Chance of Reconciliation

[Anonymous]

I had neighbors who went through this exact experience. After a year they reconciled and stayed together until the husband died. I always wondered why they got back together but now that I'm married I understand that relationships are more nuanced and fluid than most people will admit. Move on OP but if you get a chance to reconcile know that you will be coming at it from a stronger and wiser position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
You have a great opportunity to find someone with morals and values who would put you and your kids first and foremost. Why would you continue to stay in a rut?? Yes my experience is cheaters end up cheating again, AND it's a horrible life of never being able to trust them anywhere outside of the home.

Please try and move on, but my advice would be to make sure you know the person well before committing. Family values, and all that. There are always red flags about a person's character, pay attention to that.

Good luck with that. I married a Catholic conservative Republican. She cheated on me with a coworker after 15 years and two kids. Never would have imagined it until it happened.

You're only "married" until she gets bored and her emotions (and her vagina) take over. Then you and the kids are disposable...

Yes, let's add people's politics to the pile

Her politics (and her religion) are totally relevant because they were, ostensibly, aligned with good morals and "family values".

She was a conservative Christian - until she wasn't. I don't even know what she thinks she is now.

Well, I guess you won't be marrying any secular liberals either, so... good luck to you!

Marrying? Why would I do that? I don't want or need to be legally tied to anyone else. Don't care about the religious views of the women I date now, either.

[Anonymous]

I would not count on a successful reconciliation. Sorry OP.

Reason being is that all trust in the marriage has been seriously compromised. Also she was open/honest about her feelings toward you.

While I can understand your perspective here, you do seem a bit in denial over your marriage.

Many people are in denial because it assists them in dealing overall with their loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife moved out leaving me primarily with the kids. She had/s an affair with a co-worker, which for very obvious reasons (not relevant here) can never really go anywhere. In other words, it has an expiration date.

The timing of when she said the classic "I love you but am not IN love with you" was precisely when she "fell in love" with her affair partner. She says that, of course, her falling out of love with me had nothing to do with the other man.

Does anyone have any experience with reconciliation after the "spell" of the affair ends? I am wondering if it is worth waiting around. I know it sounds pathetic, but I honestly believe she's acting this way out of some insanity.

Anyway, any experience or thoughts appreciated.

It's so weird - this exact thing just happened to me, too. I'm not sure if my ex-W / AP has an expiration date or not, but I decided to move on. Too much deceit to ever re-build our friendship or trust. I had thought exactly like you are - I'll just wait this thing out. But then I started asking myself how will I feel if/when she does come back? What will have changed that this won't happen again? Most importantly, how would I get through these long months knowing that she's with the new man while I sat waiting for her? I had to stop trying to re-construct the time-line of her affair and start to focus on what I needed to do to recover, and to help my kids through this. So, like you, I am taking care of the house and kids while she is 'dating' her new man. And you know what? Everyday I get filled with a little more self-respect and pride at what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. That's something she can't take from me.
-BobRoss

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife moved out leaving me primarily with the kids. She had/s an affair with a co-worker, which for very obvious reasons (not relevant here) can never really go anywhere. In other words, it has an expiration date.

The timing of when she said the classic "I love you but am not IN love with you" was precisely when she "fell in love" with her affair partner. She says that, of course, her falling out of love with me had nothing to do with the other man.

Does anyone have any experience with reconciliation after the "spell" of the affair ends? I am wondering if it is worth waiting around. I know it sounds pathetic, but I honestly believe she's acting this way out of some insanity.

Anyway, any experience or thoughts appreciated.

It's so weird - this exact thing just happened to me, too. I'm not sure if my ex-W / AP has an expiration date or not, but I decided to move on. Too much deceit to ever re-build our friendship or trust. I had thought exactly like you are - I'll just wait this thing out. But then I started asking myself how will I feel if/when she does come back? What will have changed that this won't happen again? Most importantly, how would I get through these long months knowing that she's with the new man while I sat waiting for her? I had to stop trying to re-construct the time-line of her affair and start to focus on what I needed to do to recover, and to help my kids through this. So, like you, I am taking care of the house and kids while she is 'dating' her new man. And you know what? Everyday I get filled with a little more self-respect and pride at what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. That's something she can't take from me.
-BobRoss

How long did you wait? How long til you stopped ruminating? Did you stay cordial or did you change locks and make it formal?

[BobRoss]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife moved out leaving me primarily with the kids. She had/s an affair with a co-worker, which for very obvious reasons (not relevant here) can never really go anywhere. In other words, it has an expiration date.

The timing of when she said the classic "I love you but am not IN love with you" was precisely when she "fell in love" with her affair partner. She says that, of course, her falling out of love with me had nothing to do with the other man.

Does anyone have any experience with reconciliation after the "spell" of the affair ends? I am wondering if it is worth waiting around. I know it sounds pathetic, but I honestly believe she's acting this way out of some insanity.

Anyway, any experience or thoughts appreciated.

It's so weird - this exact thing just happened to me, too. I'm not sure if my ex-W / AP has an expiration date or not, but I decided to move on. Too much deceit to ever re-build our friendship or trust. I had thought exactly like you are - I'll just wait this thing out. But then I started asking myself how will I feel if/when she does come back? What will have changed that this won't happen again? Most importantly, how would I get through these long months knowing that she's with the new man while I sat waiting for her? I had to stop trying to re-construct the time-line of her affair and start to focus on what I needed to do to recover, and to help my kids through this. So, like you, I am taking care of the house and kids while she is 'dating' her new man. And you know what? Everyday I get filled with a little more self-respect and pride at what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. That's something she can't take from me.
-BobRoss

How long did you wait? How long til you stopped ruminating? Did you stay cordial or did you change locks and make it formal?

By about 4 weeks after she moved out, I realized I had to stop waiting. Every time I start to think about her/him, I force myself to stop. I sort of force myself to turn around and face forward instead of back. Got involved in a divorce support group that is really more oriented on happy hours, which is fine by me! This will always hurt, and I don't think I'll replace my exW, but I am working hard to move on.

So - she and I have talked and are both committed to a positive future relationship. We're very open about money, no lawyers, we communicate regularly about the kids, etc...I do not engage in emotionally-based discussions with her, however. The question "How are you doing with all this?" gets the answer "I'm doing fine, thanks." People who are having affairs or in our case, the spouses who left for the AP, are likely to try and hang onto the original relationship as a safety line. I refuse to be her backup plan. But I can still maintain a very good relationship that is productive and positive. Not saying it's easy and it can be emotionally taxing, but I just keep reminding myself that there are so many new possibilities, new people to meet, and that helps a ton.

[Anonymous]

You are my hero. I've been doing this three months. What you are doing is what I've read I should be doing. Thx for the reinforcement.

[Anonymous]

BobRoss wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife moved out leaving me primarily with the kids. She had/s an affair with a co-worker, which for very obvious reasons (not relevant here) can never really go anywhere. In other words, it has an expiration date.

The timing of when she said the classic "I love you but am not IN love with you" was precisely when she "fell in love" with her affair partner. She says that, of course, her falling out of love with me had nothing to do with the other man.

Does anyone have any experience with reconciliation after the "spell" of the affair ends? I am wondering if it is worth waiting around. I know it sounds pathetic, but I honestly believe she's acting this way out of some insanity.

Anyway, any experience or thoughts appreciated.

It's so weird - this exact thing just happened to me, too. I'm not sure if my ex-W / AP has an expiration date or not, but I decided to move on. Too much deceit to ever re-build our friendship or trust. I had thought exactly like you are - I'll just wait this thing out. But then I started asking myself how will I feel if/when she does come back? What will have changed that this won't happen again? Most importantly, how would I get through these long months knowing that she's with the new man while I sat waiting for her? I had to stop trying to re-construct the time-line of her affair and start to focus on what I needed to do to recover, and to help my kids through this. So, like you, I am taking care of the house and kids while she is 'dating' her new man. And you know what? Everyday I get filled with a little more self-respect and pride at what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. That's something she can't take from me.
-BobRoss

How long did you wait? How long til you stopped ruminating? Did you stay cordial or did you change locks and make it formal?

By about 4 weeks after she moved out, I realized I had to stop waiting. Every time I start to think about her/him, I force myself to stop. I sort of force myself to turn around and face forward instead of back. Got involved in a divorce support group that is really more oriented on happy hours, which is fine by me! This will always hurt, and I don't think I'll replace my exW, but I am working hard to move on.

So - she and I have talked and are both committed to a positive future relationship. We're very open about money, no lawyers, we communicate regularly about the kids, etc...I do not engage in emotionally-based discussions with her, however. The question "How are you doing with all this?" gets the answer "I'm doing fine, thanks." People who are having affairs or in our case, the spouses who left for the AP, are likely to try and hang onto the original relationship as a safety line. I refuse to be her backup plan. But I can still maintain a very good relationship that is productive and positive. Not saying it's easy and it can be emotionally taxing, but I just keep reminding myself that there are so many new possibilities, new people to meet, and that helps a ton.

Have to commend you for taking the high road. You have to think of her like a stranger with no connection. Personally, I would beat the crap out of the other guy when nobody is around.

[Anonymous]

OP, how long has it been since you found out about the affair and when did she move out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how long has it been since you found out about the affair and when did she move out?

Found about a year ago but she said it had ended. I learned it rekindled and she moved out after holidays. In late January.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, how long has it been since you found out about the affair and when did she move out?

Found about a year ago but she said it had ended. I learned it rekindled and she moved out after holidays. In late January.