When did divorces start happening in your circle?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dw here. I'll be divorcing if he doesn't start having sex at least once a week. Or if I catch him cheating and lying again.

So he wants sex, but just not from you?

[Anonymous]

Most of the divorced I know are the result of affairs, mainly by husbands but I know of one wife also. All got remarried to their APs.

One couple we know divorced after a decade of infertility issues. It was male based, he was completely infertile and it was a deal breaker. That was heart breaking for us to watch, the male ended up breaking it, and he cut off everyone who has kids as friends.

All of these marriages were 8+ years (and then add the pre wedding dating).

None of the divorces have been friendly.

[Anonymous]

There are three hot spots.
a) immature first marriages. We know two couples that broke up in this window. One bc wife found out husband didn't want kids ever. Other bc of affair.
b) 10-15 years. Kids become a drag and life gets monotonous. Again we know two couples in this band. One the wife cheated and other husband cheated.
c) 22-25 years. These are usually marriages where the parents stuck it out until the kids left home but marriage was already dead. Haven't gotten to this peer group yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

This has far more to do with it than anything else, and is an accident of birth, so you can quit patting yourself on the back for the graduate degree that you earned that you think confers a stable marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are three hot spots.
a) immature first marriages. We know two couples that broke up in this window. One bc wife found out husband didn't want kids ever. Other bc of affair.
b) 10-15 years. Kids become a drag and life gets monotonous. Again we know two couples in this band. One the wife cheated and other husband cheated.
c) 22-25 years. These are usually marriages where the parents stuck it out until the kids left home but marriage was already dead. Haven't gotten to this peer group yet.

This is the pattern Gottman has observed, and matches my experience, although the b) range is more like 7-10 year mark. The couples who made it past 10 either stayed married or divorced as soon as the kids were out of the house/college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

This has far more to do with it than anything else, and is an accident of birth, so you can quit patting yourself on the back for the graduate degree that you earned that you think confers a stable marriage.

bitter much? I'm not that PP but it's well-known that higher education levels are related to lower instances of divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

I've read that if your parents divorced, you have a higher chance of divorce in your own marriage. Not sure if that claim still stands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

This has far more to do with it than anything else, and is an accident of birth, so you can quit patting yourself on the back for the graduate degree that you earned that you think confers a stable marriage.

bitter much? I'm not that PP but it's well-known that higher education levels are related to lower instances of divorce.

Correlation is not causation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

This has far more to do with it than anything else, and is an accident of birth, so you can quit patting yourself on the back for the graduate degree that you earned that you think confers a stable marriage.

bitter much? I'm not that PP but it's well-known that higher education levels are related to lower instances of divorce.

Correlation is not causation.

I hit post too fast: I have a graduate degree myself in STEM, so I'm not bitter...I just like to call out snobs when I see them, particularly academic snobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We've actually had no divorces in our group of ten couples. No one rushed into marriage and we all got married after completing our graduate education. Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

I've read that if your parents divorced, you have a higher chance of divorce in your own marriage. Not sure if that claim still stands.

I'm not sure but I think it does still stand; I think the explanation I heard is like this:

- if your parent's stayed married, it's likely because they had good emotional intelligence, and were attracted to others like themselves.
- they modelled a healthy relationship for you as a child.
- you were drawn to people like your parents (most of us are) so you are drawn to emotionally intelligent and healthy people - you are repelled from unhealthy people.
- you know how to have a healthy relationship because it's what you grew up watching

This is a positive feedback loop. For people with FOOs with divorce, the same "positive feedback" loop exists, except it's pointing in the wrong direction.

Divorce is an effect, not a cause.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

This has far more to do with it than anything else, and is an accident of birth, so you can quit patting yourself on the back for the graduate degree that you earned that you think confers a stable marriage.

bitter much? I'm not that PP but it's well-known that higher education levels are related to lower instances of divorce.

True, but among educated people, women initiate 90% of the divorces.

[Anonymous]

I'm 34. I can think of at least 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:in 40s kids were teenagers and DW's stopped having sex. most divorces clustered around this

Women initiate 70% of divorces, therfore take the lead in walking away from marriage. You think women leave their husbands because the women stop having sex? I think women might stop having sex because they are unhappy in their marriages.[/quote]
It's both reasons. Stop being defensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

This has far more to do with it than anything else, and is an accident of birth, so you can quit patting yourself on the back for the graduate degree that you earned that you think confers a stable marriage.

bitter much? I'm not that PP but it's well-known that higher education levels are related to lower instances of divorce.

New poster. Practically everyone I know around here who is divorced is an attorney or married to one. I was myself, and I divorced, even though my parents are still happily married.

I think the bigger trend is that people stay together because one partner works and the other does not. And the wife who doesn't work is TERRIFIED of going out in the real world and starting over and having to work in some crappy job because she hasn't been in the workforce for 20 years. And then she'll have to give up the house, the club, the private schools, the SUVs. It's scary. And so she puts up with a terrible marriage and infidelity. And she stuffs it down and pretends everything is okay to her friends.

And half her friends are doing the same.

So, no pats on the back for these people, but some sympathy. It takes courage to leave sometimes. It's not really some badge of honor to stay in a bad marriage, esp. when kids are involved. Until I was divorced, I thought everyone around me had a perfect marriage. Now I know better because so many people have confided in me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interestingly, we all had parents that never divorced.

This has far more to do with it than anything else, and is an accident of birth, so you can quit patting yourself on the back for the graduate degree that you earned that you think confers a stable marriage.

bitter much? I'm not that PP but it's well-known that higher education levels are related to lower instances of divorce.

True, but among educated people, women initiate 90% of the divorces.

Yes, it's because they CAN. For them, the man is not the plan. They have options.

(Written by a former SAHM.)