"Farming kids out"

[Anonymous]

OP-start small. Investigate getting a sitter for an occasional Sat. night date with DH. Ask friends who they use, check references carefully and when you feel comfortable, go out by yourselves for a couple of hours. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS. Mommies and Daddies need alone time, some need more alone time than others. Find out what works for you best and go with it. After all, "when mommy's happy, everyone's happy!"

[Anonymous]

OP here - my advanced degrees are not in childhood ed., unfortunately! I guess my point being, I look at child rearing as my "job" (one of many) and probably don't take the breaks I should. I did jump ahead to the idea of taking mini vacations, which seems a dream....

What are some of the ways you get the time you need for yourself? I'm not sure I would know what to do with myself - LOL! Sad, but true.

Some of you do sound harsh. Does this have to be an inquisition?

Most do not sound harsh, so thank you to those of you who are supportive. I certainly agree "when mommy's happy...." Your constructive ideas are appreciated.

Gosh, what a big difference to have family in the area, huh?

[Anonymous]

OP- I think people sound harsh, because you started this out as saying that people who "farm their kids out" are putting "their kids last". So, a lot of people understandably got pretty defensive.

Now, you are saying that you actually wish you had family nearby, a babysitter, etc so you could have more time to yourself.

So, you started out by insulting us for putting our kids last and then asked for advice on how do it. You can see why we are confused!

[Anonymous]

I know, I tried to be helpful as opposed to accusatory and I'm still confused.

[Anonymous]

OP-sorry everyones jumping on you, but you sound confused, accusatory and sweet all at the same time-maybe you need to realize that different styles work for different families and you need to discover the style that works for you without the input of an anonymous forum where lots of other families post who have different parenting and lifestyle paradigms that work very well for them individually.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you drunk? Your posts honestly sound like someone who has had too much to drink and is just rambling.

[Anonymous]

OP - some advice for building a support system if you do not have family - in order to do so you must first be a support system for others. Start with making friendships and being there for others - usually they will return the favor. We don't have family in the area - but they do visit constantly. But many times it is a close friend who watches DC when we need help.

I grew up in a family where cousins were always staying with relatives through the summers. DC have stayed up to 10 days with grandparents. Besides the parent - child relationship there are many other important relationships for your children to develop. They will be better off having other influences if that can happen.

As for errends - I have 3 children under 3 (#2 & #3 are twins) and it is not only difficult but at times unsafe to try to run errands with them - just try getting your dry cleaning in the store while carrying two infant carriers and holding the hand of a 2 year old!

Further advice - when you start to develop friendships - think before you speak - meant as constructive criticism. If you talk like you write I'm not sure how one would understand what you are really saying.

[Anonymous]

OP, I get the sense you feel isolated and overwhelmed, and I'm sorry about that. I'm also a SAHM, don't have family in the area either, and have often wished that I did. But, as other PPs in that situation have suggested, you can find ways to cope. When my kids were very little, my parents would come to visit, giving DH and me a break -- either to get things done or to go out/get away together. I also had my kids do lunch-bunch at preschool, so that I had a longer stretch of time to do errands, exercise or get together with a friend -- even just to take a walk and clear my head.

We made friends with out neighbors and with the parents of our children's friends so we could ask for help when we needed it -- of course, as other PPs have noted, this takes reaching out to other folks first. If you're feeling overwhelmed, this might seem hard, but you can just bring somebody tomatoes from your garden or cookies at the holidays. Better yet, invite them over to make cookies. Connecting with other adults will make big difference in your life and it's worth the effort. It will be easier for your to do this if you practice a less incendiary or accusatory conversational style than you demonstrated in your first post. As far as hiring sitters/parents' helpers/nannies and the issue of trusting someone to care for your children, it helps enormously to get a recommendation from a friend or neighbor -- but, again, I would ask for advice in a less-judgmental way.

Finally, as far as having kids visit friends or family members for overnights or longer, that's nothing to feel guilty about. We feel very lucky that our children have loving g-parents, aunts and uncles, and cousins with whom they've formed close bonds -- even though they live many miles away. And, as they've gotten older, they've formed close friendships with kids from school and neighbors with whom they spend a lot of time. My kids are now teen-and-tween-agers, and we also love that we've gotten to know their friends so well over the years by hosting them on overnights and taking short trips tgether. Finally, we've made some great friends ourselves from among their parents -- folks whom we enjoy and who show such kindness to our children.

I hope you can open yourself up to some of these kinds of connections, but please start by trying to consider other points of view. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Just farmed my 2 young ones out this week and after all my apprehension I am SOOOO glad I did. MIL was so happy to have full 100% access to her grandkids for 4nights/5 days and we used some battery recharging relaxation. The best thing I ever did--- used to be judgemental of others who did this...turns out I think I was just jealous that my nature is to be 'the martyr' and take all responsibility. Guess what--- kids are happier, we are happier and grandma had tears in her eyes when she had to leave this morning.

Farm, farm, farm!!!

[Anonymous]

OP is disguising her distain and judgement for familes unlike hers as "ignorance". All we need to do is read her OP and know what she is all about.

I think she takes great pride in being a martyr, but apparantly the martyrdom stops with the internet, because while her rugrats are wandering around the house she is busy posting messages all day and night on DCUM.

OP falls right into the negative stereotype of SAHMs. I bet the OP even has bad hair that is in need of a good scrub, wears stained t-shirts, and never even bothers to shave her armpits.

[Anonymous]

18:00 - Nope. But again, thanks for the compliment. Are you the one that keeps trying to pummel me on this post? Does it make you feel better?