13 DS has no friends

[Anonymous]

Hi, Op

Do you think your son has anxiety issues? ADD or ADHD? Has your son always been this way? My DD with Aspergers, could cope with social situations when she was younger because little kids are more forgiving and parents more involved. But, when you get to middle school kids have their own minds and for kids who can't read the situation or are awkward ( not knowing when to stop talking about a favorite subject) it is near impossible. As a parent, for these kids you need to step up and help them.

Sometimes kids with anxiety want friends but, their anxieties get in the way. For outgoing people, going up to a group of kids ( while they are talking ) and joining in is no problem but, for others ( including my DD) it was impossible. She just was overcome with fear of rejection. Same with school work, sometimes kids give up on themselves first so they can save face. Well, I could do this but, it takes forever ( ADD?) and if I don't try I can tell myself I didn't want to get good grades ( even if they do)

Have you had your son tested? Perhaps that might be a good way to start.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Camps are a great place for shy kids to make friends - better than lessons since the kids see each other every day for a week or two and usually have plenty of time to socialize. I'd look to see if there are any camps open that match his interests. And you don't need to make it optional. Shy kids sometimes need a push to participate in activities.

[Anonymous]

OP. He is reaching the age where he won't tell you anything anyway, so good luck.

I can tell you from my own experience, not fitting in at a small private school is the worst. There is often very little diversity of personality at such schools because people self-select. I highly recommend you transfer him to public school, which is definitely more forgiving in this area. At least for me, friends made me engage at school, and I ultimately did very well after being kinda middling in private. Any advantage from the private is lost if he is alone.

[Anonymous]

And I recommend a hobby. If you are inchevy chase or Potomac, squash is an option and it can be a family hobby.

My son is very introverted, but not unhappy. We do let him play on-line but limit hours and monitor.

[Anonymous]

Some of the comments about switching school may not be realistic. Also, I don't get why some parents say sports must be mandatory. I'd love to say that also, but my middle schooler hated sports and is not a robot that I can program to do what I want. I can't make my kid do sports, and God help me a someone says some crap like you are the parent and your kids must follow your rules. I'd love to live in the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can he get involved with an online gaming group? What games is he into?

That is not a good idea...he will become even more withdrawn.

Middle school years some of the worst. My DS had just a few friends which he managed to maintain, but he never got invited to parties and other events. That was the year of all the bar mitzvahs (we live in a very highly Jewish populated area), and he only got invited to 2, while many friends attended 6 or more. It is painful to watch, but high school will be better.

In the meantime, maybe your son could invite some boys over to play some video games. Get him the hottest new game that other boys may not have yet, and he can tell him he has it and invite them over. Feed them lots of junk food and soda.

No he won't gaming groups get very social with one another. What will make him withdrawn is gaming on his own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imo sports should be mandatory. There has to be something he can do. Physical activity should be done everyday especially during the summer. Make him pick a physical activity. Swim team, tennis, karate, track, weight lifting, cross fit.

Team sports are about the worst thing for a kid like this.

The team sports kids are very mean and exclusive and will make his life even more miserable.

[Anonymous]

Highly recommend Boy Scouts. The structure of it ensures that kids don't get left out, and it gets kids that might not like organised sports outside doing active things. The boys learn lots of great life skills (cooking, first aid, map reading, etc) and can really build maturity and leadership skills. My ds tends to be an introvert, and Scouts has been a huge confidence booster to him.

[Anonymous]

OP - I agree with the idea of a screening for depression when he has his next physical with his doctor without you being in the room so he can be more open. As hard as it is for you, I would also limit screen time because it allows one to get into his or her own world.

You do not indicate what he is doing this summer, but if a few weeks of summer camps is not a part of it as yet, I would make the effort to get him signed up for at least a couple of weeks giving him a choice, but saying that yes he does need to be up and out and do the research and let him choose. He needs to just have some fun to break the cycle of being sad.

He can definitely benefit from sports but he may need some encouragement. If there is a DH, this is a time and place for Dad to put some time into DS and just plan times when the two can go swimming, biking or just for hike together. If Dad has a favorite sports team, then take DS out to a game every so often as DS needs to have a male figure to confide in, too. I can well imagine if is easy for DS to get lost with the hubbub of his younger sisters.

Summer time might be the perfect time to suggest that he take up something new and find an instructor or program to do so: An art class, a musical instrument, an individual sport such as tennis, golf, martial arts that would at least get him exercising.

For late middle school to early high school some ideas might also be:

- Scouting as mentioned if there are troops taking middle school aged boys.
- Joining a church in your denomination or a brand new one with an active youth group.
- Fining a volunteer outlet for him which might even start out as a family event. But certainly by age 14 there will opportunities in the DC area
- Joining a community or private fitness center because again this is a place for DS to just go to in time for what he chooses and to go to with either parent.

And, you and DH can have an honest discussion with him and set some house rules which will hold for all siblings about expectations of a balanced life of school, one in-school or community based activity each quarter/semester and the expectation for regular physical activity AND a limitation or monitoring for all on screen time not only during the week, but on weekends, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can he go to a public high school with more groups?

Small private schools are the worst for kids who don't fit in.

This. I was a female equivalent of your son. Small schools are sometimes very difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can he get involved with an online gaming group? What games is he into?

That is not a good idea...he will become even more withdrawn.

Middle school years some of the worst. My DS had just a few friends which he managed to maintain, but he never got invited to parties and other events. That was the year of all the bar mitzvahs (we live in a very highly Jewish populated area), and he only got invited to 2, while many friends attended 6 or more. It is painful to watch, but high school will be better.

In the meantime, maybe your son could invite some boys over to play some video games. Get him the hottest new game that other boys may not have yet, and he can tell him he has it and invite them over. Feed them lots of junk food and soda.

No he won't gaming groups get very social with one another. What will make him withdrawn is gaming on his own.

So you would be okay with your already shy and withdrawn son sitting in front of a TV and "socializing" with perfect strangers, but having absolutely no face to face interaction. I hope you don't have a child PP.

[Anonymous]

Your son has gone to a small school and has had limited to no success in the friend making department. He is now 13--why should he think he should be able to turn things around? He has probably lost all confidence he ever had. A little too late to ride around on his bike and make friends.

Having him try different interests, go to religious youth group activities, basically anything that meets on a regular basis where he can find friends. He needs to have some successes. Places with no one from his school are best. The small private school isn't working for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can he get involved with an online gaming group? What games is he into?

That is not a good idea...he will become even more withdrawn.

Middle school years some of the worst. My DS had just a few friends which he managed to maintain, but he never got invited to parties and other events. That was the year of all the bar mitzvahs (we live in a very highly Jewish populated area), and he only got invited to 2, while many friends attended 6 or more. It is painful to watch, but high school will be better.

In the meantime, maybe your son could invite some boys over to play some video games. Get him the hottest new game that other boys may not have yet, and he can tell him he has it and invite them over. Feed them lots of junk food and soda.

No he won't gaming groups get very social with one another. What will make him withdrawn is gaming on his own.

So you would be okay with your already shy and withdrawn son sitting in front of a TV and "socializing" with perfect strangers, but having absolutely no face to face interaction. I hope you don't have a child PP.

That is not what online gaming is.

The kids game in groups, usually four to a team, against other teams. They skype while gaming, and there is a lot of talking, laughing and joking.

The kids my kid games with come from several different schools in this area, plus friends and friends of friends who moved out of state, various out of state cousins, and siblings.

Online gaming is suprisingly very interactive and social. The kids talk and interact quite a bit, just as much as my other boys who are out shooting hoops with friends.

Also, having a friend or friends over to game won't work the way you think it will.

Almost all of the games teens play niw are single player games where you game online wirh teams. If OP is buyint the latest cool game, he woukd not be able to play with friends in person. Only online.

Since you don't know how gaming is involved, it is probably best you don't hurl insults about something you know nothing about.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks to all for this incredible outpouring of ideas. It's exactly I still use DCUM now 14 years after discovering it...

For clarification, he goes to a small school that then moves into HS, and we do not have an option for public. So he will remain. We limit gaming to family games our youngest can watch, and his alone time is an hour on weekends. He would spend all day doing that if we let him. He will be attending a weeklong sleep away outdoors camp so there is that. I like the idea of his getting involved with a youth climbing club (he's got all the gear and had gone a few times with DH). All in all I think more one on one time with a parent so far he seems to like, so we'll expand on that. He seems to enjoy being with us more when he's given the choice to be alone for a while too.

Thank you for helping me wrap my head around how to help him, the time spent responding was very much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can he get involved with an online gaming group? What games is he into?

That is not a good idea...he will become even more withdrawn.

Middle school years some of the worst. My DS had just a few friends which he managed to maintain, but he never got invited to parties and other events. That was the year of all the bar mitzvahs (we live in a very highly Jewish populated area), and he only got invited to 2, while many friends attended 6 or more. It is painful to watch, but high school will be better.

In the meantime, maybe your son could invite some boys over to play some video games. Get him the hottest new game that other boys may not have yet, and he can tell him he has it and invite them over. Feed them lots of junk food and soda.

No he won't gaming groups get very social with one another. What will make him withdrawn is gaming on his own.

So you would be okay with your already shy and withdrawn son sitting in front of a TV and "socializing" with perfect strangers, but having absolutely no face to face interaction. I hope you don't have a child PP.

That is not what online gaming is.

The kids game in groups, usually four to a team, against other teams. They skype while gaming, and there is a lot of talking, laughing and joking.

The kids my kid games with come from several different schools in this area, plus friends and friends of friends who moved out of state, various out of state cousins, and siblings.

Online gaming is suprisingly very interactive and social. The kids talk and interact quite a bit, just as much as my other boys who are out shooting hoops with friends.

Also, having a friend or friends over to game won't work the way you think it will.

Almost all of the games teens play niw are single player games where you game online wirh teams. If OP is buyint the latest cool game, he woukd not be able to play with friends in person. Only online.

Since you don't know how gaming is involved, it is probably best you don't hurl insults about something you know nothing about.

Oh please. I am very familiar with all types of online gaming, skype, xbox, minecraft, steam, addicting games, etc. etc. My DS loves to game, but we limit it significantly...especially online. He has a handful of friends that like to do this, and we allow it with strict time limits. DS also likes to play sports and other activities, so the online gaming would be on the bottom of things we would want him to do. I would much rather he be interacting with someone in person.