When did divorces start happening in your circle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are three hot spots.
a) immature first marriages. We know two couples that broke up in this window. One bc wife found out husband didn't want kids ever. Other bc of affair.
b) 10-15 years. Kids become a drag and life gets monotonous. Again we know two couples in this band. One the wife cheated and other husband cheated.
c) 22-25 years. These are usually marriages where the parents stuck it out until the kids left home but marriage was already dead. Haven't gotten to this peer group yet.

This was pretty much what I was going to mention - starter marriages, marriages just out of the infant/toddler years, and marriages when the kids hit college.

The starter marriage divorces are just slightly more complicated break ups between boyfriends and girlfriends.

My theory on the ones just out of the infant/toddler years is that the divorce happens sometime around when the kids hit school age. Before that, everyone is just holding on for dear life. When the kids' needs become somewhat less relentless, one or both of the partners finally has time to look around and notice that their marriage has shattered and he or she is deeply unhappy.

Oh, please. Don't minimize. My "starter divorce" was the most grief I have ever experienced (married 7 years, together for 10). In my circle, the first wave of divorces was probably pretty predictable, since we married early (21-25). We are on second marriages now.

Seven years is not a starter marriage. Starter marriages tend to burn out before year 3.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My friend who is 38 had five bridesmaids. Two are having affairs, one is thinking about it, and one is unhappy. No divorces though.

Who does this at that age?!? One MOH and that's it if you're past the age of, say, 32. Jeez.
In my unscientific opinion, there's an inverse relationship between # of bridesmaids and the healthiness of the marriage. Especially later in life.

That's a really limited time frame since most people with good careers and an education (especially in DC) get married later in life. You're basically saying only people from age 28-32 can have more than one bridesmaid in DC.

http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/03/getting-married-later-is-great-for-college-educated-women/274040/

She had five bridesmaids at age 30 so fortunately that would meet with your approval.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

This has far more to do with it than anything else, and is an accident of birth, so you can quit patting yourself on the back for the graduate degree that you earned that you think confers a stable marriage.

bitter much? I'm not that PP but it's well-known that higher education levels are related to lower instances of divorce.

New poster. Practically everyone I know around here who is divorced is an attorney or married to one. I was myself, and I divorced, even though my parents are still happily married.

I think the bigger trend is that people stay together because one partner works and the other does not. And the wife who doesn't work is TERRIFIED of going out in the real world and starting over and having to work in some crappy job because she hasn't been in the workforce for 20 years. And then she'll have to give up the house, the club, the private schools, the SUVs. It's scary. And so she puts up with a terrible marriage and infidelity. And she stuffs it down and pretends everything is okay to her friends.

And half her friends are doing the same.

So, no pats on the back for these people, but some sympathy. It takes courage to leave sometimes. It's not really some badge of honor to stay in a bad marriage, esp. when kids are involved. Until I was divorced, I thought everyone around me had a perfect marriage. Now I know better because so many people have confided in me.

You need to widen your circle, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

This has far more to do with it than anything else, and is an accident of birth, so you can quit patting yourself on the back for the graduate degree that you earned that you think confers a stable marriage.

bitter much? I'm not that PP but it's well-known that higher education levels are related to lower instances of divorce.

New poster. Practically everyone I know around here who is divorced is an attorney or married to one. I was myself, and I divorced, even though my parents are still happily married.

I think the bigger trend is that people stay together because one partner works and the other does not. And the wife who doesn't work is TERRIFIED of going out in the real world and starting over and having to work in some crappy job because she hasn't been in the workforce for 20 years. And then she'll have to give up the house, the club, the private schools, the SUVs. It's scary. And so she puts up with a terrible marriage and infidelity. And she stuffs it down and pretends everything is okay to her friends.

And half her friends are doing the same.

So, no pats on the back for these people, but some sympathy. It takes courage to leave sometimes. It's not really some badge of honor to stay in a bad marriage, esp. when kids are involved. Until I was divorced, I thought everyone around me had a perfect marriage. Now I know better because so many people have confided in me.

You need to widen your circle, pp.

You’re replying to a 5 yo post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

I've read that if your parents divorced, you have a higher chance of divorce in your own marriage. Not sure if that claim still stands.

My parents went through a bitter divorce and my sister and I Are both happily married. Many of my friends with married parents Are divorced. I think seeing my parents divorce Made my sister and I much more cautious about marriage. We learned from our parents' mistakes.

+1. I saw my parents' mistakes, and I also know that, contrary to what they choose to believe, divorce is bad for children and not much of a solution for adults either. I take better care of my marriage than they ever did.

I think the current research is more that a large number of children of divorce separate into two camps: those who repeat the mistakes and those who learn.

Congratulations to both of you on your choice of the later.

I think there's a significant third camp of people who just don't want to get married at all after witnessing their parents' divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

You are just better than everyone.else. And more educated. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dw here. I'll be divorcing if he doesn't start having sex at least once a week. Or if I catch him cheating and lying again.

I went for many many many YEARs without from beginning of marriage in our 30s. We never should have married. Divorced in 40s. I can’t imagine divorce if you are having sex 1-2 times a month (personally with a good partner, 3 times a week ideal for me), but a few times a month does not seem divorce-worthy. But the cheating and lying IS divorce-worthy to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No waves of divorces here. We have been married 20+ years and are in our early and mid 50's. We have had casual friends here and there divorce, but no more than a handful. In our college group that meets every three years and where we were the last to marry, there have been none.

New poster. Pretty much the same profile for us re: ages, years married, and very few divorces among our friends. We're just a bit older, married a little longer than PP.

Almost everyone we know is longtime married and no divorces. Not even after kids went off to college or launched life after college -- I know DCUM thinks those are prime times for divorces, once the kids are gone....

The only couple we ever have been close to who divorced were in their early 30s at the time and had a toddler. The DH had longstanding issues of mental health and tons of baggage from his family of origin and he probably never should have opted for the marriage-kids-house-career route as he wasn't capable of handling the responsibility and viewed it all as "holding him back." (Never said what from.) No cheating involved there (so they say and I believe them). But I know no one else who has divorced among our "circle" and that one divorce was many years ago now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:in 40s kids were teenagers and DW's stopped having sex. most divorces clustered around this

Women initiate 70% of divorces, therfore take the lead in walking away from marriage. You think women leave their husbands because the women stop having sex? I think women might stop having sex because they are unhappy in their marriages.

+100 Boom!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

This has far more to do with it than anything else, and is an accident of birth, so you can quit patting yourself on the back for the graduate degree that you earned that you think confers a stable marriage.

bitter much? I'm not that PP but it's well-known that higher education levels are related to lower instances of divorce.

That's only because higher education = higher income. These types are more concerned with appearances in their social circles and they don't want to split assets in a messy divorce.

[Anonymous]

I only know a handful of peers who have divorced, and all but one were starter marriages with no kids (the one with kids was a surprise pregnancy right after the wedding). I'm 38.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:in 40s kids were teenagers and DW's stopped having sex. most divorces clustered around this

Women initiate 70% of divorces, therfore take the lead in walking away from marriage. You think women leave their husbands because the women stop having sex? I think women might stop having sex because they are unhappy in their marriages.

how many of that 70% initiated divorce because their husband cheated? I k ow 5 divorced women well enough to know why they divorced. 3 of them initiated divorce because husband cheated and two had husbands initiate divorce to be with the other woman.

[Anonymous]

I’m in my mid-40 and divorced. Many of my friends are as well. I was married 18 years and had 3 kids in elementary. We had problems for a long time and I just couldn’t take it anymore. Three of kids in my oldest kids class were divorcing at the same time. We all had the same real estate agent when selling our homes!

My parents have been married over 50 years, but I think they have a terrible marriage. My brother is also divorced, he was late 30s with two young kids.

My parents can’t understand why both their kids are divorced and they are so proud of their long marriage. Both my brother and I saw our marriages were bad and got out. I stayed too long. Watching my parents slog through theirs was enough motivation to finally make me think I didn’t want to be my mom. I’m remarried and my brother is living with a woman separated but not divorced. My dad thinks it’s terrible.

Most of my friends divorced either because of affairs or growing apart. We lived abroad and had a friend group of 8 couples and 5 are now divorced. Most divorced early 40s with elementary kids and one spouse having an affair.

[Anonymous]

This thread is hopeful and depressing at the same time. Maybe divorce really is contagious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is hopeful and depressing at the same time. Maybe divorce really is contagious.

Yes I agree with both of these things.

35, 1 DC here. Also want a divorce....actually we're not married so it will be infinitely easier. Although still hard. I would be highly encouraged if another couple split in my circle. But highly doubt that will happen yet.

Bro just recently finalized starter marriage divorce.