MIL Rant...sorry in advance

[Anonymous]

the next time it happens have your DH correct her assumptions about the workload division and tell her to knock the comments off. she needs to see a unified front and that her comments are not acceptable, and frankly she will never respect you until your husband demands it of her.

[Anonymous]

She needs to hear it from her gallant son. She will not listen to anything you say.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound a little too rational to be on dcum

[Anonymous]

"Why are you under the impression that John is the breadwinner?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I could have provided a little more info about how this isn't me hiding under a bed and wishing the mean witch would just go away. As a former military officer and crisis management specialist I have to say, no one has ever questioned my assertiveness before. But one of the great things about being older (in my case at least) is simply knowing what battles to choose. MIL, like many previous posters have noted, isnt here that often, and her comments are grating but might be anchored in her own history which could allow for some empathy (if I am feeling generous).

DH, well, he is...not assertive. I love the guy, he is a fantastic father and generous husband, but I am definitely the fighter in the relationship. I wish it were different, but I've made peace with the fact that his neutrality is probably what has allowed our marriage to be fairly successful (he doesnt personalize *anything* while I personalize *everything.*) and he has made peace with the fact that if he wants to get laid more often he needs to step up and fight for me sometimes...so we work it out.

My MIL is okay. She is a highly medicated product of another era who is impervious to change. So, in this case, I chose you lovely friends as a sounding board instead of banging my head against a wall that has real repercussions yet little hope of change.

God bless you for your clear-headed thinking, and thank you for your service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you sound a little too rational to be on dcum

Ha! This.

[Anonymous]

Op, I understand you are picking your battles and that your MIL will never change. She will, however, watch her comments more if you set her straight. I was warned about MIL by two of her relatives before marriage. She is very disrespectful and can be nasty. I have (nicely) called her on several things in the past and I believe it had made our relationship better (not good, but more mutually respectful). She will never change, but it's amazing how she's able to watch her snide remarks when I'm around. And because she can now watch her words, I'm more agreeable to seeing her.

[Anonymous]

Np and OP I have a MIL like yours and even when I've been 'crazy assertive', it only changes things for a bit...until it starts up again. In fact, at some base level, they are WAITING for you to react in an angry way.

The only reaction that works is the non-reaction. Its the 'hmmm, you don't say'...all vagueness, all indifference. change subjects. basically look at her like she is speaking a different language and don't respond. Doing this consistently with my MIL has caused her to give up - she can't get a rise out of me so there's just no longer a point.

And think about it from her perspective - her value in life, her self-worth was from being a sahm/housekeeper/house-manager, i.e. caregiver of the family. By you emulating her - being the good housekeeper - you actually are serving to keep her own positive view of herself in tact. But when you turn things around - and are still valued and loved by your DH and your kids - you make her feel insecure about her own life, her own legacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Why are you under the impression that John is the breadwinner?"

My favorite so far.

[Anonymous]

Annoying. Maybe she wishes she was as accomplished as you are, and feels insecure that she wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Why are you under the impression that John is the breadwinner?"

My favorite so far.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell her it's not her fault women weren't smart enough to work outside the home. She's probably just jealous she spent her entire life doing dishes.

+1

[Anonymous]

I have a MIL who said a lot of things like this to me. Eventually she started to refer to my kitchen as her kitchen, and my house as her house. Then she tried to move in. And I realized that none of those comments had actually been for me, they were for my husband, because she wanted to live with him and wanted him to understand what value she would bring if she lived with him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a MIL who said a lot of things like this to me. Eventually she started to refer to my kitchen as her kitchen, and my house as her house. Then she tried to move in. And I realized that none of those comments had actually been for me, they were for my husband, because she wanted to live with him and wanted him to understand what value she would bring if she lived with him.

Oh, man, what a complex dynamic! Did that make it easier to take it with a grain of salt, or push you over the edge?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

And think about it from her perspective - her value in life, her self-worth was from being a sahm/housekeeper/house-manager, i.e. caregiver of the family. By you emulating her - being the good housekeeper - you actually are serving to keep her own positive view of herself in tact. But when you turn things around - and are still valued and loved by your DH and your kids - you make her feel insecure about her own life, her own legacy.

I've definitely thought about this...it is a very empathetic perspective. I hope if I ever spiral into needy/insecure/lonely MIL (DS is only 5 now so I have plenty of time) then I hope DIL can manage such a generous perspective.