Do you force your kids to play with certain kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like I'm the only voice of dissent here. I think as long as there's no teasing, and the exclusion isn't orchestrated in some kind of setup just to cruelly target her, then Mary's mom has no grounds for complaint. Simply choosing to focus on existing friendships and not let new people in may not be ideal, but it's hardly mean girl behavior. It's a weird message to send - you owe your attention to everyone who asks, regardless of your preferences.

It doesn't sound like the are being nice to Mary. However, as a parent, if the kids have a club where they are doing what OP described, I would not want my child a part of it and would pull her from the club or be grateful she is not included. While those might be the most popular kid, they are often the mean kids and that's not how I want my child to be,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:aw, my heart is melting over that post, PP. I'm trying to teach the same things but this gives some concrete suggestions like playdates etc. Thanks for that post!

You're welcome. I actually hadn't thought about all those things my mom did till I started to write them out, so it helped me, too.

[Anonymous]

Mary's mom is also not too socially skillful. Who says things like that to other moms? Work on your child's social skills. Buy her a cool toy maybe! Talk to the teacher, after all! But not the other mom who suddenly is obliged to make your daughter popular. Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Mary's mom is also not too socially skillful. Who says things like that to other moms? Work on your child's social skills. Buy her a cool toy maybe! Talk to the teacher, after all! But not the other mom who suddenly is obliged to make your daughter popular. Ugh.

PP, It is obvious you don't have a daughter with Aspergers or is socially shy. I never did ask any parents for help but, they could see that it was stressful for both my DD and me and they rarely went out of their way to be inclusive. Would it kill anyone to be nice and inclusive and not vote you out of the club because you are quiet?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three kids, two boys and a girl in ES. My daughter is in 3rd grade. A parent I know (just from school, not socially) came to me to tell me (in a very nice way!) that my daughter was excluding her daughter (let's call her Mary) in school and he daughter was very hurt by it. It was awkward. They have been in the same classroom for two years straight and the little girl is sweet and well behaved. My daughter has never been friends with this little girl. She has three best friends (similar sports, lots of playdates, all the parents know each other very well). She also talks about a few other girls in class, but never this particular little girl. I set a conference with the teacher to get her perspective. The teacher said DD was kind to everyone in the school, worked well with Mary, but that she didn't believe they were friends. I spoke to DD and she told me that Mary is nice, but that she doesn't like playing with her as much as she likes to play with her friends. She also mentioned her friends think she is annoying because she follows them around. So my heart broke for Mary. I told DD that she should speak up for Mary, that her friends will like her if they play with her. She came back from school and told me she asked Mary to join her in their "club". She said Mary didn't say a word the whole time and that they voted as a club that they didn't want Mary in. Did I make it worse for Mary by trying to help? I spoke with my mom and she was adamant that kids need to deal with their social issues (that she never got herself involved in mine). Sigh.

It is ironic that your thread title says "do you force your kids to play with certain kids" but if you look at the bolded part, you can see that you very much do this already. YOU (and many other moms) force groupings/cliques/clubs by running your kids lives based on parent decisions. So when there is that very little time of unstructured play without parents (recess) - kids have a hard time being welcoming and learning how to socially make friends, be friends, and choose their own likes and dislikes.

The club part makes my stomach turn. I am not sure whose idea it was in the group but it is not nice and the girls know that. You need to nip this in the bud and get the school counselor involved.

Agree - mom cliques are what start girl cliques.

[Anonymous]

Don't force it and stay out of it. The club is hurtful but common. Speak with your daughter about being nice to everyone and not holding votes but leave it at that. I have a boy and a girl and my son has had a lot of recess drama over the years with groups. I've told him to be inclusive when he isn't letting someone in and also to get over things and move on when others are mean to him and shut him out. Luckily DD hasn't experienced all of the meanness (yet).

[Anonymous]

I would use this as an opportunity to talk about the golden rule and help your daughter walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Perhaps, "I wonder how you pull feel if someone said you couldn't be part of their club? I wonder how it would feel to be left out of a game?" This seems like a moment to teach empathy; that we should be kind to those in our community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would use this as an opportunity to talk about the golden rule and help your daughter walk a mile in someone else's shoes. Perhaps, "I wonder how you pull feel if someone said you couldn't be part of their club? I wonder how it would feel to be left out of a game?" This seems like a moment to teach empathy; that we should be kind to those in our community.

+1 good lesson for all on this board, too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Seems like I'm the only voice of dissent here. I think as long as there's no teasing, and the exclusion isn't orchestrated in some kind of setup just to cruelly target her, then Mary's mom has no grounds for complaint. Simply choosing to focus on existing friendships and not let new people in may not be ideal, but it's hardly mean girl behavior. It's a weird message to send - you owe your attention to everyone who asks, regardless of your preferences.

I agree. How does this help Mary in the long run? Maybe she needs to learn to socially interact better.

I didn't really think the club thing was so terrible. My 5 year old started one, they gather acorns for squirrels. Seemed innocent to me, but obviously others feel differently. Kids are going to gravitate to certain groups of friends.

[Anonymous]

So help me out, as adults you are all friends with everyone?

[Anonymous]

I have a second grader, and the message I give her is this: you don't have to be friends with everyone, but you do need to be kind to everyone. Not all personalities click, and that's true for both children and adults, so I don't think parents can really force a friendship.

I think the other child's mother would have been better off reaching out to the school counselor for help fostering friendships than reaching out to another parent. Parents can talk to kids at home, but they aren't there at recess and it's hard to facilitate from afar. A counselor or recess aide, on the other hand, can help in person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So help me out, as adults you are all friends with everyone?

Exactly . Nobody is owed friends.

I think kids ( and adults) should be nice to others meaning respectful and not mean, but you can't and shouldn't try to force your kids to be friends.

Mary's mom might think she's helping her, but in the long run she isn't I say this as a Mary.

OP, your daughter shouldn't be mean, but don't make her play or be friends with Mary.

[Anonymous]

No. Not force to play with. But he must be respectful and polite. And, i suggest in group settings like the playground that it really would not be that hard to include one more kid. We also talk about how my son would feel if he were excluded (he has been there, so he knows).

[Anonymous]

Agree - mom cliques are what start girl cliques.


How is having a group of friends some sort of exclusionary "clique"?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like an episode of Survivor. "The tribe has spoken. It's time for Mary to leave." Poor Mary. Unfortunately, once you have a bad experience like that, it's hard to overcome. She probably gives off low status or submissive vibes by following them around. The clique gets a power trip by excluding her or dominating her and it seals their bond. If I were Mary's mother, I would tell her to forget them and look for someone else to be friends with because they were not very nice. They are basically discriminating against her for being quiet. There is a difference though between how people should act (include people), and how people actually do act (discrimination, exclusion, judging people). I agree with a PP to teach your kid empathy.