13 DS has no friends

[Anonymous]

When you say "not an option" op, why?

You son's life sounds pretty dismal. He is isolated at school, and living the life of an elementary schooler at home. I don't know if he is depressed, but I'm sure he is sad.

When I hated my private school and felt pretty friendless, my mom insisted on sending me to a therapist before she would let me switch. Vaguely insulting to tell a kid with no friends that the problem is their own. I was sad and friendless because the kids were not a good fit for me and someone popular was picking on me.

Just give him some access to the things normal teens do, and give him a more forgiving environment. Whatever this school offers can't outweigh unhappiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, same situation with our DS years ago. We changed schools immediately after one of these emotional moments when we realized that he could not and would not be able to break into the existing groups. Best decision we and he ever made, he had a clean slate in the new school and everything changed for him. It WAS his school, really think about getting him out of there, our one regret is that we didn't do it sooner. DS is flourishing now in college and has many friends from his previous school, I wish this for your son. Make a wise choice on his behalf, it is important and there are no do overs on this.

Glad it worked for your son!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, same situation with our DS years ago. We changed schools immediately after one of these emotional moments when we realized that he could not and would not be able to break into the existing groups. Best decision we and he ever made, he had a clean slate in the new school and everything changed for him. It WAS his school, really think about getting him out of there, our one regret is that we didn't do it sooner. DS is flourishing now in college and has many friends from his previous school, I wish this for your son. Make a wise choice on his behalf, it is important and there are no do overs on this.

Yep. Changing schools is a good option. Not all schools are a good fit and once you are labeled, that's it. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I have really appreciated all the advise. But I wonder if the bigger issue is not friends, but rather his general demeanor of not wanting to do much of anything with anyone else; preferring to do things alone. And that won't change with a new school. Quiet kids seem to get left behind in a traditional classroom, and the alternative school for him would dedinitely be bigger than his current situation. I wonder then if he's at least getting a great education, which we are sure about, is it as important to be happy going to school or is just a necessary thing he needs to struggle through, much like adults going to work do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have really appreciated all the advise. But I wonder if the bigger issue is not friends, but rather his general demeanor of not wanting to do much of anything with anyone else; preferring to do things alone. And that won't change with a new school. Quiet kids seem to get left behind in a traditional classroom, and the alternative school for him would dedinitely be bigger than his current situation. I wonder then if he's at least getting a great education, which we are sure about, is it as important to be happy going to school or is just a necessary thing he needs to struggle through, much like adults going to work do?

At a bigger public school there are so many different groups that he will find his people, even if his "people" are just two or three kids.

My sister had a horrible time in our tiny Catholic school. She went through 5th through 8th grade with no friends. She was bullied for 5th & 6th, and though the bully moved away after that and the bullying stopped, she had no friends the last two years.

She switched to a public high school and ended up with some very close friends, lots of kind acquaintances through different activities, and was elected prom court and president of her senior class. Having a fresh start with a large cohort gave her the chance to build a wonderful high school experience.

HOWEVER, she never got over the bullying and isolation from those middle school years at her small private school (which was light years better academically than our mediocre at best public school). Even as a 42 year old woman, those friendless years affects her confidence and how she interacts with people on a daily basis.

Get your poor kid out of that school. A strong academic/small class private school is completely worthless if it prevents your kid from soaring.

[Anonymous]

OP, my 13-yr-old DD is an introvert. Many times over the years, I've been glad we sent her to large, public schools. She is a quiet kid in traditional classrooms, and she has not been left behind. Her middle school has strong electives to choose from and lots of extracurriculars. She has had large pools of kids to draw her friends from and can easily avoid the kids who are not interested in her or who are actively mean. She is getting a great (free!) education. Most important to us, she is happy.

I advise you to give your son a chance to find happiness in school, too.

[Anonymous]

OP there aren't many parents who would see spending $20-40K per year for their child to be lonely, isolated, excluded and friendless as a good idea or good investment, no matter how prestigious the school may be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP there aren't many parents who would see spending $20-40K per year for their child to be lonely, isolated, excluded and friendless as a good idea or good investment, no matter how prestigious the school may be.

Just to clarify, he doesn't go to private school. Just a small public school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have really appreciated all the advise. But I wonder if the bigger issue is not friends, but rather his general demeanor of not wanting to do much of anything with anyone else; preferring to do things alone. And that won't change with a new school. Quiet kids seem to get left behind in a traditional classroom, and the alternative school for him would dedinitely be bigger than his current situation. I wonder then if he's at least getting a great education, which we are sure about, is it as important to be happy going to school or is just a necessary thing he needs to struggle through, much like adults going to work do?

Two examples.

Well, when I was unhappy at the elite school, I was in the top third. Beck in public, I finished with good enough grades to go ivy. It is important not to be isolated. It is not important to be populat, but you need some friends.

My son sees very few kids out of school because he is fairly introverted. Even he needs people to eat lunch with, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have really appreciated all the advise. But I wonder if the bigger issue is not friends, but rather his general demeanor of not wanting to do much of anything with anyone else; preferring to do things alone. And that won't change with a new school. Quiet kids seem to get left behind in a traditional classroom, and the alternative school for him would dedinitely be bigger than his current situation. I wonder then if he's at least getting a great education, which we are sure about, is it as important to be happy going to school or is just a necessary thing he needs to struggle through, much like adults going to work do?

Two examples.

Well, when I was unhappy at the elite school, I was in the top third. Beck in public, I finished with good enough grades to go ivy. It is important not to be isolated. It is not important to be populat, but you need some friends.

My son sees very few kids out of school because he is fairly introverted. Even he needs people to eat lunch with, though.

I left out the important part: once I wasn't sad I turned in more of my homework and was more comfortable stretching myself. So, I became a different student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have really appreciated all the advise. But I wonder if the bigger issue is not friends, but rather his general demeanor of not wanting to do much of anything with anyone else; preferring to do things alone. And that won't change with a new school. Quiet kids seem to get left behind in a traditional classroom, and the alternative school for him would dedinitely be bigger than his current situation. I wonder then if he's at least getting a great education, which we are sure about, is it as important to be happy going to school or is just a necessary thing he needs to struggle through, much like adults going to work do?

Perhaps his demeanor would change in a different environment. One where he felt a sense of hope.

[Anonymous]

At a bigger public school there are so many different groups that he will find his people, even if his "people" are just two or three kids.

My sister had a horrible time in our tiny Catholic school. She went through 5th through 8th grade with no friends. She was bullied for 5th & 6th, and though the bully moved away after that and the bullying stopped, she had no friends the last two years.

She switched to a public high school and ended up with some very close friends, lots of kind acquaintances through different activities, and was elected prom court and president of her senior class. Having a fresh start with a large cohort gave her the chance to build a wonderful high school experience.

HOWEVER, she never got over the bullying and isolation from those middle school years at her small private school (which was light years better academically than our mediocre at best public school). Even as a 42 year old woman, those friendless years affects her confidence and how she interacts with people on a daily basis.

Get your poor kid out of that school. A strong academic/small class private school is completely worthless if it prevents your kid from soaring.

My DC had this same experience - except moved to large public after 6th. DC is so much happier in bigger school. DC was overlooked in small private and seems to get noticed/rewarded more for being well behaved in the larger class setting. Small private school seemed hesitant to discipline an individual child; rather than disciplining/sending a child to principal they would lecture or discipline the whole class. Large public school sends kids to guidance counselor/out of the classroom when they act out and that sets expectations for behavior rather just lecturing the whole class about it and doing nothing to the individual.

Small schools are great for kids that need extra attention for whatever reason (academic, behavioral, etc.) But they do not guarantee extra attention for quiet kids that do well academically and follow the rules/behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have really appreciated all the advise. But I wonder if the bigger issue is not friends, but rather his general demeanor of not wanting to do much of anything with anyone else; preferring to do things alone. And that won't change with a new school. Quiet kids seem to get left behind in a traditional classroom, and the alternative school for him would dedinitely be bigger than his current situation. I wonder then if he's at least getting a great education, which we are sure about, is it as important to be happy going to school or is just a necessary thing he needs to struggle through, much like adults going to work do?

OP, consider that you are blaming your son for these problems. A 13 year old is not an adult, he may have no idea how to help himself. Have you taken him to therapy? Have you had him talk to an adult alone, to ask him what is wrong?

I am a quiet person and was a quiet kid; those quiet kids who didn't quite fit in who were able to leave our small private school were able to go out and instantly become more social because they had a wider number of people to choose from. The only guy I dated during my entire time in high school was a guy from a larger school I just happened to meet because he had a part time job in our neighborhood. At least I also had a best friend in high school; there were several kids who had absolutely no friends. I had to stay, was blamed for "being quiet" by my parents, and made sure never to live in my home area or near my parents again, and have never looked back. Have paid for years and years of therapy. And, it has helped.