Do you force your kids to play with certain kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

These girls aren't being "mean girls", they don't want to hang out with someone they aren't friends with, don't have activities in common with, and are now being forced to like. The teacher's response was perfect, it's not OP's problem and her kid isn't doing anything wrong.

Wow. I have boys, and they certainly have preferences about who they like to play with, but neither of them would form an exclusive club at school and vote another kid out. One time a few kids at aftercare tried to do this to my younger son and the teacher dealt with it immediately. It's not OP's problem that Mary doesn't have friends, it is OP's problem that her daughter is involved in some ridiculous situation at school voting Mary off the island.

They didn't vote Mary off the island. They included her because they were forced to and decided, as a group of friends, that they didn't want to anymore...which they are TOTALLY ALLOWED TO DO. Maybe people should be concentrating on the fact that Mary's mom is hellbent on getting FOUR girls (out of an entire class) to include her daughter just on principal, despite it clearly not being good for anyone involved. I knew Mary and her mom in ES, they did this with multiple friend groups and labeled any girls who didn't want to include her as mean. The problem is not OPs daughter, the teacher, OP...it's Mary's mom (who seems to have quite a few kindred spirits on DCUM, surprise ).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So help me out, as adults you are all friends with everyone?

No, but if I'm engaged in some activity in a public space with a group of people (a pick-up soccer game, for example, or jogging around the park or whatever) and an acquaintance comes up and asks to join us, I will say yes. You don't have to be friends with everyone to be inclusive. If the girls are climbing on the monkey bars or playing tag, there is no good reason that Mary can't play with them. And the fact that Mary was quiet is a terrible reason to "vote her out." If I found out that my kid voted with her friends to exclude another kid, I would absolutely say something. It costs them nothing to be inclusive.

[Anonymous]

Right, if a colleague invites me to lunch, I go. Even if we aren't friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Club" is not nice. Not done by all girls - usually just the pre-mean girl types

Yes, club does not sound nice, I agree. But it seems like even if they are playing tag they don't like to play with Mary. Any suggestions on how to deal with this or if I should meddle out? Thanks!

I would definitely talk to your daughter. If they are playing something where adding one more person isn't going to ruin the game, like tag, they ought to be including Mary. It's just mean not to. They don't have to be best friends with Mary, they don't have to invite Mary to come play at their houses, but to exclude her is just unkind.

Yes, Mary probably needs to find other kids to play with, and her teachers and parents should be helping her to do this. But in the meantime, your duaghter and her friends should not be voting to exclude Mary.

[Anonymous]

I was Mary in 7th grade. I was very quiet, and I don't know, but I guess it was my turn to be the social outcast in my small private school. I distinctly remember trying to be friends with the least exclusive group of girls. (Clearly, I was not cut out for the "cool club".) They clearly did not want me to join them for lunch on the playground, but felt some obligation to halfheartedly include me. I could feel that they didn't want me, and that translated into me unable to say anything.

So maybe your DD and her friends weren't being authentic when "including" Mary. And she could tell.

[Anonymous]

To answer the original question yes and no. I wouldn't say force exactly but I encourage very strongly. My DD was part of a "club" last year with her friends and they left out all the girls who they thought were kind of strange. One of these girls really really wanted to be a part of the club.

I was very sad when I heard what was going on and told her I was disappointed in her and that this was unkind. DD cried and said she felt terrible and made sure to include Mary the next day. I don't expect them to be best friends but I do expect DD to be nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids, two boys and a girl in ES. My daughter is in 3rd grade. A parent I know (just from school, not socially) came to me to tell me (in a very nice way!) that my daughter was excluding her daughter (let's call her Mary) in school and he daughter was very hurt by it. It was awkward. They have been in the same classroom for two years straight and the little girl is sweet and well behaved. My daughter has never been friends with this little girl. She has three best friends (similar sports, lots of playdates, all the parents know each other very well). She also talks about a few other girls in class, but never this particular little girl. I set a conference with the teacher to get her perspective. The teacher said DD was kind to everyone in the school, worked well with Mary, but that she didn't believe they were friends. I spoke to DD and she told me that Mary is nice, but that she doesn't like playing with her as much as she likes to play with her friends. She also mentioned her friends think she is annoying because she follows them around. So my heart broke for Mary. I told DD that she should speak up for Mary, that her friends will like her if they play with her. She came back from school and told me she asked Mary to join her in their "club". She said Mary didn't say a word the whole time and that they voted as a club that they didn't want Mary in. Did I make it worse for Mary by trying to help? I spoke with my mom and she was adamant that kids need to deal with their social issues (that she never got herself involved in mine). Sigh.

It is ironic that your thread title says "do you force your kids to play with certain kids" but if you look at the bolded part, you can see that you very much do this already. YOU (and many other moms) force groupings/cliques/clubs by running your kids lives based on parent decisions. So when there is that very little time of unstructured play without parents (recess) - kids have a hard time being welcoming and learning how to socially make friends, be friends, and choose their own likes and dislikes.

The club part makes my stomach turn. I am not sure whose idea it was in the group but it is not nice and the girls know that. You need to nip this in the bud and get the school counselor involved.

Agree - mom cliques are what start girl cliques.

I have boys so don't know about girl cliques. If the neighbor's kids are doing soccer, then my kids are asking to sign up too, and vice versa. We're not trying to run the kids' lives as you put it, or force a grouping or clique. Isn't that just how these things play out?

[Anonymous]

Most boys play differently than girls. Boys play and girls chit chat which leads to problems. Any forms of clubs tends to exclude others otherwise you wouldn't call it a club.

In this case, I would ask my daughter and see if she thinks it's wrong to exclude people because they are not talking. If the girl is nice, try to learn to play with her, if not nice, limit your interactions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids, two boys and a girl in ES. My daughter is in 3rd grade. A parent I know (just from school, not socially) came to me to tell me (in a very nice way!) that my daughter was excluding her daughter (let's call her Mary) in school and he daughter was very hurt by it. It was awkward. They have been in the same classroom for two years straight and the little girl is sweet and well behaved. My daughter has never been friends with this little girl. She has three best friends (similar sports, lots of playdates, all the parents know each other very well). She also talks about a few other girls in class, but never this particular little girl. I set a conference with the teacher to get her perspective. The teacher said DD was kind to everyone in the school, worked well with Mary, but that she didn't believe they were friends. I spoke to DD and she told me that Mary is nice, but that she doesn't like playing with her as much as she likes to play with her friends. She also mentioned her friends think she is annoying because she follows them around. So my heart broke for Mary. I told DD that she should speak up for Mary, that her friends will like her if they play with her. She came back from school and told me she asked Mary to join her in their "club". She said Mary didn't say a word the whole time and that they voted as a club that they didn't want Mary in. Did I make it worse for Mary by trying to help? I spoke with my mom and she was adamant that kids need to deal with their social issues (that she never got herself involved in mine). Sigh.

From what you said, it doesn't sound like your daughter is excluding Mary. I don't get the urge to include EVERYONE; friendships are discriminatory by nature because we all get to choose our friends, and we want to be friends with some people but not others. There is no entitlement to friendship of a person of your choice. It's a two-way street. If your daughter doesn't like Mary and doesn't want to be friends with her, it's silly to force her. From what you say, it doesn't sound like she's mean to Mary, just that she doesn't want to befriend her. That's her right.

[Anonymous]

The only good clubs are specialized skills one, like science or lego or math.

[Anonymous]

I think everyone is just getting hung up on the word "club". It doesn't sound like a "club" to me, just four girls that have things in common and like to hang out together. They get to say who should and should not join the group.

[Anonymous]

Just have your DD have a playdate with Mary.

Then if you like, have your DD and ONE of the other girls have a playdate with Mary at your house.

Or if you are friends with the parents in your DD's "club" then 1) have Mary over for a playdate with DD, then
2) have your friend have Mary over to her house with a playdate with her DD, etc.

So much of the bond is made if you have a playdate.

Now if it doesn't work, then you tried.

[Anonymous]

I find it terribly sad that OP doesn't even mention walking a mile in Mary's shoes. Show some empathy if anything! How would you like being left out?

This definitely sounds like a mean moms and mean girls clique. They don't have time for that empathy BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Were any of you ever kids? Jesus.

These girls aren't being "mean girls", they don't want to hang out with someone they aren't friends with, don't have activities in common with, and are now being forced to like. The teacher's response was perfect, it's not OP's problem and her kid isn't doing anything wrong.

The only mean girls here are the grown women who are name calling and judging a group of people they've never met based on an internet post.

+100
I wonder if these posters have ever seen an actual "mean girl" in action. What the OP describes is nowhere close to that. There is nothing wrong with how her daughter is behaving.

[Anonymous]

A group of girls deciding to exclude a follower is classic mean girl behavior and should not be tolerated - by you or the teacher. School is not just a place where you get to hang out with whoever you want. It's a community, and your daughter is making it exclusive rather than inclusive. It's not "being kind" to exclude.

You don't have to arrange playdates with Mary, though it should would be nice and inclusive of you and your daughter to do that. But at school, your daughter should be inclusive. Your daughter has it easy right now, but she may not always, and then you'll be wishing the other parents told their kids to be more inclusive.

And to the people criticizing Mary's "social skills," I bet you were all popular in school.