me, probably a 6 or 7 IRL, and I'm probably about the same. But people should connect with who they connect with, they should not just seek out comparatively fat or ugly people and hope for the best.

[Anonymous]

Why is the assumption here that they stuff their face or eat unhealthy?

Because people overseas chuckle at fat American tourists. My relatives in Europe eat differently than we do, walk to work more than we do, and exercise more. (It must be a law that you have to hike if you're Swiss.) Collectively, we Americans choose to be fatter.

[Anonymous]

I love how every overweight female has "health issues." No you don't. A very small percentage of overweight people do. A very large percentage just underestimate what they eat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not spend some time and effort to eat better and work out more? These are things she can change.

+1 Why do women dig their heels in on this issue?

I have a friend a lot like yours, OP. And she almost defiantly eats her face off because she thinks she deserves to be loved for who she is inside. I admit I don't have the guts to tell her point blank she is flushing her own romantic future down the toilet because toxic pride.

+2. It's only for a season. Once she gets the guy she can put the weight back on.

Why is the assumption here that they stuff their face or eat unhealthy? I'm overweight. NOT one person who's lived with me or been my friend understands why. I eat a 90% vegetarian diet. I don't carbs for most of my meals. I have a couple of health issues that make it impossible to maintain weight unless I exercise at least an hour a day of cardio and 20 minutes of weights AND maintain my eating and DON'T drink. Well, I can maintain my eating, but I like drinking with friends and i don't always want to go to the gym. But I'm not sitting on my overweight ass eating burgers and fries, most of my lunches are salads without weird dressings and fat rich toppings. This is my body, and I'm done hating it and battling it. If you don't like me, fine, plenty of men and women do. But this assumption is so bullshit.

Well in my case with the friend mentioned above, I SEE her gorge on fun, trendy food constantly. She never misses a craze - cupcakes, macaroons, gelato, whatever it is. She associates fun times with overeating high calorie foods. She is willfully choosing this over finding a mate. Her life, her choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how every overweight female has "health issues." No you don't. A very small percentage of overweight people do. A very large percentage just underestimate what they eat.

And every weight female has a friend that runs triathlons and has a 29 BMI so they are okay too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's been here for a while now, but her last serious boyfriend was elsewhere. She meets guys who will enjoy her company in private, but never make it official or turn it into a real relationship. And by enjoy her company I don't just mean booty calls. It's as if they really like her but are embarrassed to make it official and public. She doesn't go after high-income men, but she does place value on education and leans toward the nerdy/geeky guys. I'd love to see her with someone less geeky and more average and cheerful with a great personality. I think she inflates her "nerdiness" in order to create a signifier to attract highly intelligent men. Maybe that's an issue too. Where does an amazing fat girl meet a happy extrovert like herself? The suburbs? A different city? A time machine back to her early 20's?

No in the dark bf's. they are worse than the ones that dismiss outright. They're weak-minded and not worth it. She will probably be better off seeking someone a little older 5+ years, as they may have more confidence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's been here for a while now, but her last serious boyfriend was elsewhere. She meets guys who will enjoy her company in private, but never make it official or turn it into a real relationship. And by enjoy her company I don't just mean booty calls. It's as if they really like her but are embarrassed to make it official and public. She doesn't go after high-income men, but she does place value on education and leans toward the nerdy/geeky guys. I'd love to see her with someone less geeky and more average and cheerful with a great personality. I think she inflates her "nerdiness" in order to create a signifier to attract highly intelligent men. Maybe that's an issue too. Where does an amazing fat girl meet a happy extrovert like herself? The suburbs? A different city? A time machine back to her early 20's?

No in the dark bf's. they are worse than the ones that dismiss outright. They're weak-minded and not worth it. She will probably be better off seeking someone a little older 5+ years, as they may have more confidence.

I agree that OP's friend should avoid this as it is likely not good for her, but why the name-calling? These men are likely not weak-minded, they simply know what they want in a long-term partner and, sadly and for obvious reasons, OP's friend is not it. The hard truth of it is that weight is a big issue to lots of men, and high-quality men have many options in the current dating environment.

[Anonymous]

Women who choose to stay single skinny or not is a choice they make and it doesn't mean they haven't grown up as one PP put it. Life isn't all about finding the 'perfect' mate.

[Anonymous]

50 lbs overweight on a women is like 90 lbs overweight on a man. I'm not "judging," but let's be real: your friend is fat in the eyes of most reasonable people. That doesn't mean that she is lazy, or a "slob," or anything like that, but it does mean that she is not going to be attractive to 95% of men.

If she is also picky about a man's education and career, she is has little chance of finding a mate.

Also, no one is obligated to find you attractive. Don't call people shallow or superficial because they don't want you have sex with you. Some women complain about "male entitlement," but demanding that people find you attractive is as entitled as anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not spend some time and effort to eat better and work out more? These are things she can change.

+1 Why do women dig their heels in on this issue?

I have a friend a lot like yours, OP. And she almost defiantly eats her face off because she thinks she deserves to be loved for who she is inside. I admit I don't have the guts to tell her point blank she is flushing her own romantic future down the toilet because toxic pride.

I have a guy that would be perfect for her. He has a dead-end job, lives with his mom, and spends what little money he does make on useless junk. He also refuses to change because he thinks a girl should love him for who he is inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not spend some time and effort to eat better and work out more? These are things she can change.

+1 Why do women dig their heels in on this issue?

I have a friend a lot like yours, OP. And she almost defiantly eats her face off because she thinks she deserves to be loved for who she is inside. I admit I don't have the guts to tell her point blank she is flushing her own romantic future down the toilet because toxic pride.

+2. It's only for a season. Once she gets the guy she can put the weight back on.

Why is the assumption here that they stuff their face or eat unhealthy? I'm overweight. NOT one person who's lived with me or been my friend understands why. I eat a 90% vegetarian diet. I don't carbs for most of my meals. I have a couple of health issues that make it impossible to maintain weight unless I exercise at least an hour a day of cardio and 20 minutes of weights AND maintain my eating and DON'T drink. Well, I can maintain my eating, but I like drinking with friends and i don't always want to go to the gym. But I'm not sitting on my overweight ass eating burgers and fries, most of my lunches are salads without weird dressings and fat rich toppings. This is my body, and I'm done hating it and battling it. If you don't like me, fine, plenty of men and women do. But this assumption is so bullshit.

I know so many overweight vegetarians...not sure what to make of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think DC sucks for dating period, it's not about weight. I know plenty of dream women who've been single for 8 years now. It's kinda insane.

Is that still the case? I know it was back when I was single in the 90s. Sometimes I think I settled because of it

DC is a VERY hard dating market.

I'm a single guy who relocated to DC for work.

The women in DC are unreasonably picky. They call it having "standards" and being "uncompromising."
Dates often felt like interviews where questions are coded methods of figuring out my current and potential earning power and my social status. Everything was being judged during the dates (my choice of location, activity, day of week, time, etc.) if things were not chosen just right there was ghosting and sometime the snide remark. Their attitude often gave the impression that I, as a person, was a secondary consideration in their evaluation. After 2 years of dating locally I gave up and did the online thing and found a great woman to date that doesn't live in DC.

Me: STEMs Undergrad & Masters, MBA, Speaks two languages, 5'11'' 180lbs reasonably good looking... in DC I'm deficient.

I totally agree and I'm a woman. I never did that nor asked intrusive questions. I figured when they were ready they could tell me. A lot of women like that are miserable and end up by themselves. I've been a homemaker for years and am happily married. Even when I didn't have kids my husband was ok with me staying home. If you treat a man well and spoil him you can pretty much have it all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why not spend some time and effort to eat better and work out more? These are things she can change.

+1 Why do women dig their heels in on this issue?

I have a friend a lot like yours, OP. And she almost defiantly eats her face off because she thinks she deserves to be loved for who she is inside. I admit I don't have the guts to tell her point blank she is flushing her own romantic future down the toilet because toxic pride.

+2. It's only for a season. Once she gets the guy she can put the weight back on.

Why is the assumption here that they stuff their face or eat unhealthy? I'm overweight. NOT one person who's lived with me or been my friend understands why. I eat a 90% vegetarian diet. I don't carbs for most of my meals. I have a couple of health issues that make it impossible to maintain weight unless I exercise at least an hour a day of cardio and 20 minutes of weights AND maintain my eating and DON'T drink. Well, I can maintain my eating, but I like drinking with friends and i don't always want to go to the gym. But I'm not sitting on my overweight ass eating burgers and fries, most of my lunches are salads without weird dressings and fat rich toppings. This is my body, and I'm done hating it and battling it. If you don't like me, fine, plenty of men and women do. But this assumption is so bullshit.

I know so many overweight vegetarians...not sure what to make of that.

LOL That is true. My sil has her kitchen stocked with plenty of cookies and treats which I find pretty funny. She says she won't eat anything with eyelashes.