Do you force your kids to play with certain kids?

[Anonymous]

Mary is hanging around them because they have formed a little club. This is how mean girl world works. Girls form little cliques that they won't let others in and it creates a mystique and drama where kids who are on the outside long to join. Its less about Mary and more about raising a person who does not do this, for several reasons - 1. it creates a culture of exclusion and "voting" people in or out; 2. your daughter will at one point be the one being voted in or out. It is a dangerous, vicious cycle.

[Anonymous]

No, I never forced my kid to play with certain kids. I know a woman through the place I've volunteered for the last seven years who is perfectly nice, and outrageously dull. She is just the most bland person ever, and I can't spend much time around her. I also know a woman who likes to say provocative things for the sake of shocking people. She curses at inappropriate times. So I totally get it.

I tell my DD to shut down when people say mean things about someone, or to change the subject to stop the verbal pile-on. I tell her to give everyone at least one chance. But after that, nope. She's a person and allowed to have opinions about who she likes.

[Anonymous]

I think this sounds mean. I agree. They that probably said - hey come play - but then were probably not nice to her and then voted her out.

They don't have to be friends, but I wouldn't want to hear that my child was voting anyone out. They can run around and play tag, no big deal. She shouldn't actively exclude at school in particular.

[Anonymous]

Yes. My kids are expected to play with everybody. They are not expected to go seek out kids that don't have friends and fix their life, but if a child wants to play with them they should include them. If they see a child that always sits along or never has anybody to play with on the playground they should at lease ask the person to join them.


No voting in or out... that is crazy talk.

Don't talk to the teacher, talk to your kid... clubs are not nice. Include Mary when you play at school. It's not that complicated.

Are you even sure Mary wants to play with your child.

[Anonymous]

I have boys and they are a little younger. I would instruct my sons to be inclusive. I would tell them to put themselves in Mary's shoes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Ok, so maybe I can mention the club thing to the teacher and she can talk to the kids in general about not having clubs? Does that sound like a good idea? It sounds like a good idea in my head, but so did asking DD to ask Mary to join them in recess (and that didn't fare to well).

OP, I think the first mistake was made when the other mom came to you instead of to the teacher. As a few other posters have mentioned, there are other kids this little girl could play with. It sounds like this child needs help connecting with other kids and probably the teacher would have some ideas about who might be a better fit. If your daughter and her friends are actually a good match, then the teacher can work on it (or talk to the school counselor to help, or whatever). If I were you I would go back to the teacher, say that you tried to help and it didn't work, could she look into the situation, find ways to help the little girl connect with someone socially, and then get in touch with you if she discovers that your daughter needs some specific feedback from you.

And, yes, tell her about the club thing. Let the school figure out if/how to address it. You can also say to your daughter, "Hey, that club thing sounds kind of mean." Why don't you guys just talk about that outside of school.

[Anonymous]

You can't force friendships, OP.

It's nice to think that kids should be all inclusive, but they aren't. Your DD isn't being mean to Mary.

Now, the club thing? No. Asking her other friends to include Mary? Not going to work. If your DD would like to play with Mary without the other kids.. ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so the club voting thing is not great, but I don't think OP's kid is a mean girl. I think she just doesn't connect with this particular kid. Presumably there are dozens of other kids that the other kid could play with, but she wants to be your daughter's friend for some reason. She's like those kids hanging around the fringes of the popular group in high school, trying to fit in, while ignoring the 200 other kids who might want to hang out.

Honestly, I don't want to hang out with just anyone. I have preferences when it comes to my friends. If I don't connect with you, I don't see the point in forcing it.

Now if every girl in the class (or soccer team or girl scout troop) was hanging and excluding her, there's a problem. But I don't see why we should force kids to be friends when they don't want to.

I agree. And all this also makes me think about how the "be nice to everyone/be friends with everyone" affects girls later when they start getting unwanted attention from boys. We all have liked people who haven't reciprocated our feelings of friendship or romance, and vice versa. It hurts. But it's important for kids to learn how to deal with it maturely and kindly from both sides.

[Anonymous]

I would make her treat Mary kindly, but I wouldn't make her be friends with her. That's tougher to do than type, but I think that's the theme you're looking for. (So, no voting that we won't play with you, but your DD doesn't have to call Mary to play, either.)

[Anonymous]

I didn't realize quite what she was doing at the time, but my mom went out of her way to set up play dates with the new kids or the "different" kids (e.g. the first black girl in my class, the first Spanish speaker, the boy who was probably autistic but not diagnosed, the girl who lived at the homeless shelter). My school was pretty homogenous, so these kids stuck out. We talked all the time at the dinner table about empathy and caring, not in an over the top way, but through stories and examples from my parents lives. She also gave me a lot of books about different kids, like "Karen" about the girl with cerebral palsy.

To be honest, I didn't always want to play with those kids and sometimes complained to my mom for meddling, but at every playdate I found some level where we could relate or some common connection. And though it probably prevented me from sitting at the coolest kids table, I stayed nice to them all because I understood them as people, not the stereotypes.

I was not a-list or prom queen by any means, but I ended up with a lot of friendships and was voted "nicest" in high school yearbook. I think that made my mom prouder then my national merit scholarship! It definitely was due to her coaching and prodding, even when I didn't want it.

I should ask her why she did that, and give her a big thanks.

[Anonymous]

aw, my heart is melting over that post, PP. I'm trying to teach the same things but this gives some concrete suggestions like playdates etc. Thanks for that post!

[Anonymous]

If I were you, I would tell the teacher about the club issue. That's exclusionary and not acceptable. I would also talk with your daughter again about being kind to Mary. You don't need to make her play with Mary, and it probably isn't really helping Mary for her to do so if she doesn't genuinely like her - my son spent all of last year chasing around after a boy who wasn't that into him (the kid wasn't mean or rude, just not interested in DS). This year, DS has made 2 friends who genuinely like being with him. I am glad he has moved on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids, two boys and a girl in ES. My daughter is in 3rd grade. A parent I know (just from school, not socially) came to me to tell me (in a very nice way!) that my daughter was excluding her daughter (let's call her Mary) in school and he daughter was very hurt by it. It was awkward. They have been in the same classroom for two years straight and the little girl is sweet and well behaved. My daughter has never been friends with this little girl. She has three best friends (similar sports, lots of playdates, all the parents know each other very well). She also talks about a few other girls in class, but never this particular little girl. I set a conference with the teacher to get her perspective. The teacher said DD was kind to everyone in the school, worked well with Mary, but that she didn't believe they were friends. I spoke to DD and she told me that Mary is nice, but that she doesn't like playing with her as much as she likes to play with her friends. She also mentioned her friends think she is annoying because she follows them around. So my heart broke for Mary. I told DD that she should speak up for Mary, that her friends will like her if they play with her. She came back from school and told me she asked Mary to join her in their "club". She said Mary didn't say a word the whole time and that they voted as a club that they didn't want Mary in. Did I make it worse for Mary by trying to help? I spoke with my mom and she was adamant that kids need to deal with their social issues (that she never got herself involved in mine). Sigh.

It is ironic that your thread title says "do you force your kids to play with certain kids" but if you look at the bolded part, you can see that you very much do this already. YOU (and many other moms) force groupings/cliques/clubs by running your kids lives based on parent decisions. So when there is that very little time of unstructured play without parents (recess) - kids have a hard time being welcoming and learning how to socially make friends, be friends, and choose their own likes and dislikes.

The club part makes my stomach turn. I am not sure whose idea it was in the group but it is not nice and the girls know that. You need to nip this in the bud and get the school counselor involved.

[Anonymous]

OP, why didn't you speak to your friends (the mother's of the 3 other girls in the club) and let them know you were concerned the girls were having a club and voting people in or out? If I had this information, the other mom's I know would appreciate knowing this so the conversation could be had in all of the homes, not just our home.

As for Mary, reach out to the counselor, but realize your daughter and her friends most likely will be brought in to talk about their club.

[Anonymous]

Seems like I'm the only voice of dissent here. I think as long as there's no teasing, and the exclusion isn't orchestrated in some kind of setup just to cruelly target her, then Mary's mom has no grounds for complaint. Simply choosing to focus on existing friendships and not let new people in may not be ideal, but it's hardly mean girl behavior. It's a weird message to send - you owe your attention to everyone who asks, regardless of your preferences.